The Fear of Dying Alone

I feel like I want to die right now.

I will never be loved.

I shoud die right now

Hi @Former-Member

Sounds like a really rough time for you right now. Good on you for reaching out. It sounds like you are looking for ways to try to sort out all the difficulties in your life.

Will send you an email shortly.

Joe the Lion

NIght Shift Moderator

Thanks for getting back to me,

I’m okay right now. I still feel pathetic and ugly right now.

I’ve found that crisis services are good but they have the same problem as everyone else when dealing with the issues I have.

They are condescending and have no concept of the difficulties of being single in a couples world. They often make asinine comments on it like “It’s possible that you will never be loved”, or “You probably will die alone”.

I mean these people are meant to be carers and take everything into consideration but when it comes to this issue people’s ignorance come out to the fore.

I don’t really have any hope that this will change because I am an ugly human being who doesn’t deserve love and someone who should be executed for for crimes against humanity for my appearance.

Hi @Former-Member

Glad that you are okay at the moment, sorry to hear that the crisis helplines don't always help you that much.

Have you tried calling again if you weren't happy with the counsellor you spoke with? Sometimes it is okay that we don't always gel with each counsellor, there are many that work the helplines and sometimes calling back to chat to another counsellor can be helpful.

What kind of supports do you connect with - a therapist or GP? I am wondering if perhaps you could share a bit more about your story, as well as maybe some things that you enjoy, that do make you feel a little better from time to time? This can help other members connect and offer the kind of support you are looking for.

Hey, thanks for replying.

I’ve found that I don’t really get as much out of those kinds of helplines as I used to. They don’t really help me as much because it seems they’ve all forgotten what it’s like to be single.

Its hard.

Really hard.

I have a therapist that I see every two weeks.

I listen and play music. I have been playing guitar for 12 years. I do a music thing every now and then but it’s only a one on one appointment.

I’m not sure what I should share. What specifically?

Hi and welcome to Sane @Former-Member 🖐😊

It's incredibly brave of you to voice your pain as you have. I've read each post on this thread with interest as I too live alone and don't feel confident with finding a life partner. Although my story differs from yours greatly, the premise of feeling isolated and fearful of a lonely future is similar.

I've noticed a lot of anger developing as you disclose more about your experiences. I get this. It's understandable considering your age and need for intimacy. At the peak of your sexuality, feeling there's no prospect of companionship and being exacerbated by failed attempts, it's no wonder life's baring down on you.

You asked in your first post was there someone who could help you understand what's wrong and how to approach things. I'd like to try if that's ok.

Communication is at the core of every relationship no matter what the origin. Depression and anxiety don't help; even the smallest amount of pressure causes [us] to withdraw, defend our position or go into panic mode. Considering this, how you respond to people and situations is a good place to start.

Judgeing people for how they respond to you is far easier than self assessing especially when you feel threatened or anticipate failure. I know this first hand as it's been one of the most important recovery tasks since my breakdown.

Self-assessing, identifying areas of concern, developing steps to address my deficits, then practicing each step to change the dynamics and 'flow' of my conversation style, for me, was undoubtedly the hardest challenge I've faced in my adulthood. The rewards though are far more rewarding than I could've imagined.

Getting caught up with 'the big picture' can confuse and frustrate to the point of exhaustion. It's when you narrow down the topic of concern that 'ah-ha' moments begin to appear.

What they think, feel, say or do can never be controlled by you. No matter how giving, pleasant or sociable you are, people will just keep being themselves. I learned this the hard way; people pleasing until I caused my own demise. I stayed in toxic relationships, tolerated fools, gave of myself until I was spent and blamed myself for their treatment of me.

That had to stop for me to regain control of my life.

I've written quite a bit today. If you're interested in chatting, I'd be more than happy to continue talking. Could you please hit the 'thumbs up' button and use my 'username' when responding as this will alert me on the notification board. (Press @ and a drop-down menu will appear. Hit my tag name which will then appear in the post)

I log-in a few times a day so I'm bound to see the notification. Please don't be too concerned if I don't get back to you straight away ok.

Take care...

Kind thoughts;

Hope 👵

Hi @Hope4me thanks for replying,

I am so sorry to hear that you are in a similar position to me. If you understand, like me, about how prevalent relationships are in society then you will know just how unavoidable it is.

I'm glad that you see that. I know its hard to see that over a forum but I think people do not understand that what really lies under my anger is fear. The fear of being forever alone. I don't like being angry, I am a pretty easy going guy, but I have been rejected so many times in my life that it hurts me beyond what words can say.

I agree with communication, it is important for human connection full stop. I have found that I have improved that exponentially since I have left high school. I have developed, what I think, is a pretty interesting personality from practicuarly nothing when I left high school. Normally parts of it are developed in school but I didn't really have a social life at school so I have to fend for myself in that regard.

I'm still not sure as to what I am doing wrong though. I have NEVER made it past a first date. Never. Some of them I can pinpoint as to what happened but others, I have no clue at all. There were a couple of ends of dates where the woman actually said to me "We should totally do this again sometime". Those dates were really good and I cannot think what could have been the part of where it went wrong considering SHE said those words, not me.

That's what kills me on the inside. I know men who take their partners for granted and treat them awfully and yet, I'm the one who is single! It boggles the mind! I have no idea what makes me so unattractive.

The feedback I've received through group therapy is that:

- People view me as a leader.

- I have a really good sense of humour

- I am kind, respectful, and very understanding of other's perspectives

- I have a lot of likes and interests.

Yet if you asked the women I've been on first dates with, they could probably say the opposite.

Sorry if I sound angry, I am just really frustrated.

Hi again @Former-Member

You've written about the woman who said she had a good time, twice now. It struck me as odd that you said she never got back to you. Knowing women as I do, (because I am one lol) it's very likely your lady friend is feeling the same way you are because it's traditionally the gentleman who responds after a first date. Please correct me if I'm wrong ok. The way you explained it means you waited for her to call you; is this right?

Although traditional concepts within relationships seem to be disappearing, deep down women still want to feel protected, supported and desired and; men usually want to feel appreciated, supported and looked up to. Both, want to be loved and feel love towards another.

Now obviously this is the ideal, but in most male/female relationships the brain is predominantly set on 'survival of the species mode'. Without it we wouldn't even bother. It's this drive that causes us much of the social trials we go through.

Navigating social conformity's when pursuing or being pursued has become difficult as our primal habits have been completely twisted and in some cases reversed, by powerful modern influences. The confusion this causes our 'brains' can run deep, especially when we, (vulnerable people with MH issues) go against these primal norms.

Because we're susceptible to slights that others might fob off, things can really take a turn for the worst.

Communication isn't just verbal; it's our body language that really 'gets in'. Did you know that our brains have the capacity to count how many times a person blinks each minute while conversing with them? Obviously we have filters that protect us from such information, but it demonstrates just how powerful our brains can be when it comes to observing each other during mating rituals.

These are the basics I'm referring to...which brings me to your familial upbringing. You haven't mentioned your family. This is where we first learn how to relate to the opposite sex, then those lessons carry through into school and relating continues to develop.

It's really helpful to look at this period of your life to identify if you carry any qualities from previous relationships (such as parents) and, who you're subconsciously drawn to as a partner. (And why) You mentioned school not being a particularly enjoyable experience which may have a baring on your current situation.

Anyway Renagade, I could talk about this for days. I've done so much work on myself and studied the theory of 'me', there's loads of interesting stuff sitting there waiting to be passed on. That's my gift to others...

I hope your day's going as well as can be expected.

Take care;

Hope 👵

Hi @Hope4me

I thought it was odd too, and I can answer the question for you. I waited a couple of days and then messaged and said "how was your weekend?". She never replied, and a day or so later, she deleted me. This was on Tinder by the way. She seemed really nice, we had really good conversations and banter, and we had things in common. These experiences are why I have so much anger, because I was doing really well at the time and that just destroyed me. What more could I have done? People say to me you need to work on yourself first, but I have a BA, I have a wide range of interetes and hobbies, a personality that does know how to tell a joke or two, and values and principles that I stand by and trying show through mental health advocacy. That's the hard work I've expended in the last seven years since I've left high school.

In my immeadiate family I have my mother, my father, and my sister who is 20. The person I get on with the most is my mum, followed by my sister, and then my dad. That's not to say I don't get on with my dad but we do have communication issues on my mental health issues. He tries his hardest but he doesn't really have the capacity to step into someone else's shoes. We've had family counselling sessions which have helped but I think we have reached the limit of understanding.

My mum knows everything that I've been through. During my multiple stints in hospital she was there everyday. My sister has had mental health issues of her own that we share every now and then. So there are no obvious problems there.

My dad is the reason why I eventually became a straight edge. He is big on anti-smoking and that rubbed off on me. While he drinks alcohol I took the same level of questioning to that and thought about "what purpose does alcohol actually serve in society?". Eventually I came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to drink it because all I saw was that it turned people into completely different characters. Plus my mental health was getting worse and I didn't want to have a dependency on something.

I guess I'm drawn to women who have similar interests, are open minded, has a sense of humour, and is caring, empathetic and honest. I care a lot about honesty because I had a lot of backstabbing friends in high school. It means I have trust issues.

My day was hard. I was at uni and we had a break from class. I saw two people holding hands and it destroyed me on the inside. It was like someone had ripped my heart up and thrown it in the bin. I've never felt so lonely and stuck in my life.

The fear of dying alone and never having a girlfriend, which is something society takes for granted, is going to happen. Because I am too left of centre.