Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

Hi everyone. I've been reading through these posts and want to thank you all for your honesty and generosity in sharing your stories. I just want to say that this is a sapce that absolutely holds the safety of children in the upmost importance.

Each of us have been on our own journey and had our own experiences along the way so I think it's important to be mindful and respect that our experiences are all different.

The experiences we have deeply affect us and can shape the way we see the world and it's likely that because of this members won't always agree or share the same experience.

I do want to remind you and assure you that SANE is a safe space in which we respect, value and listen to each other without judgment and in a strengths focused way.

Thank you all again for sharing your insights, experiences and stories. The richness of these is what makes the forums such a wonderful and supportive space 🙂

And so you should @Former-Member. Some one has to take a stand for children. I am quiet IRL and no one even notices that I am there. But there are certain topics that make me very upset, I swear to god I can levitate off the floor in 0.00222 seconds it goes that deep down to my core hurt. It is precisely the adults around little kids that we rely on to protect us.

My Psychiatrist worked in the prison system and there is a reason why child abuse is such a touchy subject there and it turns them into animals when an offender arrives at the prison. It is not OK. Children and young people are powerless, they have nowhere to go.

It sounds like your family are not kids at all @SJT63 and that they are full grown adults that have their own lives and they can live away from their parents and get some R & R when they need to. Sorry if I came across as too strong, I often do and have my own flaws but it does shock me. Reading posts that read like someone has to escape for the night to a refuge and then the next minute it reads as if it was an over-reaction.......I hope that you can get a lot our of the forums @SJT63 .

I don't take offence for long, but I do want to influence how you think. We are not all monsters. My fathers mental illness was just the rocket fuel on his abusive personality. It was like pouring petrol on his core traits. It was about who he was as a person. I hope you have a good day for the rest of the day. I have just got back from exercise physiology in the park and I really gave all those push ups and air bunches a red hot go for Little Corny who was let down, it wasn't about you, its my own problems, my own history and my own broken brain. Take care @SJT63 I am sure that you are a wonderful person, Cheers, Corny

@Corny thank you x

when I "escape" it's because he's thrown me out, and I go and stay in his empty house for a few nights to regroup. It is perhaps his over-reaction rather than mine, reactions that are usually a result of his autism rather than mental illness. It's the mental illness that then turns them into an over-reaction.

"We are not all monsters" - indeed not. Not for a minute. Mr S's innate personality is very docile and helpful and he adores me; when he is himself. He is always so crestfallen if I talk to him about what he's said and done when manic (he doesn't remember much) that mostly I don't tell him. He feels shame and guilt and can plummet to a different kind of bad place. He never tries to defend his behaviour as reasonable or justifiable in any way. I tell him anything that's really important, but I don't re-hash old conversations just to make him feel bad.

As for exercise, I am considering walking to the letterbox instead of driving when I get home, but I don't want to be too impulsive.

I am sure you have a heart of gold as well.

x

@SJT63 I stayed for the long haul and many could not understand why I chose to stay even though Mr Darcy did not have any anger issues. It was difficult when he was psychotic; after a traumatic attempt he responded to treatment and we had a period of renewed love which I am so grateful for.

The reason for staying? Put simply he loved me and I loved him. I too was not going to abandon him in his time of illness which was considered late onset.

I acknowledge that we did have what are considered the traits that will see a marriage survive - already married at diagnosis, sick partner was treatment compliant and included spouse in treatment plan, was not controlling, had a strong faith and more.

Things did get better when I understood his disorder and we both worked on the lifestyle changes that helped not only him but myself too. He had a gentle strength and I am hoping some of his courage and tenacity have rubbed off onto me.

Well I guess @SJT63 if you know that you are never going to leave him and that this is your life now, you can go about structuring your future around that stand point.

I guess being a women who was raised in DV myself, even if that isn't what you are experiencing at all with your husband, but more a person with a MI that isn't getting much therapeutic benefits from meds, is that people walk away and you will become very socially isolated very fast. That's why I worry, I have lived it myself. I felt abandoned by everyone, but now I am older I do the same! We all have to keep safe to keep our health.

People do not put up with rage because it is human instinct to want to run to safety and escape danger. Where you feel sympathy for his biology you also have to extend that to everyone else's. Every one has their own problems and unless they love the person they don't stick around for that.

Even if Mr S didn't have a MI friends and family do get tired of on again off again relationships and you start to feel a bit used, like they only contact you when they want to complain about their miserable marriage but they never leave. If they then go onto to use other people romantically as an brief holiday resentment comes in and people don't respect them anymore, which is understandable.

As for your husbands suffering what you have described as rants and hours of explosions, it doesn't sound like he gets much therapeutic benefits from the anti-psychotics. Men do have a harder time with those symptoms than women, they are more severe for sure. I have PTSD so I have experienced that really bad in 2016/2017........I created so many habits now that it is so much more manageable and I want to create more. I have borrowed the book from the library Atomic Habits. Maybe there are still some lifestyle changes that your husband could make. Go off social media, no drugs and very little alcohol and exercise and good nutrition. It sounds like you have a property with plenty of space and even a garden so that is great. I come across as manic when I'm not sleeping but I have never experienced it, but I have had psychosis with delusions, hallucinations etc. it is so hard to cope with.

Has your husband applied for the NDIS? It could get him out of the house for a few hours a week with an exercise physioloigst or the like and give you a break and also reduce hospitalisations.

Give it a think if he doesn't have outside support already.

Corny

I have stayed a long time but I am broken and when I look at it I am in an abusive relationship and even though he is MI it is still abuse and I am nearing the end. I can not make him better and he has to want to try for himself. I can support but I can not do it for him. I have to factor in two young sons, 6 and 10, as they are so affected by all that goes on. Today he acknowledged their existence and played with them a little for the first time in I would say weeks. I actually do not remember when he last lifted our youngest up and made him laugh. They deserve this and I life where they feel they can be safe and express themselves and relax in their own home as do I.

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@Flurry0306 wrote:

I have stayed a long time but I am broken and when I look at it I am in an abusive relationship and even though he is MI it is still abuse and I am nearing the end. I can not make him better and he has to want to try for himself.

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Yeah it's hard, I have to say it is a hard road but abuse is abuse, reagrdless of their mental health, you/I/we don't deserve to be in an abusive relationship, no exception IMHO.

Do you have a therapist you talk to, just 1on1 for yourself?

@bipolarbunny @AussieRecharger @Shaz51 @Anastasia

hello my friends... after several weeks of a relatively normal life we are off and running again...

things got a bit rocky towards the end of last week when he told me he hated me because I didn't understand what his question was about the check-in app (he never goes out anyway) and tried to get back to my paid work while he was still ranting about it......

but he pulled himself together again later when I was obviously distressed and things seemed ok.... even to the point where he admitted his sex drive was a little more than most...

Then Monday it all went to hell in a handcart when he received another letter from his Body Corp about the state of the townhouse. Remember his place that he hasn't been back to since May of LAST YEAR when they cut down a tree? He's told me I have to handle it and I've told him I'm happy to handle it but I'm not happy to just yell at people and make demands on his behalf, that's not how I work.

So now he's losing it every 5 minutes again. Early this morning while being admonished about something I'd not done that he thought I should have, I (very quietly) suggested that is wasn't appropriate to speak to me as if I were a naughty child. He told me to grow up and stop acting like one and he wouldn't have to punish me.

FFS

I did not lose my temper. I kept on quietly getting ready for work and as I was leaving I reiterated that it was not appropriate for him to speak to me like that, because what it says to me is that he believes is in charge of this relationship and I'm supposed to do as I'm told. I left him glowering and have not heard from him during the day.

And this is how I always start out, calm and patient and not taking it to heart. I know if it keeps up for several weeks I will be a blubbering mess again.

@Shaz51 @Carlachris how to I keep in control when my anxiety levels are already escalating and we're only on day 3? "not engaging with the rage" only makes him angrier. At this stage, I'm going to see his pdoc with him on Friday and hoping to run through the various scenarios I've tried to short circuit the punishing rants, explain why they don't work and let the professional suggest something else.

Keep track of me please guys, so that I don't end up banging my head against the wall (which I did, literally, last weekend and it scared me to death).

thanks xoxoxo

@SJT63 I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this my friend. My heart really aches for you.

Sounds like Mr S's episodes/mania could be a bit out of control, either that or he's using his mania as a catalyst to act like a butthead.

I would say definitely a wise idea to talk to his Psychiatrist. I would suggest taking the time away from prying eyes, to write up a list of Mr S's recent behaviour and its effect on you as well. Take that with you as often it's hard to remember things to tell specialists in session, especially when things are so highly charged emotionally.

I can only speak from my experience but it's possible that Mr S needs to develop some more insight into his illness. If he is truly repentant of his behaviour when these episodes pass, perhaps suggest to him that it might be a good idea for the two of you together to sit down and explore his behaviour when things are out of control.

If you can mutually agree to explore and try certain strategies when he is well, there is more likelihood of him being able to control his rage when an episode hits.

Speaking as someone with bipolar who used to have those rage feelings constantly, for me gaining more insight into my illness and how it effects me has been crucial. Gaining more insight and accepting that side of myself has allowed me to really reflect inward and ask myself, okay how can I lessen the impact of these episodes on the people around me and myself. That's where the growth and healing starts.

As far as him acting out when he is raging and being worse when you don't engage him, try telling him calmly that you refuse to engage with him when he is being so hostile and then walk away. Keep telling him that, if calm doesn't work, be firm and confident and adamant that you will not engage with him when he is being disrespectful and hostile. Set a really strong non negotiable boundary and stick to it. And keep saying it over and over. Think of it as training his bipolar to recognise that you refuse to engage with it. When mania hits, it's hard to stay focused, but if you constantly repeat to him his behaviour is unacceptable eventually that message will get through. If it gives him pause to think, "gee yeah I'm being an a**hole" it will help him learn to control himself better.

When the episodes subside, that is the time to engage with him. The difficult part is to try not to blame him personally but place the blame squarely on the illness. And don't tip toe around calling it an illness, because he needs to realise he is sick and when he is sick his behaviour towards you is hurtful and distressing to you.

I cannot even imagine how difficult caring for Mr S can be. But I do know that there comes a point where as someone with bipolar, you have to take responsibility for your actions, bipolar driven or not. It is essential that you own your illness warts and all, and until you reach that point, sadly and unfairly the people you love seem to always be the battering rams.

I wish you well my friend. Sending you big hugs and support. xx

BB 🐰💙

@SJT63 This book was really helpful to me and has some great information that may be of use for you both.

the-bipolar-disorder-survival-guide