Writing As A Form Of Therapy

Life while in hospital:

Three weeks have passed so quickly

I remember walking in so meekly

The staff were great

but they weren't my mate

I slept and cried a lot

Guess my body just needed to stop

I felt so safe and at peace

If only my life was at ease

So much talking about my mum

the trauma and what its done

i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed

and my body felt like it was robbed

I still fear of my life

I don't know what will be

But there's no choice in that

I am the one that needs to do it

I just wish I could let all this go

that's the hardest part of it all

It still tears me apart

just to think what's been done

I know one thing for sure

that I found while in there

that knitting calms me down

so maybe i need to go and sit down

This is not making sense at all

my memory is gone for sure

concentraton is just as bad

it's never been like this before

Welcome back @Silenus

I was thinking about you this morning and here you are

Fantastic

Decadian

Welcome back @Silenus. i hope they were very happy travels. Can you give us some highlights?

I'm sitting here at home alone

I feel a bit numb; it;s all gone

i don't know what's the point

i try to feel better

but it doesn't work

work is stressful again

i;m scared that i will crash again

with all this work that needs to be done

i wish i was home and just be a mum

These stupid negative thoughts i have

i wish they would go away and not stay

and then i got angry with my psych

and thought I'll show him

I'll do exactly what he told me not to do

why am i like this

i don't feel normal

i am so screwed up

but who cares anyway

the sky is dark

just like me

i feel like screaming

and smashing a few things

i feel like a little girl

that needs to cry

and let it all out

i want someone to hug me

can't even get that

so what's the point

it's hard every day

i don't know what i want anymore

i feel that my thoughts may take over

and maybe that is a good idea

for i don't know what to do

all i do is try, talk and try again

well i am sick of trying and talking

i think i need a big group hug

i need to feel someone's arms around me

i need to feel loved and a person

Hello, my lovelies...

Si is being a little writing-shy at the moment. Rest assured, peeps, I am fine. But I have a lot to process from my trip to Denmark, and it takes time to put Humpty Dumpty back together again, especially with these silly hooves I've got... hahaha...

All the King's horses, and all the King's men...

Couldn't put Humpty together again...

There's a reason for that - either Humpty wanted to stay broke, or Humpty didn't know that the only egg-person capable of putting Humpty back together again was Humpty...

I've come to this realisation, peeps - all this measurement and analysis, sometimes even this writing as a form of therapy, all these words, as our thoughts try to make sense of that most majestic and dramatic of things - the spark of our emotions... the wildfire of our emotions... as a bipolar person, I know full well the astounding strength, the breathtaking power, the chaotic rawness and unpredictability that emotions can have... I also know the infinite depths of wonder and joy that true Love and true Compassion can show...

But getting back to the point, think about it for a second...

Isn't that the whole point?

Thinking. Thought. Words in our heads.

Our brains are always thinking. Our minds, chattering away with that inner voice we have inside our head. If your mind is like my kooky noodle, there are multiple voices, often chattering all at once. It can get very chaotic and "busy"...

Or it used to be like that... now, I've found ways around it... I'm getting there, in another ambling Si ramble... hahaha...

Now, let us continue to explore these matters. I find them very interesting, and of particular importance to maintaining my sanity...

We have thoughts, and we have emotions. These are two very very different things. Our emotions - all the big ticket stuff, you know, like anger, fear, excitement, nervousness, sadness, guilt, regret, happiness, confusion... and then there's our thoughts... thoughts and emotions, side by side, each totally different from the other, each bouncing off each other and affecting each other...

Thoughts and emotions... a duality that makes up our own concept of "self". Who am I, if not the sum total of my parts? I am my thoughts and my emotions...

Thoughts are tricky... it's all about this concept of self that we project onto the world around us...

Then we must ask ourselves, who is this "self"? Who am I?

I am thoughts and emotions. Emotions are triggered right here, right now, often responding to what our inner thoughts are doing... I am happy... lalala... what a beautiful day... I don't have a care in the world... happy, happy happy... oh-oh, now the "self" of my thoughts brings up some un-asked-for memories of my dear departed mother... now, I'm not happy any more... now I'm sad...

Now, my thoughts have me captured. Then they start piling on layer after layer of rubbish... the guilt, the regrets, the shame, the "if only", the "what if"... chatter chatter chatter...

You even "feel" guilt, and you "feel" regret... are these truly emotions, or are they something that your thoughts are messing with (or inventing or over-inflating)? Perhaps a matter worth considering...

And in all that inner chaos and drama and noise, you've forgotten something...

What a beautiful day...

Sometimes, we can dig too much. We analyse. We measure. We poke and prod. We feel that there is something wrong with us, and we wish to be something other...

We go to see therapists (who themselves are deeply conflicted and conditioned fellow human beings)

Overthinking is a dangerous thing. It's what your thinking mind wants. It loves the company! All these thoughts, hurtling around, bouncing off each other...

Anyhoo... it takes incredible amounts of energy to face reality. Alas, what we humans tend to do is to project our own selves onto the basic reality that surrounds us. I call that basic reality the Really Real (and a guy called Krishnamurti calls it "what is")...

We observe, using our senses, our surroundings and the things that happen around us. Our brains collect this sensory information, and convert it to electrical impulses, which then enter the world of our thoughts...

Then, we start to project our selves onto the basic reality of the Really Real that our senses have shown us... our quick-fire snippets of thoughts are distracting us, and we notice only what we are conditioned to notice...

Look upon this rocky field... every person will see different things... some people won't even see the field...

We all project ourselves onto reality. Here is the same rocky field. I look for the quick flit of a lizard from rock to rock, admiring the hardy plants, some even flowering in adversity... the mining magnate would see some bothersome rocks to get out of the way, so that they can sell off the minerals beneath our feet and get more than more than enough money... hahaha...