The Fear of Dying Alone

That's totally ok @Former-Member, sounds like you've been busy this week! That's good that you are meeting someone from HeadSpace, we hope it goes well for you.

Hey @Ali11

Its been full of study, social commitments and being sick. There is a bug going around at the moment.

I hope so too. I do want to get out more but I sometimes don’t know how to.

Okay I’ve slipped badly again today. Even my psychologist is entertaining the notion that it won’t happen now.

I have heard there's a bug going around @Former-Member, are you feeling better now? Did you still make those social commitments? Anything fun?

No amount of anyone telling you that you'll find love will change how you're feeling until your own view of yourself changes. Reading back through a couple of your earlier posts you mentioned that you have a strong sense of self, but you've made multiple comments since that I can't imagine you'd let anyone else say about you, so why are you letting yourself say these things about you? Something that may help your situation is breaking the pattern of saying "I'm ugly and boring", or "I see other people in relationships and think, what's wrong with me?". There are various kinds of self confidence, but they don't all equal self love.

It's not easy, and trust that you're not the only one who has been through it, but learning to love yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give. When you love yourself, people feel that, and they want to know why. There are plenty of people who act confident, even believing they're "always right" in conversations, that they never do any wrong, but they still don't love themselves. "I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others." - Marcus Aurelius

Hi @Former-Member

I read quite a bit of your thread while I was waiting to see my doctor during the afternoon - and I found you interesting - I am interested in literature and history and have an honours degree and I am also a musician - I play piano and used to be a guitarist before arthritis damaged my fingers too much. I don't like grunge but that's my choice and my opinion about drinking and smoking is that I don't and that's the only person who matters.

The comments people make about not drinking because it's not Australian are really wrong - you can say it is your choice - it really is your own opinion that counts

I would never make fun of you. I can hear you say you fear always being a virgin - maybe that will be the case but it's society and it's expectations that are the problem I think - I am much older than you and have been married and also had a long relationship after that and now I am alone and like it better - I can please myself - something we can't always do in a relationship.

But I also hear that it's a problem for you - and there may be someone around the corner for you - who can tell? You are very young yet really and it is this day and age that seems to influence people's attitudes of sex, marriage - one or both - people pair off - but not everyone - true - it can be painfully lonely at times but - I live like that and have for a long time but I also hear you and it's painful for you

About being ugly - I am not sure why you think that esp as you don't look in a mirror - I just saw a programme on TV about people with facial deformities and it must be a pretty tough way to live - there were people who actually get into some kind of modelling - accepting what they look like, there was a boy with a birth defect and a man who had been in an horrific accident.

Maybe something like this happened to you - I don't know - I did meet a young man once who might have had a birth defect but I still spoke to him when he was offering directions and could tell he was a helpful and kind person - and he approached me first - which must have taken courage.

Maybe you will find that courage - I hope so

And we can change things about ourselves - and I do understand - I actually hated my second given name - I can hardly imagine why parents would spend 9 months choosing such a horrible name for their first child - I changed it by deed poll and upset my parents and like it better and sometimes look at documents or ID and feel a sense of satisfaction about my name - and I did not go back to my maiden name after divorce either - I chose another name I like better

But when it comes to self-hatred I really do understand - we wear our name as much as we wear our face I think - and my self-esteem improved when I changed things after my during my separation and divorce - I really think your self-esteem is the hard part - if you can learn to change that life may look better

I hope it does - I was intrigued reading parts of your story late yesterday and hope you can improve life for yourself - and I don't think you are an ugly person inside - just very unhappy - I really believe that

Dec

btw - here - no one has a face or a name - we learn about people through what they say - and I feel you have a flickering little light inside that really wants to grow - all the best

@Ali11 @Owlunar

I do have a strong sense of self but I am constantly surrounded by idiots. I go to work when they all are and its frustrating. Some of them can barely string words together to make a coherent sentence and yet they are married and have kids. I honestly think all the work I have done has been for absolutely nothing. I am just not good enough.

The reason I don't look in the mirror is because I have in the past and I thought I was a physically unattractive thing. I looked in the mirror not that long ago actually and I was absolutely repulsed by what I saw. Plus women reject me all the time so why would I not think I am ugly? It started in high school when everyone was getting into relationships. Guess who was the only person that didn't get to experience that? I was an ugly piece of crap to look at as I am now.

How can I love myself when no one gives a damn about me? I always show that I care about others and what they are into but is that reciporcated? Nope, even when I assert myself and reveal what I am into no one gives a damn.

I am sick of people telling me that "oh you are lucky being single" or "you better off single". Then why did you get into a relationship in the first place? I want to be loved, I want to be able to give love, and I want to be a dad. But it won't happen because women don't give me a freaking chance. If anyone else says something like "oh being single is better and it gives you more freedom" then I won't be coming back here. And don't say I am naive because I know the troubles people go through in relationships. It doesn't stop anyone does it now? And this is a couples world, not a singles world

..that's a bit much isnt it @Former-Member ? there are no ugly people these days unless you hadnt noticed .. only fit or rich people eg case in point the modern remake of A Team .. the Face Man , played by popular movie star with broken nose odd looking face yet screen persona ok Owen wilson whos main claim to fame is body fat percentage

@TAB

How is it too much? That’s the reality in this day and age. It’s my reality and what I’ve been through. It’s not just fit and rich people. If you want to get on reality tv shows or if you want to be a music star for instance, what’s more important? Body image or talent? With the state of the music industry right now, it is clearly body image that’s more important. And don’t get me started on reality tv.

I get rejected by women all the time. It’s clearly I have a disgusting personality or I am a physically repulsive human. I have these episodes daily now so that probably makes me unattractive too

I think I went through a similar stage like 3 years ago @Former-Member re self perspective. it passed.

Hey there @Former-Member it's super difficult moving through the motions in which you are, it sounds like your self-esteem is very low at the moment and perhaps has been for some time. We're definitely feeling your pain, it's actually a really common experience to go through and it can be uncomfortable and frustrating especially as we compare ourselves to others.

The reality is people from all walks of life and with very varying physical looks have successful and unsuccessful experiences of dating/romance. Yes it's true, society at times makes things a lot easier for some who are deemed "physically attractive" by western standards (I still really don't know what that looks like ), however it is not a determining factor or as black and white as it may feel to you.

I can understand that if your self-esteem is low though it may be affecting everything around you, so it's important to focus on that. You are worthy, you are valuable and I definitely recommend you have a chat with the team at Mensline on 1300 78 99 78. Mensline are very well-versed in this area and will be able to put in place some basic strategies in building your self-esteem back up. Our forum will always try and advocate for your recovery, we focus on helpful recovery-focused posts, so if other members are encouraging you to shift perspective I do genuinely believe it's coming from a place of relatability and care. You're not alone, and we really hope you see your worth because our community certainly does