Retraining our brains..

I hope you don't mind @Shaz51, I'd like to add something to what you wrote re negative thoughts;

'It is very hard NOT to put our input into our family members lives, even our brain can tell us negative things all the time'

You're so right. However, I see this as a learned response. It was for me being around such negative and dysfunctional people developing and growing up.

I wanted to change my thoughts into positive ones so the first step was to stay silent. Wow! Such a difficult option than contributing to conversations. Just listening isn't as easy as people might think, but interesting what you hear when you allow people to open up.

Then I opted to 'catch myself' thinking negative thoughts, (without judgement) not easy either as it's so ingrained in our psyche. It just went on from there; one step at a time, learning to be more positive as I progressed. I actually like myself now...who would'a thunk?

Please don't take this as criticism of what you said. On the contrary, I totally appreciate your views as I felt the same way most of my life.

I just felt that 'surviving' my family and MI meant I had to change, not expect them to or fight the norm.

@Hope4me Ahhh yes this is a topic close to my heart. My dear mother is a shocker like this. When I was a teenager and wanting to go to university she just came out and said " You are not as smart as you think you are". Charming.... Years later I went to university and she was like 'It is about time you used that good brain of yours". *Sigh* that is my mother for you.

Now I don't know what I will do with this 'good brain of mine' I will have to wait and see what is around the corner but I will be making my decisions on my terms and not on what my mother dictates to me.

BTW good luck @Hope4me I am sure you will be a huge success 🙂 xx

@Hope4me. Re-map because we keep travelling down the same roads. Sometimes we need to take a new road. Re-mapping.

You know what @LadyleahRDBloom, you shine! It's people like you I wanted to reach out to. I'm so glad you've posted; thankyou for your input..

Responding to conflict positively is like becoming good at algebra. Once it clicks, you take it from there. People don't like to be put in their place. If you turn it around though and let them know how it makes you feel, sometimes the penny drops for them.

I walked out on my mum's berating and didn't contact her for nearly two weeks. She finally sms'd me like nothing had happened. I told her I didn't want to talk until she apologised as her comments hurt me deeply. "Why would I put myself through that again?" I said. After some tooing and froing and sticking to my guns, I near fell off my chair when she said sorry!

Conversations can be so much like a game of tennis, though winning shouldn't be the desired outcome. It's more about the quality of each shot to ensure the other person has an opportunity to hit the ball back, and be glad they did.

This communication style allows for a 'flow-on' effect. Back and forth so both enjoy the limelight for a few moments to speak their peace. With people like you mention, sometimes it's best to walk away because you're blocked no matter what you try.

Being an 'interested communicator' is the key to this flow-on effect. Yes, we have things to say, but being as interested in 'their' words as much as your own is the key.

Sorry I missed your post @TAB; thankyou for your thoughts.

Yes, it's ok if you have an idea, but woe-be-tide you if you need something from those same people who're saying; "Hey, go for it if it's what you want"

Have you done anything since re your idea?

Hey @Bunniekins, good to see you contributing here.

Your mother and mine must be made of similar stuff. lol Yep, know the scenario well I'm afraid.

It seems they can't just be happy for you or pat you on the back, there has to be that last comment to ruin your day, or confuse the life out of you. "What the...?"

Thank baby Jesus we don't need their validation anymore. Thankyou for your well wishes; back atcha ten fold! xo

Ah yes @utopia; flogging the dead horse! Thanks for that, it's a great way of expressing things.

I've got to take off now peeps, but I do hope the conversation keeps going. Be back later on...

Hope xo

@Hope4me:)xxx

Thank you so much!!! XXXX OOO

I'd like to mention a conversation with a friend I had about Tom Cruise. I'm a huge fan of his and I've been using some of his ideas to help me with my anxiety and retail training techiniques.

EG

Don't cause conflict. Talk it out. Don't argue. Talking it out means no name calling. No berating. Just saying "I feel" , "This hurts me" , "I need" Arguing is belittling and hurting. We sometimes confuse arguing as a negative,. I had to "present" arguments when I was studying english lit. That's not stamping your foot and yelling "You're wrong and I'm right" a solid argument is being calm and presenting your pov and facts. Being open minded.

My friend said.

"But how can you still like him? He's a a--e and into that cult.

Ok. Beware of triggers. Admin please bear with.

I have friends from many walks of life. I do not judge them. I try "TRY" to see everything in shades of grey so I can be fair to everyone.

I know nothing about scientology therefore none of my business and I have no right to ridicule anyone for it.

Secondly, I am a novice empath and a practising grey Witch. Being grey means I can appreciate the sweet and the sour. Vanilla sky pun right there.

"Ok." said my friend. "But what about the kid thing. That's horrible"

"Tom cruise's personal life has nothing to do with me. Also. We only see what the media shows us. Who knows what happens behind closed doors. How about, when you read something negative, picture three to six different scenarios and consider the most likelly. The most likely here, I think is, it's none of the media's business and he's protecting his children by concealing his interactions as best he can,"

I could be wrong. But I'm going by instinct and when I am calm. My instincts are good.

My friend and I left the discussion there.

Sure I'll judge, I'm a scorpio. We are born judgey. The point is to try to be a human being and not punish onesself. Retraining is hard but it's a great skill a real eye opener.

Hi @Hope4me Ive had so many ideas over my life, can only think of a few that came to anything, like an adult apprenticeship, going to uni etc, but never really followed through after that. Ok maybe those ideas worked because i wanted help from the government not family. The one I was thinking of when replying was a vague idea at the time of family buying me a piece of equipment and somehow that would become a business, well it had for other people, but in hindsight I'm glad they didnt agree to it. Families are a strange beast, yes, they did lend me money when i was flat broke a couple of times then expressed surprise that it was paid back so quickly. Makes me think of that never a borrower or a lender be proverb or that one about money doesnt mix . Anyway, they are on their own plane. Perhaps there are other ways of pursuing or modifying the idea? or just keep thinking of other ones?