Exo's Exposé

Hello @Exoplanet

I posted an image on another thread ...

I have been holding off posting images here...not wanting to evoke any painful memories..

I feel that this one might help you to release some though..

always only when you feel safe though..

this one symbolises strength...even though many circumstances have affected a person..it demonstrates to me the many branches of our lives..past and present...the many twists in our own individual journey..

the trunk of the tree is firmly positioned with it's roots growing beneath the soil unseen by the human eye.

The tree is grounded.

Your affinity with nature is so strong.

I hope that this image speaks to you about so much.. as it does for me.

I'm awake ridiculously early for me, my sleep pattern is suffering, I fought so hard for it over so many years. I wonder if it will get better. I'll ask the Doctor for something to help when I see her. I think I stuffed up with my Daughter again, she seemed to be coping much better & she had written down questions to ask me, so I tried to answer - though I emphasized I'm not a Doctor, I didn't really know what the pathology report meant. But I think I said too much. I thought as she seemed better able to cope I could hint stongly about other suspicions I have. I've noticed breathlessness, I know lungs are one of the common places for breast cancer to spread - I'm a heavy smoker, my brother died with it, my Mother developed it {plus liver & bone which are also common areas for it to spread} after her masectomy & she never smoked or touched alcohol. Again I emphasized that I haven't had any further tests yet, though I was honest that a chest scan/xray was what I was most interested in. I also tried to gently mention, if it was in the lungs it would be fairly fast acting. I wish I could just shut up. That she'd written questions down to ask me, I wasn't expecting that. She's been bombarded with information from other people & she's bombarding me with it. The people giving her most of this information are her family from her Fathers side, her Grandmother had breast cancer, had a masectomy, chemo & radiation therapy & says she's cancer free - her Grandmother never smoked or drank heavily & no one knows what may occur in her future. Her Aunty is a nurse, they've both told her without chemo it won't go away. I was considering surgery, for her sake, but I will not consider chemo, I don't want a treatment that has the potential of making me very ill {I don't want surgery} - when, what people don't seem to mention, is that even with treatment, it may not go away. I still feel like no one can understand or realize what it's like to live a solitary life, that those that know me simply aren't looking at that facts they know. I've never been able to maintain a healthy, successful partner relationship, my friendships have ended & they know that even my family relations became extremely strained. I don't want to blame anyone & I think perhaps that's because I don't want to blame me. A solitary life isn't easier for me just because of the stress I don't receive, it's also because I don't have the guilt of the stress I cause. I don't want to be negitive, but I'm tired of trying to think of politically correct words . . . it's not just my life that's been difficult, I'm a difficult person to interact with. When I post on the forum, usually I have time to think - that's not the case when I'm face to face, & my responses can be . . . not what people want to hear, or expect, or maybe the way to put it is, I'm different. She mentioned that her Aunty had asked if her Father had been told & that he should know & I felt anger. I, me, myself, do not want him to know - but I guess, perhaps it might help her somehow. It has been decades, a few of them, since I've had anything to do with him or his family. My Daughter sought them out some years ago, she knows I don't particularly want anything to do with them. They asked if they could talk to me & asked her if she wanted them to come & care for me! She knew how I would feel, but it still causes me anger & fear, it feels like more of my freedom slipping away & more stress piling up. They're also not looking at other obvious facts, my home - my lifestyle, is not practical for anyone to come & care for me. These treatments, that I don't even want, aren't available where I live, there would be too much travel involved or great costs, as I would basically have to move to the city whilst these treatments occurred. The more information particularly my Daughter gets, the more information I get, it's simply confirming what I knew was my decision in the first place.

I'm heading into town today as it's payday. I want to go & at least start getting some information about some practical matters. My Daughter has already expressed stressed about funerals, when I asked my Sister if she might come in with me to find out more, she sort of fobbed it off, saying 'we don't have to worry about that just yet'. I tried to ease the stress a bit by agreeing with her but saying I just realized that it is something I should arrange, as it's something that will eventually be needed - but I don't think she wants to know. I'm also worried that even my decisions about that may not be what others would decide. If I don't have to have a funeral, I don't want one; nor do I want to be buried or have a gravestone. I'm trying to limit my googling, but from my brief look on the net I may be able to have, what I think is called a basic cremation, where I am cared for, cremated & placed into an urn, & someone can collect it. I briefly looked into the legality of scattering those ashes & it appears to be legal to do so anywhere. I really don't like how much money some buisnesses make from other peoples grief & I don't want to be a part of that. If the people in my life want to get together I'm happy for them to do so, I'd even give them some suggestions if they wanted. I'd like eveybody to wear yellow, gold & as much bling as they can, bring thier pets & gather somewhere where they look over a large body of water. My Daughter lives near a coast, that'd be a nice spot. I've also made enquiries at my Vet clinic, I'll set up an account there with enough funds to ensure my dogs do not suffer in any way. I want them to be euthanized if I become unable to care for them ( @Former-Member in case I shouldn't be saying that), as then I know with certainty that they will not suffer in any way. I will write a letter of consent for the person who will take them in, though I don't feel I can ask my Daughter or Sister yet. I think I would want my Sister to do that for me, as I think my Daughter may be very emotional when I reach that stage of my life. Here's some more thoughts I've had, I am one of nearly 8000 million people. The advances in medical technology are amazing, but I think they are also increasing an already over-populated planet. That the population of Human Beings also includes many other species becoming over-populated & is the cause of many species becoming extinct. I think of all the cows, sheep, pigs, chickens & wheat, corn, rice, potatoes - just to name a few, & I think of the emense clearing of the Earths natural eco-system, a system that developed over millions of years to maintain & sustain life on this planet - to fit all of that in. We live on the only Planet that we know of that sustains life, that planet is surrounded by a bubble; inside that bubble there are limited resources, our planet can only regenerate so much. There are too many of us.

One last thing I want to get out of my head. I don't want a memorial or a 'celebration of my life'. I want a { @Former-Member in case I'm about to say something wrong}, endth, end, ending party! Because I think there's things to celebrate about our end, plus I also think in gerenal we don't not only talk about ending enough, we don't think about it enough either; & maybe if we did, it wouldn't be quite as much of a shock & people reactions wouldn't be quite as dramatic - which just might be a little less stressful for all concerned. I don't think this would be the case for everyone, but in my case, I've reached maturity, I've had many experiences in my life, I've even managed to grasp a level of acceptance for many things. I think everyone has positives in thier lives as I think everyone has negitives. I think one of the main negitives in my life is a sort of realization that my individual thought processes aren't understandable or accepted by most & it's caused me to become very lonely; & also a lot of anxiety, not just the obvious of being physically hurt but the emotional & social type. I can't trust anyone, I can't believe what anyone says . . . . when I end all of that will stop. Isn't that something to be happy about? I think it is.

Hi @Exoplanet hearing you and thankful that you are able to share your journey here. So many people here love you and we love your adventurous spirit, your independence with things like your solar power and your living rurally, your beautiful relationship with your dogs .... and so much more.

Sending love

I agree @eth

🌳💕 @Exoplanet

Hello @Exoplanet

I have been holding off writing to you today..

There is so much that I would like to say to you face to face...

I struggle putting thoughts into words with this type of communication as I am not wanting to further upset you in any way.

Reading through some very intense thoughts that you have written. I feel that you have expressed yourself so well.

You have done some very deep thinking...I am honoured to be able to read your words...

The different subjects that you have broached many people do struggle with even thinking about as you said..

You have written these delicate words so articulately at the same time wanting reassurance that you are following any community guidelines. I again admire you so much.

I want to let you know again that you are in my thoughts often when I am not on the forums..

You along with a few others matter very much to me.

Strange the virtual world.

We can feel lonely ...we can feel or perhaps even question the strong friendships that we have formed in a vitual platform like this.

For me at the end of the day it does not matter.. I have questioned this virtual friendship feeling myself.

What matters is that the friendship exists and that makes it real within us.

We can be amongst many acquaintances, family members yet not be able to relate to them..understand them or be understood leaving us to feel lonely even though we are not physically alone.

You have us @Exoplanet following your storytelling.,.,.supporting you ..

Bless you and your beautiful animals.

love Sophia

Love to all my friends

@Mazarita @eth @Sophia1 @Zoe7 @Appleblossom @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 @Teej @Bunniekins & those I've forgotten to tag

I had a big day yesterday, huge by my standards! I arranged {including payment} for a direct cremation, I set up an account at my Vet, I got a will kit, health directive, power of attorney forms, went to Aldi's & got smokes!

I'm getting a visitor tomorrow, now that doesn't feel real; it's strange considering what I'm going through that the visit is more of a blur. My Sister is coming, she's staying the night. I thought I might get visited, I found out how much accommodation in my little town was - but she's choosing to stay at my place. I've told her the truth, my place is a mess & I just don't feel like cleaning it up. She said what everyone says, 'I'm not coming to see your house, I'm coming to see you'. I think I was ready for that, I could accept it - but when she added, '& I always have, I've seen your place before' - then I almost got very angry. It was a bit of a shock & my instant reaction was to say 'really!', you know like your almost singing the word & the pitch goes up. I tried to choose better words & came out with something like 'you must know why I find you saying that a little odd' & then went on to say 'it's been years & I haven't had to worry about what my place looks like, because nobody sees it'. Luckily I managed to quickly jump back on the no blame train & said what's almost become a chant for me - 'I don't blame anyone, things have been the way they've been ' & then I told her the truth . . . 'I'd love a visit'. I don't want to push anyone away, I never really have wanted that, throughout my life it's been more of an act of self preservation. I chose to tell those in my life whats going on in mine, I knew it would be an emotional rollercoaster; I think they'll ride it better being able to talk to me, visit & mend the bridges before I 'hop off that ride'.

My Daughter was going to visit last weekend, but she wasn't able to, though she's saying she will do so next weekend. It would be the first time she's visited me in over a decade. In fact in the 20 years since she left home, I could count the amount of times she's visited me on one hand. I chose to go to her because I wanted her to be a part of my life & her children. A couple of years ago we had a 'falling out' & I stopped, I've been waiting ever since for her to come to me. I can't help thinking it's taken cancer for that to happen. I can't help worrying that even with it, she won't come. I've already said I'll visit her & I will, but the truth is I want her to come to me, even just once, before I do.

Thank you everyone for understanding & accepting my individual thoughts, beliefs, opinions I am trying to consider everyones individual beliefs & opinions - but that's impossible. I have to also consider my own & here on this Forum, with the beautifully individual friends I have made, I can do so. I am grateful for the kind, caring, accepting @Former-Member for easing my fears of guilt in perhaps wording things wrong.

Just personally @Exoplanet, I think that is awesome ❣️

And awesome you for taking the risks again involved in expressing yourself when you feel you are “different” and somehow less acceptable (? maybe the wrong word ?) for being so ? I was bullied at school for being “different”, which I now see in an entirely different light, and I am so hopeful that these visits will

help you rest easy with the idea that “different”

is not only totally okay, it’s actually something to be celebrated. People who come to visit to judge your home are not comfortable people to know ..... and I am really glad to hear you defending your choices to live with your priorities front and centre, which include your beautiful fur babies and travels amidst native bush land. I am from country people. I so appreciate your outlook, just sad about the fact that you have felt so isolated and lonely within it .....

Yes, it’s a truth and a sad fact that often illnesses like cancer create bridges that reconnect people in an 11th-hour type scenario ...... but I truly hope that things are not as advanced or unhealable health-wise as you are gearing up for ..... and I will be following closely to hear all your news.

You are more of an inspiration here on the forums than I think you realise @Exoplanet. Even the preparations you are putting into place remind me of my grandmother. By the time she passed she had organised and paid for all her expenses, and donated her body to science ..... tagging furniture and personal items all through her home, after discussions with her children and grandchildren about what of hers they might like to look after when she was no longer in need of them, with an eye on practicality like bookshelves, power tools, etc .... wonderful lady she was ...... and you have a similar spirit, including the adventure aspect ..... she went ranging for gemstones in the bush and outback even late in life, and studied, returning to college late in life.

Hugs Hon .... well done you ❣️

Hello @Exoplanet

I am back wanting to let you know that I have read your every word and support you with all of your decisions.

I understand your wish for your daughter to come to you.

I also read how strong you are in inviting your sister into your home.

Your home where you live as you choose not as others dictate or judge.

I believe that your home would have a very calming, welcoming ambience.

Trying to work out family dynamics is nigh impossible.

I think that most families have their own issues with different personalities..

Something that we come to realise we waste far too much time dwelling on what was and what might be..

You are finding yourself in setting wheels in motion for the future. You are strong taking back the reins that probably felt like they were snatched away from you during this whole situation.

I hope that all of this will help you to find time for calm.

I hope that all of this will help clear so many many thoughts racing around in your mind and allow you to be in touch with you at a far deeper level.

This will help you day by day make your choices re your wishes. hopefully in a less overwhelming state.

As far as worrying about saying something wrong..I hope that I am right in telling you not to concern yourself with that. More important for you to consider telling your story..at whatever stage..

@Former-Member will gently let you know if something might need rewording. They are looking after you also and supporting you at the same time.

You do have a special place here for you. A place where you can feel safe. You created this special space yourself with your storytelling.

Come here as often as you need to.

At the same time do not feel that you always need to respond.

This is about you.

We are here with you in spirit

sending you love

Sophia 💜