Need better strategies.

Edited

Your post is heart breaking and tells a sad story of prejudice and misunderstanding and struggle. I cant address all you say in a simple response. It is great that you are putting your story and experience out there and I hope a lot more people respond.

I think there is a Queer Choir in Melbourne that is a general LGBTI activist group. Not sure what your area is, but slowly slowly there are changes.

Take Care

@Former-Member

Hey @Former-Member, thank you for sharing this, there is so much here that I can relate with, particularly around experiences of hospitalisation from intense periods of gender dysphoria. I, too, have come to a point in my transition where I feel I can find no further relief from dysphoria, my financial situation preventing me from accessing surgery, and my mental health severely impacting my ability to make money.

I just wanted to make a quick response to say hello, I see you, and while it’s hard to make suggestions for coping strategies without knowing you better, I will tell you briefly what has worked for me. Finding ways to be in my body that feel good, and remind me of all the work I’ve put into changing it, the parts I am happy with, and the small ways it reflects who I am. I try to do yoga often, because it helps me focus on just being with myself as I am, with less attachment to an outcome for my body. Meditation also helps me be mindful of how I’m feeling in my body, and just sitting with it, but particularly loving-kindness meditation if you’ve ever tried it, allows me to have compassion for myself, however I am feeling.

These are just a couple of things that have helped me recently, I’d love to hear more about what’s going on for you and ways that you’ve found relief.

❤️

At the moment and since I began testosterone, other than making sure I am financially able to afford taking it and attending the necessary monitoring with my GP, I have very few healthy coping strategies because my gender dysphoria is rather extreme, especially the body related variant. My social related dysphoria has gotten better since being on testosterone because that has allowed me to be "cis passing" and unless I am in a setting where it is known already, or absolutely necessary for it to be known, most people don't notice anymore if it is solely a social setting.

I do still have social dysphoria but it is more that I now struggle with the fact my struggles of living in the wrong body are invisible. I often still feel like I am stuck in a costume and not a real, full on active participant in my physical self and bodily integrity/autonomy. I find that hard to deal with, and tend to avoid communicating about it unless to my GP, because, understandably most people don't get it.

I deal with direct body involved requirements like showering and dressing by not looking and using other strong sensory based products so I have something else to pay attention to, but psychologically I still have to know I have the wrong body even though parts of it have changed thanks to testosterone. I tend to be unable to not fixate on what has not and cannot change unfortunately, because that's just the beast of gender dysphoria.

Unfortunately I tend to dissociate a lot in body involved requirements to get me through them, and fall asleep when I'm done because its so exhausting for me.

I find meditation and mindfulness rather triggering so I avoid them, and anything else that makes it obvious that I "need" a distraction, because that only draws attention to why I need it in the first place.

I tend to go for overly masculine sensory things and only wear clothes that don't make my need to wear a chest binder more obvious and painful. Basically I just cover as much of me physically as possible so I don't have to look at it. I use pretty typical transman products to assist me with specific other body dysphoria, if you get what I mean without naming what it is specifically. As little body awareness the better unfortunately otherwise it consumes me and makes me physically ill.

I do my best to not read the news, especially political news because I find that triggering. Although I do like to keep up with whether certain laws and so on are changing and how so, so that can be rather difficult to manage. If I do it too much, my legal and financial problems consume me. I think you get the idea.

Oh, with showering and dressing I have mirrors covered so I don't have to look at my body as well.

@Former-Member, I hear that it’s very difficult for you to be with your body in any way. It sounds like you’re doing as much as you can to distract yourself and cope with the dysphoria in ways that just get you through whatever interactions with your body need to happen. I can fully empathise with this; there’ve been times when I’ve struggled with dissociation when having to take my clothes off and such. I’m really sorry that it’s so hard for you right now.

I know that yoga and meditation aren’t for everyone, apologies for suggesting something that you find triggering. Do you have an idea of what kind of coping strategies you’re looking for? It sounds like distraction is most helpful for you at the moment.

Also, have you got any trans friends where you live, or are there any opportunities to meet people who might be struggling with the same things that you are?

Its fine, we're all different. I didn't have any particular ideas in mind, just that distraction isn't very effective because why would I need it if things weren't so awful to begin with, and it doesn't actually take it away. It just..... Well it doesn't really do anything besides provide something else to try and focus on. Not really a solution.

No, I don't have any friends, yet alone trans friends and I'm not a social person, I prefer to be alone. I have spoken to other trans people before around here, but they are all over and done with in regards to their gender transition and don't really have much dysphoria anymore, as is expected with trans people who have done what they personally needed to in order to transition.

I've just had my GP and various other professionals in the past tell me that there are other ways to get by that aren't transition related and wondered if any trans people had any such things to help them. Frankly the idea makes no sense to me, but I was just wondering because obviously a cis person can't tell me what those are. Makes me wonder why they would tell me such a thing, actually.

I'm always being told I need to develop healthy coping strategies and its just like well, I wouldn't need coping strategies if I didn't have gender dysphoria, so..... What are they? If you get what I mean.

Do you think they meant more general quality of life improvements that help to live with dysphoria? Because I have always known for myself that dysphoria is something I will live with for the rest of my life, much like depression, it will rise and fall and evolve over time, but there will always be this fundamental feeling of incongruance with my body.

This is why I suggested finding ways that do feel good to be with your body, however small or fleeting, because the opposite of distraction is being present with how your body is right now, even if it feels messy or incomplete. I think this is something that took me a long time process, the feeling of being incomplete and possibly never being able to afford to do anything more about it. It’s really scary to live with that!

Have you used any other forums online specifically for trans people? I have found it incredibly validating to make friends with other trans people that I can talk about my experience of dysphoria with, even if our transitions are very different, there’s still a feeling of understanding.

I’m actually really glad I found your post, it’s what made me want to start engaging with these forums. I only hope my responses are helpful, even in just generating ideas. I cannot tell you what will help, but I can tell you what has worked for me. Lifting weights, boxing, new haircut, tattoos and piercings, having long baths. The more time I have spent with my body, the more I have learned to just be okay with how it is right now.

Obviously this is something to be really gentle with around triggers, but what I’m trying to say is that it’s possible to fight dysphoria with self-love and compassion.

For some reason I didn't see this until just now. I did read what you wrote, and yes I know that body awareness, body acceptance and body positivity is the opposite of distraction and what I should aim for. But I can't, there is something there that won't let me because to me it would be wrong to accept something that destroys my life, that just doesn't seem healthy at all. And the reality is that body acceptance essentially means accepting a biological abmormality also, one that puts me at an extreme risk for so many things that a cis person never has to consider.

I have gotten as far as accepting that I have a trans body, because I had to in order to let myself transition in the first place. But at the same time, it honestly wasn't a conscious thing and it certainly wasn't a choice. I did it because I literally had no other option, other than ending it all which defeats the purpose of healthy coping strategies.

Beyond that, though, it is beyond me without being able to continue my transition. I have worked very hard to try and change that, but I would be a fool to say that its possible, and I don't care for lying to myself either. I can see that maybe this could and eventually would change if I were continuing to transition simultaneously, but without it I'm just playing the same old broken record.

I've had very negative maladaptive coping mechanisms since I was a young child, I came out early and paid the price in daily abuse and neglect. I won't list the horrible things I've done to my body because its inappropriate, but they are learned behaviours from my abusers and they are connected to the corrupt beliefs about myself and my body that they gave me.

I hope its not inappropriate to say this, but a large part of the problem is that from the day I first came out, the only example of how to treat myself and my body specifically was to try and get rid of it. It didn't take long to see how my body being punished was happening because I am a trans person, and from that I started doing it too and discovered that punishing the body is the only reason I was even able to survive the abuse at all.

I learned that punishing it was a way to express how much I believed that it deserves it for taking so much away, and putting me in a position that made me a vulnerable target to begin with. With the depersonalisation, I soon learnt that being separate from embodiment made my sense of gender and being a male much more prominent and uninfluenced, and that's how I ended up here in this behavioural pattern. I can't break out of it because my brain associates having a trans body as the largest threat to my life and welfare, even larger than any abuser and certainly larger than any harm brought to it, because without it, I may not have even been abused and the risk wouldn't be there.

That can't change until my body does too. I have tried it many, many times in trauma therapy and ended up almost catatonic right there in front of a strange psychologist. Lovely. Every psychologist I have met has had no clue what the freeze response brought on by trauma even is, and I'm not joking when I say they literally fell out of their chair when they saw it in me, and proceeded to tell me it was the most disturbing thing they had seen in a long time.

Then came the countless attempts to teach me grounding skills. None of them ever worked, and that resulted in them refusing to treat me anymore.

At this time, my negative behaviours are related to my eating disorder, which I have had since the onslaught of puberty hell began. It has almost ended me, but I can't care because I, as in the identity that exists in my brain, was not and still isn't effected by my eating disorder. I have an eating disorder which is rarely ever recognised by professionals because it doesn't make me emaciated or even close to it, and doesn't cause any of the "valid" medical problems.

This makes it very easy to hide and have a careless attitude towards it. People can't see my suffering or the horrible relationship I have with my body, good because it means they can't see the effects of my complex trauma either, and don't treat me like a poster child for surviving abuse. I consider my eating disorder to be a part of me, and its been there so long that it probably legitimately is.

Just like my complex PTSD, it grew up with me. I'm a Gemini, so I consider it to be my evil half, because I know it is bad but I can't care because it is still part of what makes me, and that's all I care about, all I have ever cared about is protecting and preserving myself, even to the point of total separation from my body, in fact, I don't even consider it truly mine, why would I if it doesn't match and destroys my life and ability to function? Even if it has to die, that is all I have ever cared about, and to be quite frank, I don't see any sanity or rationale in me existing either, not under the circumstances I'm forced to endure.

And there's no future in sight where that has changed, no known as for even if it ever will. So yes, I am "safe and alive" in the sense the meatsuit I was given is present. But me, actual me? Never experienced safety and I don't believe it even exists. People can see the meatsuit, but they can't see me because I'm stuck here in my brain, being preserved by dissociative symptoms because people make me exist.

But that's enough said. Maybe I shouldn't have started this after all. Doesn't seem like I'm in a place where I can benefit from it, but maybe other trans people can.

Thank you for responding, I was getting worried when I didn't hear back from you!

I'm interested that you used the words 'biological abnormality' in referring to your transness. I can see how it would feel that way when so much of how we approach gender transition in the West is medicalised, and simply being transgender is treated as a diagnosis or mental health condition. It's also really hard to look past social issues around gender expression and not feel like there is something different and wrong about yourself that needs fixing, when there are so many people who hate us for existing. This is such a huge part of what makes dysphoria so distressing.

However, I think it's completely natural (and beautiful!) to be trans, and to be able to move beyond standard expressions of gender in a way that cis people can't understand. Obviously, our privilege determines what we can do with our bodies in terms of meds and surgery, but medically transitioning is such a relatively new avenue for trans people, and it can feel like we're forced into chasing this ideal body that will reflect who we are, and finally let us walk through the world safely.

I hear you when you say that you've been through what sounds like a lifetime of horrible abuse and trauma, and I have so much sympathy for you. I'm incredibly sorry that your transness has been used against you by your abusers, and I really hope you're able to heal and move on from those experiences, because there is nothing wrong with who you are.

It does sound like you're very fused with some negative thought patterns, and it feels like the suggestions I've made haven't been helpful - I'm sorry for that. Maybe it would be a better idea to talk about the negative coping strategies that you currently use, and think of some ways that we can try and replace them? You've hinted at sh, and told me about your disordered eating, are there any others you can think of that are worth mentioning?

I'm here for you, and I'm really glad you've started this conversation, even if you're finding it hard to get answers. Thank you again for responding, I'm looking forward to hearing from you again.

Hello again @soft_edges I read your reply, and I hope I'm not offending you by stating this, but for me, no I don't consider it a natural or beautiful thing, and I consider myself to be transsexual, not transgender. This is part of why I have a medicalised view of myself, I completely respect that you can be a trans person without that, but for me it is important to have that medicalised view and to pathologise the body I have, because I have to in order to accept the healthcare.

Personally, I have no interest in being treated or viewed as a trans person within society. I only bring it up when it is relevant or because I literally have to. To me it was a label society gave me, not a part of my identity, and it was given to me because I am different to cis people. I have had to learn to accept that and to let myself grieve the loss of being able to be cis and have a cis body. Although I am clearly having significant issues with the latter, which is evident in my behaviours.

Personally, I accept the medicalisation and think it is necessary. I wouldn't be here without it. Although I do disagree with certain aspects of it, like I don't think it should be classed as a mental health condition, or at least not inherently. It being so has actually made it a lot harder for me to access healthcare, transition related or not.

I read in your above reply that you find being able to speak to other trans people helpful. I'm glad that is the case, I think its very important to be able to communicate with people who actually understand what you're going through. However, for the most part, this hasn't been my experience, mostly because a lot of trans people find my medicalist opinion rude and offensive, as with the word transsexual itself, even though I in no way apply them to others unless they say it is OK to do so.

I do have a couple of people I communicate with regularly that are also trans, but for the above reason, they are transsexual also. And to be honest, we go out of our way to not discuss it that much because it is rather depressing, and we aren't really interested in it being the most prominent part of our friendship or giving it priority.

Yes, unfortunately I am very fused with my complex trauma and my abusers. That is often a symptom of complex PTSD and one of the ways it differs from standard PTSD. You can become very preoccupied and even obsessed with your abusers and their actions, and have a strange attachment to them that isn't present in a healthy relationship. My apathetic view towards bodily harm comes from this, as does my lack of care towards much of anything and especially myself physically. Not trying to glorify it, but that's the way it is for me and how it always has been.

I can sit there for hours and talk about my abuse as if it never even happened because I was conditioned to believe it was/is a normal part of life, and even that I deserve such normal part of life. I have little if any emotional connection to most of my abuse because I have none with the body I was given and because I had to be that way in order to survive, plus I was taught that emotions are not allowed/are bad/inappropriate etc.

Plus I just always been a rather emotionally constipated and numb person. The complex trauma just took it to the extreme unfortunately.

Yes, I do have a SH history, quite a large one too. I'm also a "recovering" (I don't really believe in recovery to be honest) addict. Both of these behaviours are also connected to my current behaviours in that I am very vulnerable to addictive type behaviours and coping mechanisms, of which food and food related behaviour is addictive also, hence the eating disorder, gender dysphoria is just fuel to add to the fire per se. I have transferred from addiction to addiction many times throughout my life, because that is my main set of coping mechanisms.

I don't want to mention which eating disorder behaviours I have, that is inappropriate. I am currently 5 years clean from self-harm and 7 years sober, however like I said, not really actually in recovery because I have just switched behaviours throughout my lifetime. Addictive behaviour is also something I learned from my abusers unfortunately. As you can probably tell, my sense of identity and self are quite impoverished, and my resources are well and truly lacking.

I've tried a multitude of therapies and healthy coping strategies at the suggestion of many psychologists. None of them are very useful, and they never stick, unfortunately.

Also, it has nothing to do with chasing an ideal body. An ideal body doesn't exist.