I’m sick of being crazy

A little about myself, I have spent most of my adult life in and out of hospital with a number of different diagnoses which never quite fit the bill, 2 years ago I was diagnosed with BPD which I think has been the closest fit for me so far. Since this diagnosis I have been seeing a psychologist on a regular basis- in November my free visits ran out so I have to wait until April until I can get more free visits. This hasn’t helped, I’m currently getting Centrelink (unemployment) I really want to work however something flared up and sets me spiraling all over again when I start working- long story short I have been working with a job search place trying to get ready to work again (Centrelink want me applying for jobs until I am employed working 38 hours a week)

i have tried my best to just go with the flow but today when I took my son to school I had an absolute meltdown over nothing and have been crying for the past 9 hours. I went to my doctor and told him I wasn’t coping but he could only suggest more medications which I just don’t want (and can’t afford)

if I don’t meet these job requirements I will lose my only income. I’m a single mum and I just want to be normal. I am so so so sick of feeling like this. I can’t take it anymore. I thought I was doing so well and as soon as I try to be a normal adult I break down. I can’t be crazy anymore- it’s going to make me homeless if I can’t get a job and work. I just don’t know what other options I have. What’s wrong with me? I want to work, I want to be normal I just don’t know what else I am meant to do. I don’t want to be this way anymore.