Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

@Carlachris

how are you? How is he?

any news?

@SJT63 i think I'm on holidays......it's so peaceful and ordinary....I honestly don't know what to do with myself. It's been 3 wks since hubby has been away and I am starting to feel improvements with him. But he's still not ready to come home still too unstable. It took 2.5 yrs of off his meds and a useless psychologist to get in the mess he was so it's not going to be a quick recovery. But seeing things like him recognizing how unwell he had become and accepting loads of help has been a huge step forward.
He is also deeply ashamed of his demanding, destructive behaviour unfortunately I can't help him with that . I don't blame him but the consequences need to be worked through with professional help. It's beyond me. I'm not his psychiatrist anymore. Thank God.
Its nice but strange going down the street with the dog to get milk and bread and I don't have this huge intense angry judgmental Aspergers man with me. I don't have to avoid shops or people or places because of his belligerence. People can smile and say hello and pat the dog and I don't have to quickly remove ourselves from the chaos that followed us. I'm starting to find me feet again. Myself. But boy I miss him. It's only with hindsight I can now say I wish I had of called the CATTeam earlier. But then things happen for a reason. I doubt there would have been a place for him and we have received a great deal of help. I am continually having to push for it but I'm not going to stop asking.
Hope you and yours are finding your way through the nightmare of Lockdowns and Covid stuff. We can only hope things lift before Christmas just like we did this time last year.
lots of hugs.

@Carlachris

I don't have this huge intense angry judgmental Aspergers man with me.

Oh that would indeed be a holiday. I'm just a teensy bit jealous. We went for our second covid shot last Thursday and I was reminded why I do all the errands and try really hard to prevent him leaving the house. He decided there were too many people in the waiting room and one of them wasn't wearing their mask properly (they actually weren't) but major tanty about being kept waiting (15 minutes) in such "dangerous" conditions. There is no covid where we live. So embarrassing.

He's manic right now, so only sleeping about 3 hours each night but all things considered he is keeping himself in check much better than he usually does. I'm reserving judgement at this stage.

Today I've got a bloke coming to chop down a tree, but we're too busy at work for me to stay home so I've left Mr S in charge. My phone has died this morning which may or may not be a blessing... He has ideas about some circuitous route he wants them to take to remove the debris so seeds don't fall near the compost and I can't be there to mediate. The last time I did this the plumber walked out with a job half done because of all the abuse. We shall see.

I am so very happy that there is now hope. Not just because he is getting treatment but because you are getting some much needed respite.

Hugs back at you x

@SJT63 Sounds more like mania. when we find ourselves juggling like you say that's a boundary too far. We become second, third, fourth down the line of being ourselves. That's where the brink of crisis is.
Everything you have said with Mr S is honestly what we went through. The constant judgements and suspiciousness,jealousy spiralling out of control, sex addiction, anger boarderline abuse emotional torment and everything else. I found the controlling of me the hardest to deal with and the hardest to recover from. I am very touchy now when talking to him.
I have had the gardener, the plumber the fence builder and handyman here doing everything we need hopefully before my husband comes home when he is able.
I'm not going to go back to the total isolation his MI put me in. I have never ever given my husband any reason to not trust me and in fact after what we have just been though quite the reverse. I am only after 4 wks starting to recover from the devastation MI ripped our lives apart.
I look back now and realise I should have asked for help much sooner. But I did think he was getting help from his psychologist of course and found out too late that he was not only useless but contributing to the MI by neglecting to take further action when he was out of his depth. I feel completely let down by what happened and came very close to having a breakdown myself.

I am trying to come to terms with the sex addiction side of thing at the momment. The Betrayal. I don't know how and am asking for help but so far can't find any. I recognise hyper sexuality and mania bi polar are very closely linked and an expression of the trauma angst and risk behaviour excellerated but where does that leave me? I still feel way to vulnerable to ever sleep with him again. It's a horrible feeling that I just want to go away but can't find my way through. It's been so degrading.
First of Spring today and always the optimist hope help comes from somewhere soon. Hubby feeling much better and becoming stable again. Me not so sure.

I hope the tree removal went ok.....I think not ....lol.... but that's just a sign that things are not good with Mr S. When daily function is an everyday misfunction as we know things become then I know....... I need to set stronger boundaries and act sooner than letting myself be bullied by MI.

that's what I am recognizing lately. MI is a bully and an emotional abuser. Once seen you cant unsee it.

All the best big hugs.

@Carlachris funnily enough the tree removal (horribly spikey weeds, not proper trees) went very well. They met his expectations; could have knocked me down with a feather. It's ok though, because he woke me up just before dawn pushing another barrow of displeasure about something else.

The thing about their control of us, well with my guy anyway, is that he has no idea he's doing it. It is my constant desire to short circuit any conflict that brings about modification of my own behaviour, not any real demand of his. We both know that when he's in full flight and telling me "you must" or "you can't" he doesn't really mean it; often can't even remember saying it. Its me that needs to filter his demands through this lens instead of readily piling them on board.

A couple of weeks ago we were getting ready to do the thing and I caught the cat and put it in a box. "What are you doing?" he asked.

Last time the cat scratched at the door and put him off his game so my instruction was that I had to catch the cat, put it in a box, and put the box in a room at the other end of the house each time in preparation. He had me in tears asking forgiveness for not thinking far enough ahead, and promising to make sure that was attended to each time, then the first time I started doing it he couldn't believe I'd taken him seriously.

That is me overthinking and taking it all at face value instead of analysing the mood in which the instruction was given. I'm getting better at ignoring the ridiculous, but when I've got no clothes on I always feel a bit more susceptable.

Also, I have read up a lot about what he has, but he hasn't researched anything so I'm gradually educating him. You and I have discussed their sex drive before. Mr S had no idea that his voracious appetite was a symptom. Once I sat him down and explained that, he has accepted that I can't keep up with his needs instead of thinking I don't love him any more if I miss a day.

I honestly don't think I'd mind if he went elsewhere sometimes, but he'd have to leave the house for that :). He stays up late watching cam girls and I have no problem with that. I only find it degrading if he's doing it on his phone when I'm in the bed trying to get to sleep and he hasn't done that in a long time. It is interesting how ashamed of himself (and therefore angry with me) he is the odd couple of times I've accidentally caught him - I've told him I get it, I know why he needs to and I don't have a problem - but perhaps the "guilty secret" is part of the buzz?

He's never jealous, thank goodness, but he is very judgemental (when manic) about the way I do things - or don't do things - which is not his normal personality. I am truly sorry that the physical side of your relationship is still a big barrier for you - I get it though. Maybe one day when all is back on track you will overcome that trauma. Now I don't have to do every day its gotten a lot easier for me, but I still fight the rising panic that if something goes even a tiny bit wrong it could lead to hours of conflict.

So my trauma response to the hypersexuality is different from yours. I am traumatised from having to fake it night after night to keep the peace - in my head using the R word, but knowing it can't really be that because I haven't said no. Given that I feel I have been violated many times over keeping up with him, I would have been thrilled if he played away and gave me a rest... now that we have an acceptable boundary (and i do make it well worth his while if I get a few days off in between) its not so unpleasant for me if I can stop overthinking all the possible ways it could go wrong. He is also working on not losing it if something does go wrong (like the cat scratching on the door) and is getting better at that.

He's pretty good right now, all things considered.

Your observations about MI are spot on. We let ourselves get bullied because sometimes it's just easier than staying strong when we're tired and it has been a sustained attack.

Enjoy your down time for as long as you can.

xoxo

Hey @SJT63,

I'm hearing that this ongoing situation with Mr S can be hard to navigate at times and it sounds like it's affected you quite a bit also, which is totally understandable. It's great to see that you and @Carlachris have been able to provide support to one another, but I'd also like to encourage you both to reach out for extra support if what either of you is experiencing starts to feel too distressing or especially if concerns arise around your safety. There's Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) or 1800Respect (1800 737 732) to name just a couple, or SANE's Helpcentre is also open from 10am-10pm Monday-Friday if you'd just like to speak to someone 1:1. non-urgently.

Please take good care,

TideisTurning 🌼

Thankyou @TideisTurning yes....it is so important to ask for help. I have been learning how to do just that. I now have a peer support, we have a case manager and social worker and a psychiatrist tag teaming the paranoia. I am included in all decisions with my husband actually insisting on it being that way..... it's such a massive process but I no longer feel manipulated and at the mercy of the devastation. Little by little day by day .....when you stay for the long haul....then that's what is involved.

Thankyou for your support. Every little bit helps.

@SJT63 @The manipulation can play out in so many ways. It's so different for everyone. I honestly hope you are ok. Myself as well.

I am learning to find my husband again under all the sadness. Back and stable on meds after 3 yrs is the start. The rest can come later.
For now I'm finding my own feet again. it's not easy. I've largely forgotten how.

The Cat box thing sounds complicated....but then living with MI is nothing but.
big hugs.

@TideisTurning thanks very much for your concern. My experiences with calling any help lines when I've been at my wits end has been that they give you the advice to leave. They counsel you as if that's your only alternative and provided support to do so.

That isn't really what I needed, so now himself and I are seeing his psychologist together once a month where I can be a little less guarded in what I say to him. He does get very upset and withdraw emotionally from the session if I say something he feels guilty or ashamed about, but at least I get to say it in a safe environment. She is fabulous at coming up with ways we might resolve issues - or prevent them happening - and at least I feel like we're making progress.

Things have been a hellava lot worse than they are now and, like @Carlachris I am starting to find my feet again.

x