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Exo's Exposé

Exo's Exposé

Looking for somewhere to hide in the Forum, no offense to anyone, I'm just kinda used to my own space - it feels safer to me. I often feel like I'm 'butting in' on other threads, I want to say something but it isn't 'in-line' with the current flow of conversation.

It rained here yesterday, dogs & cats weren't falling from the sky, but the grounds wet, there's puddles in my driveway & it's soooooooo sooooooo much cooler 😄 Guru Google even promises more!! After this weird wet stuff stopped dropping from above, I took the dogs for their walk, I do this almost every afternoon, but after a storm with close lightning strikes, my main purpose is to check the fence is still upright everywhere. I'm happy to announce it was all in tip-top shape 🙂 I noticed new puddle spots all the way around, I was sad that some trees had to be pushed over for the fence line, but the dip of their absence looks quite beautiful with a drop of moisture shimmering within. When I had completed the usual circuit I by-passed returning into the house-yard & wandered through to the dam. I think I may have been a little rain-drunk, I was hoping to see water in it, there wasn't any. I even went & stood in the very center of it's base, I think I was expecting to sink in mud - I didn't; but the cracks are gone . . . & they were huge. So if the Guru comes through with it's promise, there may yet be a puddle for my Staffy to play in 😉

I've decided to leave my camping trip to the beach for another week, rain wouldn't stop me - it rarely rains 24 hrs a day, but storms have - they often have devastingly strong winds that can break off & pick up reasonably heavy objects, that become dangerous ammunition. I've been emailing with the owners of this place, I'll still be in the off-peak season if I leave it another week - though I worry being so close to the Easter holiday, there's a more likely chance of more people. I keep telling myself I've just got to 'get over' that, that that would be all part of the experience - but I know I'm lying to myself. I picked this spot mainly because of the dog-friendly off-lead beach, but also because on the satelite view of Google maps I could see that there's no towns around it. It's one of the most isolated camping parks I've seen {that's within 5 hours of home, well - maybe just a little more}. It also admits it has old amenities, I saw negitive feedback about the place for those reasons - I think if you want to go to a resort . . . that's where you go - not to a place that describes itself as a rustic, old fashioned bush camping park 😉

Missing you Mazy Loads of love & support @Mazarita

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In response to: Exo's Exposé

Re: Exo's Exposé

💜💐 @Exoplanet

In response to: Re: Exo's Exposé

Re: Exo's Exposé

Went into my Doctor today hoping, as it was not my fault that I was unable to get the results on Saturday, because they were shut, I might be able to see the Doctor today. That was not the case, I have an appointment for tomorrow afternoon. I'm feeling pretty accepting, I feel sorry for someone who might not be & has to go through even just this 'first step' of the process that I've been through already. I'm finding it a little hard to comprehend how many shocks I've had considering I'm not shocked that it's suspected to be cancer & positive results will not shock me either. To me the shocks have not been physical, they've been financial, administrative & the attitudes of medical receptionists. I think I was kind of ready for my Daughters reaction, well ready enough to know I would never be ready for it {she seems much better now} My greastest fear has always been having my freedom of will taken away from me & it is my Sister that worries me the most, as she knows the most about my Mental Health Issues. I still don't know why they would want me to fight to the very last breath, what on Earth for? so I could exsist way in the background of they're lives, making them feel better knowing that I was still breathing??? The reason I'm hanging out for the results is because I'm worried once I have them that's when the real pressure for treatment will begin; that's when I will really have to use all my strength to stand up for my own decisions about my own life - I just want that over & done with.

In response to: Re: Exo's Exposé

Re: Exo's Exposé

@Exoplanet 💛💛💛💛

In response to: Re: Exo's Exposé

Re: Exo's Exposé

Well now it's official, both test were positive for cancer cells. I have put the brakes on, the Doctor just wanted to do her job & immediately started telling me about 'step 2' & wanted to write a referral for hospital for more tests {though I'm thinking she just didn't want to mention surgery}. I think I found a better method than simply refusing, I told her the same that I told my Daughter & Sister {& I was dreading those conversations more than the results} that I want time to think. She told me that the next step would not cost, that there would be a waiting list, that there was the risk of it spreading. I think I did well with my responses, I told her I was willing to take that risk & I accepted the possibilities. She's a good Doctor because {well I think} she's a good person. When I asked about whether because the node is affected that meant it could be anywhere in my body, as that is what I'd heard with my Mother, she got a bit medical, after I listed out loud the cancers my Mother had & stated that I was the 4th person in my family to develop it - she did eventually say they didn't know & I don't think there's a Doctor on the planet that would say if I had this treatment that it definitely wouldn't return.

I know there are many stages of grief, I don't think I've gone straight to acceptance that just doesn't seem right; I'd say I'm in disbelief - not that I don't believe the results, more that it hasn't 'sunk in'. I have anger, I always have, but it feels more directed at other people. Thoughts like, maybe if I'd had an occasional visit, I'd have responded differently. The fact that no one visits me, does lead me to think I'm not a nice person. I know I'm a distance away, it feels like the inconvenience of that distance is not worth my company - that leads me to think I'm worth-less. I'm giving myself the right to think these thoughts, if ever there was a time to think, it's now.

Though I really think my biggest problem is my inability to maintain a relationship. I think nature gives us the instinct to find a mate, to form a lifetime partnership. I don't see the sense in playing the blame game & if I try to look at it without that, just try to see the facts as to why every relationship I've tried to make has failed; I do think it has to do with childhood experiences. The brain develops rapidly during the first 10 years, I believe it's physical structure changes for many reasons, including what experiences an individual has; & that those changes, as small or subtle as they may be, change everything about that individual. I hate the term Mental Health, I don't think I suffer Mental Illness, I think I simply am the way I am.

You often hear people refer to fighting or battling cancer, I think to do that you have to have a strong will to live. I don't particularly want to die, I'm aware it's usually an uncomfortable experience, but I don't particularly want to enlongate my living either. I don't see that as a strong will to live.

My Daughter & Sister seem to have accepted my wanting time to think, the conversations were not difficult, though they both were fairly short. I woke this morning to a message from my Daughter, just wanting to tell me that she loved me . . . it was beautiful. I have a good life, this is another stage of my life & I'm daring to think it might have a chance of being good too.

In response to: Re: Exo's Exposé

Re: Exo's Exposé

@Exoplanet We all have choices we need to make in our lives and none so crucial as the ones you are faced with at present. While it is not the news that everyone was hoping for it is what you expected but the important one in all this is you. You are the one that needs to live with the diagnosis and you are the one that needs to decide what/if you will do going forward. I very much get that thought or will to leave being absent (but for different reasons) and yes feelings of worthlessness certainly feed into that. It is a harder road to forge when you feel more alone. I also believe that you cannot live for others if you do not have that will to live within yourself and being faced with such a prognosis can often bring things into perspective. Whatever you decide to do and whatever road you follow from now I am sure you will travel with your eyes wide open and in that knowledge I hope you find some peace. Sending you much love for right now and in the future

In response to: Re: Exo's Exposé

Re: Exo's Exposé

💜🌷 @Exoplanet ....

In response to: Re: Exo's Exposé

Re: Exo's Exposé

Hello @Exoplanet

I am lost for words to describe what you have gone through and had to deal with, to finally have such a diagnosis.

Dealing with reactions from others..

Shock, anger, resentment perhaps, self questioning and much more all human responses.

Each of us different in how we feel, react, express..

Your reaction and response to doctor....I can seriously say that nobody knows how they will respond until they are in that very situation.

I have my own ideas for myself...

Your family, I believe, are bewildered, grieving...

yes grieving comes along with diagnosis...questioning themselves...life..why you...

.loving you..at the same time also are astounded at such bravery and handling of a crisis in a dignified manner that is true to yourself...

@Exoplanet

again I say to you that you are an inspiration.. you already are a person so true to yourself...

you talk about not feeling that you have a mental illness...just feeling you...

wholeheartedly agree ...we are not lost within diagnoses or labels....tags...

different yes....ourselves ..yes..

hard for many to grasp living in a society where there are so many labels, tags, groups, apps ..expectations...materialism..

I know that you are a person who is strong and independent...

You do not fall apart in a crisis...

Expressing how you feel on here is in no way falling apart...quite the opposite in fact...

Perhaps you are even talking through the process by continuing with your story telling on here...

this would not surprise me ...

Your compassion for others...your strength and determination....your independence...stand out ...

You are a warrior...

Even warriors need time out...this is what you are bravely doing for now..

Give yourself some time if this is what you truly want...weigh up every piece of information that you have been given....try not to compare your diagnosis with past family members even though there are some common factors...

medicine and research have rapidly changed and still are on an ongoing basis...

look at how life around you has already changed...your family connection with you has already changed...

life is still moving forward for you...

you might find yourself looking back at what has been...

you might even start to question relationships that have not worked in the past...

life does that to us when we listen.

we need not linger just accept the thoughts are there and move forward gently

new relationships are starting already with your loved ones....

be gentle and kind to yourself within this time that you take out...

time where you allow your mind to be free of everyone else and everything else...

time out to love those beautiful dogs who love you so much in return...

why do those dogs love you?

you are a beautiful person with such a warm heart and kind soul who gives love...yes you can receive love back...

you can do this ...you can be you...you can make choices that will help lead you to a new journey with the new love that you have...yes you have....opened up within your family...within yourself....your love for you...

guide them with how you want the journey moving forward to be....in your words...

be open to what each day brings...

be together with your dogs and with your connection with the new love that you have helped evolve from your family.

I feel that you are becoming stronger every time I read another post from you..

I trust you and believe in you..

I feel that you are discovering a far deeper part of you..

some never come close to this..

I am not in any way diminishing the reality of what you were told...I am suggesting tackling it from a different aspect if you relate to any of what I have said..

Lastly you might get to the end of the first line and think ..."I don't need this...I don't want to hear yet another opinion...more advice...

Brilliant...

All I want is you to be you...

All comes from my heart..

love Sophia 💜

In response to: Re: Exo's Exposé

Re: Exo's Exposé

Love to you @Sophia1 @Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7 @outlander @Shaz51 @eth Mazy @Mazarita @Teej

I had a long conversation with my Daughter last night, it was a good one, though it touched on stress, I felt pressured & I discovered a very worrying piece of information. I had one other Sister to tell, one that I've had virtually nothing to do with for well over a decade & I sent a message to her yesterday, she replied that she had already been told of my diagnoses, which I didn't realize - & to be honest, it feels to me like my decision to tell anyone my way has been completely taken away from me - I didn't want to tell my Daughter until I had a official medical diagnoses, the Radiology place took that decision away when they left a message on her phone {though I accept it was because I had not updated my phone number} ; & my Daughter took away my decision to tell my estranged Sister, though that wasn't what really worried me; my Daughter told me of a conversation between my 2 Sisters concerning 'getting authority' she said she thought it had to do with being able to contact my Doctor & access my medical information. That has been my greatest fear from the beggining of this, a beginning that was not much more than a week ago. I think it's already begun. I am already regretting my decision to tell them. It seems to me despite the good things that are being said, no one is really considering me - they are pushing for what they want. I don't want to fight or battle, I have been exhausted for decades already, I am not 'giving up', my entire life has been difficult. They have all, in their own way, rejected me - put me in the 'too hard basket', I am not blaming them; the support I want is for them to really think what it is to live my life, to be alone. They all chose to accept my decision to live a solitary life, . . . my life - that was my decision; but my medical treatment at this stage of my life - they are all trying to force me to make thier decisions on that!

I am frightened of symptoms of discomfort

I am frightened of ending

But I am terrified of losing my freedom

In response to: Re: Exo's Exposé

Re: Exo's Exposé

Oh @Exoplanet I feel for you so deeply. s from the bottom of my

Words are inadequate.

In response to: Re: Exo's Exposé

Re: Exo's Exposé

Hugs and hugs @Exoplanet ..... 💜💜💜

I just want to tell you that the way you said it here is very clear, particularly those last few lines.

Is there a way you can write those words, or similar, something that works for you, into a simple card for each of them and and it off ? There are different ways to have your voice heard, and that is one of them.

”Please tread gently on my ground” is another way of saying it ..... before adding something like “my personal freedom is very precious to me and greater than the fear of ending is the fear of being inhibited by other people’s wishes for me. Please consult with me before rushing to decide what might be best on my behalf ....”

Not trying, in any way to take away your voice in this @Exoplanet, just support you to find the words that suit who and how you are, and have them secure in your mind to use them as you will, so you are less likely to be sept away in forceful conversation coming at you from anyone else.

Its a skill I had to teach myself, because I was too gentle in the path of more forceful others ...... others who exert their will without care or consultation ......

Gently gently with you ......

💐💕

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