Exo's Exposé

Dear Mazy @Mazarita , I'm sorry to hear what your going through, though I'm glad to hear it & I'm
proud of you because you are facing it, you are coping in your own way despite how
very difficult it is. Your strength & courage has never left you, it may weaken at times
but it has risen again & allowed you to express yourself here on the Forums {something
I'm selfishly so very grateful for}. Dentists are a nightmare to me, they always have been,
I think the thought & emotional process surrounding them is extremely complicated. It
is such an intrusive & somewhat intimate invasion, they are literally getting in your face!
They make me feel 'dirty', when they go through tooth by tooth I don't have not a one
that's any good - the best comment I hear is 'missing' {& there's lots of those}. I have
advanced peritonitis & believe they're all going to have to come out eventually. I know
this abscess is likely to return & to continue doing so until I have the tooth removed -
but I'll stick to bush remedies until I decide I've had enough! I was kind of hoping I'd
never have to go to a dentist again 😉 These days I don't really get toothaches, I don't think
I have many nerves left, my gums hurt - they don't ache, they bleed & goo & that causes
my entire body to ache including my head, I get hot & cold, I get nauseous & so very
tired but unable to sleep . . . it makes me sick! Dental problems alone can be enough to
reduce me to a wreck, considering your other health problems I really feel for you.
Although you may not, I do give you permission to feel bad, to be angry, to cry, to be
exhausted from all the health issues affecting you. It's understandable, it's ok - it's not
your norm because the circumstances are not normal, they are extreme! I understand
losing the plot & the despair & guilt that follows when your finally able to compose
yourself & realize what you've done. I believe those events are involuntary, brought on
by unavoidable stress. My wish for you is that your able to forgive yourself & understand
the circumstances. I love you Mazy ❤️
A lace monitor is a goanna & did you know that the Komodo Dragon is a monitor lizard
. . . . so they're related 🙂 I found that pretty cool! As I found that article pretty cool Apple @Appleblossom !
A mission specifically looking for fossilized life on Mars! Wow! I can't help thinking,
why haven't they looked before? But I'm excited that they're doing it now!
I'm feeling much better again today 🙂 2 prescribed sleeps under my belt, 2 consecutive
uninterrupted nights sleep - phew! Still using the salt water & will continue to do so for
the unforeseeable future. I'm actually pretty good with the rinsing & flossing routine, it's
the toothbrush that I seem to have problems with, I even bought an electric one {it's
rechargeable, so do-able on my power system} in the hopes that the gimmick would have
me interested; which it did for a while, but it's a timed thing & seems to take forever, often
by the time I go to bed I can't be bothered spending 3 minutes standing there holding a
toothbrush 😉
I got my vapor gadget, I didn't get it to give up, I got it because I was having trouble getting
from one hour to the next without a cigarette! These days because of my financial
situation, every 2nd smoke is a rollie - I don't particularly like them & once I held one
up against a taylor made & saw that they're about half the size & circumference - I realized
why they just weren't doing it for me! The gadget is working well for that purpose, so
well that I might just try, at some point, using it instead of the rollies. I bought some nic
liquid a long time ago & it seems to be very efficient. The gadget also seems to appease
the habit of hand to mouth, the feeling in the mouth & throat, & the exhaling of billows
of cloud. I don't think for one second that it's healthy, but I do think it may be less harmful
than smoke. It's has no tar and far less chemicals, I also believe it's far less expensive &
that's the thing I'm looking for! 🙂
Well, I think I've rabbited on for long enough now. Extra love to you Mazy<3
Love to all that need or want it ❤️

Good Morning to you Mazy @Mazarita

It tells me you posted this 2 hours ago, I didn't think I'd taken that long to write my previous post but . . .

Good to hear you got a solid nights sleep, I think that's one of the most potent medicines 🙂

Hope your appointment goes well & is very helpful

I'm not very good at instant replies but just wanted to say 'Hi'.

Hope you have a good day too 🙂

Yep @Exoplanet about sleep being best medicine.. It was great it was an Aussie woman investigating the data on Mars. Yay! for girls in STEM. and for girls interested in just chatting about it. Makes me feel less aspie and weird.

Hope your session with pdoc is good. @Mazarita I usually find them too short and just accept his role as a kind of holding pattern. I am getting more out of my current gp.

I am getting ads about young healthy fit men getting enough sleep. SO I guess its "in the conversation" now. I went through about 20 years sleep deprived and finally relented to taking nueroleptics which have helped stabilise it and reduced a lot of anxiety about it. Started taking them after I met you @Mazarita after my year up all night. Forgive yourself about your outburst, you have enough extra health problems. Some people can be arrogant in health care and others really make an effort. It seems pretty random. Objectivity may be a part of scientific method, but human personalities are more complex. They all have their quirks and flaws. NOw I have a life time to look back, where when I was young I just had to trust them totally. Health workers ought have respect for the privilege they have in working on other humans.

The reformer is a weird machine with a padded back and shoulder pads which slide horizontally a bit like a rowing machine. There are lots of different exercises that isolate individual small muscle groups.. I felt the burn yesterday and my legs were sore, but it was healthy pain, lactic acid building muscle, not damaging pain.

Hi @Appleblossom @Exoplanet

In a MUCH better space today, though I will be facing a change from one med to another. Solid sleep last night about 7 hours. Good session with psychiatrist and I ended up praising him, which I've done before. He is a lively highly intelligent engaged man, seems well suited temperamentally to his work and cares about his patients in a balanced way that suits me. He mostly thinks his patients know the best for their own treatment. New med will be slightly different class from current one too. I was taking them for a longish stretch of time before but possibly decades ago and can't remember a thing about them. I'll see how they go. Dorothy steps onto her brick little road of chemical change.

Exo: thank you for your encouraging words, you are wonderful.

I feel for you a lot with your difficult health and body, and admire your bravery.

Mouth issues tend more to be episodes, just this one's been lot longer. For me it's mostly been the complications this time. It's never been this bad before: colitis from the antibiotic reaction, headaches and other things. My teeth are not good though and I'm missing a number of them. Gums have receded a fair bit. They may be the most aged part of me, lifestyle too, of course.

I agree with you and @eth about how traumatic it can be at the dentist. As you say, Exo, the dentist is literally inches from your face with sharp metal instruments and drills in your mouth! Sometimes my neck has been the worst problem in the dentist chair. This time it was how hard I have had to struggle to get them to do anything for me with the mouth complications from the extraction.

I would love to never have to go to the dentist again!!!

Yeah the dentist experience has been triggering. I've been pretty close to the edge emotionally and mentally a lot of the time since actually about the start of September last year. That's when I was on zero anti-depressant for a couple of months.

Your prescribed sleep routine sounds so good for you. Great to hear continued treatment with salt water. Sounds good with the vape too. I only smoke rollies and like them best, maybe because that's how I started aged 34. I tried the vape but it made me cough more than I already do. Totally get what you said about the act of smoking being a major thing with it, at least for us, but I know it's the same for others too. Ace with the money savings if it suits you. May it be so!

Instant replies are never called for, @Exoplanet

@Appleblossom great to hear the Australian woman is in a lead role with the Mars project. Re length of appointment with psychiatrist, I was worried about that in advance, but fitted a lot of discussion into probably 20-25 minutes. The duration of the sessions varies a bit, never more than half an hour. I already had some ideas myself about the meds as well. Cognitive function seems to have returned to me again as well today after the good sleep last night.

Glad about the neuroleptics helping you over some time. I would have been taking them too when we were posting to each other and chatting at night for years. They helped in a big way for one major part of what I was going through, helped stabilise me as well.

Thank you too for the encouragement to forgive myself.

The stabiliser sounds like gym equipment. Isolating small muscle groups sounds like it could be very helpful.

Good morning @Exoplanet @Mazarita @Appleblossom sorry I missed you all yesterday. So nice to see you all connecting again here.

Re dentists and teeth - I have to say that the process of losing my last 14 teeth (due to an assault that broke them at the roots) was awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. About 5 of them, one by one, developed deep abscess which burst and the pain was enough to make me moan aloud. Probably too much information already! But once the decision was made to take out the remainder (happened over a few appointments) I'll never forget the feelings I had walking out after the last 3 were removed. I would never have to go through that again. The most profound relief. I've now had full dentures for about 6-7 years and they don't trouble me at all. This after years of dental emergencies. I have no regrets about the decision, tho' I totally understand wanting to preserve what you have - that was me for several years. But every time I had to have one out (because public dental in Darwin don't do root canal work) my partial dentures had to be altered again and again. I've now had only 3 visits to get new dentures moulded and fitted since 2014 and that's a painless process. But I still have PTSD stuff flare up when they're doing anything around my throat/neck area. So I always warn them about this up front and since I've worked out that's what I need to do they've always been quite gentle with me. I confess it's a bit embarassing when getting to know someone intimately, but it's been over 5 years since that happened in my life!

Hoping my rave above is ok here - I'm on a bit of a roll today after a 2nd coffee!

Do take care all and I hope today is one of the better ones for you all xoxo

Just a quiet hello @Exoplanet @eth @Mazarita @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope

I have deep respect for all of you ladies. Everyone has gone through so much and struggled for the best possible outcomes, which makes for good people.

I am glad your day is better Maz. I went on the antipsychotics after my year up all night. I had my sitting on road event which upped the medical side for me personally, rather than just managing my boy. My year up all night was a strategy to indirectly connect with my son and to bring him out of the isolation and dysfunction of living in his room on the computer, and in many ways it worked, though he thinks he was a sleep disorder and longer than 24 hours sleep wake cycle, so it is constantly being adjusted. Been an issue for him probably 15 years ... Now he manages it much better, as it was easier for him to see the deleterious effects in me, rather than face it in himself. It took its toll on me, though. My meds were getting pushed up and up, and I had to put a limit on it, which I have.

I had a pleasant day yesterday, was asked out to a dance for the first time in my life, and driven for an hour across town, to dance in a bush park. I knew 3 other people there in a group of about 25.

from different independent music groups over 20 years. A fun and affirming event stretching the laws of probabliilty, giving me a feeling of the good and social connectedness in the universe ...

Hugs @Appleblossom

Hello @Exoplanet , @eth , @Mazarita , @Faith-and-Hope

Hi @Exoplanet @Appleblossom @eth @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope. Hope your day has been livable and that any frays are refreshed this evening.

@eth awful dental traumas, so sorry you experienced all that. I am also very afraid of reaching a moment where they all need extraction. That would take me a long time to recover from, I feel, even just the many extractions at one time. The complications, I am a bit terrified. Especially how bad it has been for the past three months just from one molar.

@Appleblossom thank you for saying that about respect. That is important to me, possibly more than I want it to be, but also something I learned from my dad, who was very egalitarian in believing all people deserve respect. Something he passed on to me that I value, though don't always live up to it, being human.

You, me and the other women you mentioned in your post and more, seem to be strong women in our resilience, even while fragile and sometimes broken. Strong in our different ways. Women who have been rocks in my journey for long times.

I do not remember your sitting on road episode, Apple, but good on you for helping yourself with some meds in that situation. I do the same if things are out of hand. That's why I was on anti-psychotics for those years. My anger was destructive before I started taking them, verbal anger. The anti-psychs worked almost instantly to level me out and calm me down, enough to be able to change this behaviour. It horrified me when I realised what I had done and shattered my mind, this realisation, in a similar way I felt for those couple of days recently after my out of control episode in the dentist chair. Except that it was worse almost every day back then.

I hear you about subconsciously connecting and helping your son through the all nighters before taking the meds, at which time it was needed to focus again on yourself, like with the oxygen masks in the safety drills on flights. A good outcome for him that you made that sacrifice. Glad to hear you have limited the ramping up of the dose. My current approach to changing ADs is to take as little as possible and only up it to the (rough) level where it does the job. I am trying to minimise my meds as much as possible, while being honest with myself and medicos, if I am going downhill in the process.

How fantastic being at a dance in a park. I used to love dancing in nature. I recently went to see a friend dj, a great night amidst the not so good times. I danced for the first time in well over a decade. Very smile-making.

@Exoplanet smiles, hugs and love to you, beautiful.

@Mazarita @Exoplanet

I felt separated from connecting to women, and chatting on the forum and meeting people who I could share different sides of myself. I have not met too many people who went to those rock and roll gigs off Sydney Rd in the late 70s. That makes us sisters.

At least in the last 6 months I have managed without takiing the extra prn except in the Nov episode, so mostly kept dose stable rather than let it creep up.. As I have attempted to get psychiatric help actively all my life since 17 and not given a clear Dx til recently, I had a different experience with MH services. I was an outsider, a fmaily member etc.

My sitting on road event meant someone called the police on me. I had already returned home, but they followed and found me. My son had to come to the local ED with me under "escort" that time. We both noticed that they allowed me voluntary movement, but they handcuff him when stuff happens .... even when he is plainly not a threat.

My son called earlier this evening and is still going well at uni. SO fingers crossed ... this time ....

I would like you to really know how deeply our chats helped me. Sometimes we need to cry and understand that part of our psyche even as grown women, but I am sorry that I did not pick it up through our screen contact the other night. It is an imperfect medium.