Daily moodswings - how is it for you?

Hi Flower,

I'm no professional and I'm sure we are all different to a degree, but I would not say that it is normal to feel suicidal, desperate, hopeless and enraged on a typical day. That would be utterly exhausting, if not dangerous.

Can I ask why you do not take mood-stabilisers? Have you tried them and don't like them for some reason. Do you see a doctor or psychiatrist regularly?

I suffer from anxiety and I have had severe depression in the past. On a typical day, I experience some anxiety, but it is by no means overwhelming. I can usually shake it by taking a walk, doing some deep breathing, distracting myself with a task I enjoy or calling up a friend.

On a bad day, things can get quite a bit worse. I can have insomnia, racing thoughts, palpitations, a dry mouth, feelings of impending doom, poor appetite, be teary and very lonely. Fortunately, these days are few and far between now. And at least I know what the problem is and I know it will pass. My bad days are almost always caused by a negative experience in my life.

Flower, I hope you can get some help. You should not have to live your life at the mercy of these unwanted and uncontrolled mood swings. Please see you G.P. and tell them exacly what is going on.

I think you are doing really well to be able to keep working, considering what you are going through.

I hope you can write back and tell us how you are going.

Quote from Flower:
The more I read about bipolar, the more questions I have and this was just one like that. Over the past year I have found out so many things about myself that others don't experience and I was wondering if the mood swings are one of them. I never thought I had anxiety, but I was wrong there too. I can see that now. But it is difficult to know what is different as I cannot see in other people's heads and I cannot feel what they feel. If I had a clump foot I would know that my foot is different to others, but I cannot see that my brain works different to others and it feels pretty normal to be me, perhaps not always easy, but pretty normal? Not sure if that makes sense, but it is an interesting journey of discovering new things about myself and the world around me. I think I have developed a very thick protective layer around me.

Flower,

I can relate to what you have said above. I grew up having depression and anxiety from a young age and so I had no idea that my thoughts were not normal. I think at one stage my Mother even told me that what I was going through was a normal part of life, when I complained to her that I had so many scary, racing thoughts going through my head all the time! I was only 8 years old and teary and withdrawn. I really don't know how she could have brushed it off like that, but I guess people were less aware back then.

Having been through an episode of major depression as an adult and coming out on the other side, I now educate myself about depression and anxiety and the more I learn, the more my life makes sense to me. It is such a relief to know that this is an illness and that other people have it too.

Forums such as this one are a godsend for me, as I can read direct accounts of what others are feeling. No, we cannot get inside someone else's head, but through reading and understanding their words we can have a good idea about what they are feeling.

I grew up thinking there was something really wrong with me but there was nothing I could do about it. I was totally alone with my depression and anxiety, so I always hid it to the best of my ability. I became an expert at hiding and secrecy. (I should join ASIO - I would be their star recruit! )

Now I know there are so many things thast I can do to help myself and if I need expert help as well, then that is only a phone call away.

Hi @Former-Member.

I can definitely relate to much of what you have described. Allow me to elaborate...

As I've said before, I'm diagnosed bipolar type 2. I've never had a psychotic break or full-blown mania, but I do get periods of rapid cycling which sound very similar to what you described in your first post in this thread. My rapid cycling is usually triggered by very strong emotional upheaval, such as a major argument with a loved one.

When I rapid cycle, it usually lasts anywhere from a few days to about 3 weeks. It is absolutely exhausting! With absolutely no rhyme or reason, my moods and energy levels will leap about from severe depression-like feelings, to loss of all hope, to bawling my eyes out, to elation, to fits of laughter, to running around like an idiot with way too much energy burning around inside my body, and pretty well anywhere in between. My anxiety (I used to think I didn't suffer from anxiety either - hahaha - how wrong I was) can often spike too at various points during the day without any logic to it.

During rapid cycling, it's like I wake up each day not knowing what state I'm going to be in, or how long it is going to last. I can go through multiple mood states throughout the course of a day, up and down like a yo-yo.

It really does take it out of me. Irritability and uncharacteristic aggression also play their part, but nowhere nearly as bad as when I am suffering from what is known as a "mixed episode". These are the very worst states that I have ever experienced in my life. Thankfully, I have only had a handful of mixed eps. Basically, a mixed episode is depression and hypomania at the same time - it can also be called agitated depression or dysphoric (hypo)mania. Severe agitation and irritation results. It is almost impossible for me to deal with (especially as I am unmedicated). This is when suicidal ideation can rear its ugly head for me, and I must be extremely vigilant and careful.

From what I've been able to tell, my "normal" is a hypomanic high sitting at about 6 or 7 out of 10 (if that makes any sense to you). This is where I spend the majority of my time. Over the course of the past 4 years, I have had mild dips into depression (but nothing like the 6 month major depressions I used to have back when I was ignorant of my mental health issues and pushed myself too far during my highs). I have also had occasional rapid cycling episodes lasting a few weeks each time, and a few mixed episodes lasting up to a week each time.

For the most part, I can keep things on a relatively even keel, but that has taken prodigious effort and lots of learning on my part. At my worst, I need to rely on every single bit of coping mechanism and wellness strategy that I have been able to amass throughout my life just to survive...

@Former-Member, I really hope that things settle down for you. I believe that I have some small understanding of what you might me going through - it is absolutely exhausting not to have any foundation to stand on, to be constantly tossed around by moods and thoughts and energy levels changing and turbulent and chaotic all of the time.

Sending calming ommmmmmm vibes your way...

Flower wrote:

I think I learnt what was socially acceptable and how I had to behave to be able to succeed in life. But in the outside world I think I left my identity behind. People don't see the real me, my husband and kids do, my friend from childhood does. People love my enthusiasm and drive when I'm feeling well, but I retreat completely when I'm not well or boil over in anger. I push people away when I'm not well.

---

Hi Flower,

I also retreat when I am not well. Apart from my close friends and family, no-one knows that I suffer from anxiety and depression. Of my friends, all but one or two of them seem to think that my illness is a figment of my imagination, as I look and act normal to them. It's not that they accuse me of making it up - they are much more diplomatic than that! It's just that they sort of ignore anything they don't want to know about. They are experts at changing the subject.

My family are not a whole lot better... if ever I say I am struggling, they try to cheer me up with a nice lunch at the pub or a shopping trip. Sweet, but kind of missing the mark a bit, if you know what I mean.

It's funny, but my parents also stopped me watching anything scary on T.V. in order that I wouldn't have nightmares, just like yours did. To this day, I really hate horror movies and things like that and refuse to watch them.

Hi @Former-Member
Sounds Like me too. It's exhausting