New to bipolar

Hi @Silenus

Thank you so much for your detailed reply about how to tell my loved ones.

I think my husband is just scared, the same as me. We have been with eachother all our adult life and we both agree that we love our current (before depression) life style and I think with any diagnosis, whether it is bipolar, MS... it will take time to adjust. Both my GP and psychiatrist have invited him to sessions, which he has so far refused. I don't think it helps that I am not really honest with him about how I feel. Nor did I marry him for his communication skills 😉 But I do think that our love will be strong enough, for him to go to the psychiatrist with me eventually.

@Silenus you are living with a partner, right? How do you "live" with eachother? I am still trying to figure out in myself what will happen with my life if this illness is here to stay. I also think that if bipolar is really the right diagnosis I have been like that all my life. So all that would have changed is that my depression has hit a massive low and I feel like I cannot cope with my daily work/life load. I am sorry but I am getting confused now, so I don't know what else to write here. Do you know the drawings of MC Escher? That's what my brain feels like - like the "Ascending and descending" or any other artwork he created with never ending loops.

If I have always been like this - nothing has changed, right? Perhaps I'm just getting old, that the cycling is taking more out of my energy? Perhaps it is all that digging in the past that makes it worse? Perhaps it is the labelling that makes me self conscious? I did not know what hypo mania was, nor that mania existed (and I think I had at least one episode in my late teens), I did not know about anxiety - I only learnt lately that I am actually pretty anxious... @Silenus you live without medication, correct? Do you live without professional support? Perhaps all that over analysing is driving me nuts.

Wow @Former-Member... lots to think about (and lots to write). I hope you don't mind that this is going to be one of my trademark long posts... hahaha...

Firstly, I would like to offer my thoughts on bipolar, in answer to your questions about whether or not you have always been like this. As always, my answers are based on my own experiences only.

I believe that I have always been like this. I have always had the wild mood swings, the tendency to overthink, the extended dips into depression, and the elevated energy and wildness of my hypomanic highs. I don't think anything has fundamentally changed when I received my diagnoses. My awareness of it all has changed greatly (and I believe that this is a very good thing), but the underlying "me" has not fundamentally changed at all.

I was always going to be genetically predisposed to depression (there's a lot of it in my family, undiagnosed). I suspect my uncle was bipolar. My mother suffered greatly from years of undiagnosed depression and alcoholism. There's a sad and sorry thread of alcoholism and other substance abuse in my family. These things are the genetic ticking timebombs that exist within the spirals of my DNA. All they needed to be "activated" were a few majorly traumatic life events. This happened at the age of 8, when I suffered the major trauma of relocation from Denmark to Australia. The loss of my immediate and extended family (except for mum and dad, who I kind of lost as well, because they were too busy building a new life in a new country), the loss of all of my friends, and the trauma of years of extensive and brutal bullying in a rough school in a rough suburb, well, I can tell you that my bipolar kicked in at that tender age of 8 years old...

So, long-winded answer - I have always been like this. It is the major traumas and triggers past and present (which I have now worked hard to identify) that bring on the harmful aspects of my bipolar (too high or too low, mixed episodes, rapid cycling).

You bring up the question of whether you are now too self conscious and perhaps over analysing. I believe that it is natural to go through a period of this, as we adjust to the revelations about our mental health issues. I would go further, and suggest that this preoccupation is an important part of coming to grips with things, and learning to identify triggers and patterns and how to live better with them. Certainly in my case, the preoccupation passed after a time (it's a steep learning curve, but it does get easier in time).

What happened with me when I was diagnosed, first with depression and then a while later with bipolar, is that I became preoccupied with learning as much as possible about those particular mental health issues. I joined the BlueBoard forum and learnt from fellow "sufferers", I sought out psychologists at various times for talk therapy sessions when needed, I read books and research papers. As well as this, I dove deeply into myself again and again, and I wrote obsessively as I tried to come to grips with what bipolar and depression (and as I later found out, the comorbid conditions of anxiety and ObSeSsIvE cOmPuLsIvE dIsOrDeR) were actually all about for me, inside my own thoughts and moods and actions and urges and behaviour patterns and world views and triggers.

Now, I have calmed down a lot more. The journey has taken me about 3 or 4 years from diagnosis to relative "normality" where I reside now. Having said that, I would not say that I am "cured" or have "snapped out of it" or have overcome my bipolar. It is with me for life. I still suffer greatly when like Icarus I fly too close to the sun, when my internal nuclear reactor goes into meltdown, when my emotions swing wildly, when the internal negative self-talk voices shout at me with self-hatred and self-doubt, when I feel the deadness of depression inside, and most especially when I rapid cycle or have a mixed episode.

But I am getting better at living with it. Through large and small changes in my life and lifestyle, and through modifications to my world view and life philosophies, and most especially through the growing awareness and insight into this odd thing that is me, I am managing to live and even thrive despite of the turmoil that exists within.

@Former-Member - you ask about medication. I have never been medicated for my depression or bipolar. If I needed it, though, I would definitely consider it. Everyone is different. I have been lucky to "dodge the bullet", and thus far have managed to survive without medication.

I do not currently see a psych or even a GP. I manage to remain balanced enough to function by virtue of self-analysis and self-therapy, meditation and Mindfulness. There are times though when this is not enough, and I seek the help of a therapist or psychologist in talk therapy.

You ask whether I am living with a partner. Yes. My lovely partner and I have been together for a few years now. We manage to navigate the difficulties of bipolar through lots of open communication. I tell her when I am struggling, or I keep it internal (and find ways of constructively channeling the energies or frustrations) so that it does not all spill out and affect her detrimentally. We both have a failed marriage under our belt, and have learned much from them.

One very important thing about how I approach living with bipolar is this: there is a big difference between what goes on inside my head, and what leaks out and goes on outside my head. Over the years, I have worked hard to stop or control the drama and overreactions and kneejerk responses that I used to approach the world with. I have done much to calm myself down, if not on the inside, at least on the outside. I believe that this has made me an easier person to live with.

It's not easy. But this process of self evolution and analysis is something that I am deeply committed to. Finding the balance is perhaps the difficult part. Being over-critical, and over-analysing myself, can lead to depression. The balance is key. Acceptance, meditation, Mindfulness, all of these things help to keep me from being a slave to the bipolar storm that often rages inside me.

I hope some of my ramblings have helped you @Former-Member. Everybody is different. We must each find our own unique way to navigate through our lives. I believe that you are travelling along very well - struggling, sure, but you have great awareness and emotional intelligence, from what I have read of your posts. This is a wonderful advantage, and will stand you in very good stead.

Hugs and happy vibes beaming to you. 🙂

I second what Si has said about the post-diagnosis phase... I'm still in it, nearly two years after diagnosis. I am still struggling to understand what it means for me, still wrestling intellectually with it to find ways to be a better me, still a long way from acceptance. I find it still dominates much of my thinking and colours the way I experience life. Before diagnosis I think I was more content, more accepting of my state - since I didn't know there was anything "abnormal" about me I had just learnt to live within my limitations and find what contentment I could. With a label of dysfunction, I started to hope that maybe whatever was wrong with me might have a cure - maybe I could be better, or if not completely better, improved.

Fast forward two years and I have learnt much about my condition. Knowledge has brought me some level of comfort - it has helped me understand why I am the way I am, and relieved a significant amount of the burden of guilt, shame and self-loathing I felt because I was powerless to change myself. I now understand this to be a product of my condition, and that provides a level of genuine comfort - even if not a lot has changed, I somehow feel less blameworthy or inadequate for my self-perceived deficiencies.

However, I have only made tiny steps towards improvement. While these are good, I find that I am now much more conscious of my mood and mental state, and have to work hard not to fixate on it. The upside is that I recognise when I am moving into a more negative, darker headspace through fatigue, stress, or other trigger, and can take steps to head it off - get more sleep, deal more productively with the stressors, etc. I frequently wonder to what degree the way I feel now is shaped by my belief in/knowledge of my depression... medical patients can often fall into the "sick role" and I suspect it is probably true for us as well. We cannot somehow "unknow" our diagnosis though, so it is hard to distinguish between self-induced magnification of symptoms and simple increased awareness.

I have also frequently wondered whether I would rather go back to not knowing, and I don't have a definitive answer. For the most part I think I am better off knowing my diagnosis; I just have to moderate my expectations about what it actually means in practice. I'm starting to think about it more in terms of a chronic disease, in which the focus is on management and maximising quality of life rather than cure per se, and I think that's helpful.

So all of this was pretty much about me - but in the end that's all I can talk about authoritatively; your situation is unique to you, so I hope something in my ramblings is helpful to you or gives you a different slant with which to think about your own situation. I don't have BPAD so I can only imagine what elevations must be like... depression on the other hand I'm very familiar with. Even that though has so many variations for different people that it can mean very different things to each of us. Your experience is unique and valid, so whatever you are experiencing is real and legitimate. Don't feel afraid of the diagnosis or its implications - treat it as empowerment to understand and deal with the way you are, as a means to make the most of what you have.

Hello @Former-Member, @BeeGee, @Silenus, @mrkotter, @MoonGal

Hi @Former-Member

I know what you mean , I am full of questions too , but when the Doctors say that My husband might have Bipolar

I am asking WHat has he got really --- which one has he got ,

@Former-Member, @Silenus and @BeeGee

What a great discussion this is, thanks for sharing all your insight, experience strength and hope.

I was diagnosed nearly two years ago with Bipolar II (although I was manic, not just hypo-manic in my 20's but that was most likely to the speed addiction). I also live with anxiety, PTSD and OCD.

I have maintained a loving, supportive and strong relationship with my life partner for 24 years this year. Fundamentally the diagnoses did not change who I am - who I am has always been there, ups, downs, merry go rounds, pits of despair, flying creative highs... etc ever since my teens.

I met my current partner in my early 30's and was just 'settling down' getting sober and clean for the first time when we met. I stayed sober for 11 years then went on a 10 year heavy use/abuse on again off again roller coaster and my partner stuck with me to the grisly end of that, I have been sober for 5 years this May.

If we can maintain relationships BEFORE a diagnosis, we can maintain a relationship AFTER diagnosis because apart from the introduction of perhaps more self awareness about what is happening, and perhaps the needed time to adjust to medications - we are the same people, loving, freaky, erratic, strong, consistent, eccentric - all over the shop, loving, empathetic, selfish, self-centred, funny, sad, deeply depressed, all of it the whole pckage of life as us. Our partners loved us before the diagnoses, our partners have adjusted themselves to us for years and remember that we have adjusted ourselves to our partner's too - everyone struggles, has foibles and needs love and understanding and forebearance, that is what love is forebearing, kind, and at times tough going.

While you go through the time of figuring out what it means to have been diagnosed with something that was there for ages, but now has a name - be gentle with yourself, we have a sudden onset case of terminal uniquness at that point - because in our soceity so few people really know (including us) what it means to BE "Bi Polar" us included. I really like the old term manic-depressive because that explains it without having to invoke melting ice and climate change.

A relationahsip is a two way street, our relationship with our partners is unique it isn't and will never be anyone else's ideal. The very best thing we (my partner and I) have learned is always be on each other's side, even when the other one isn't being on our or their own side. Love is an act of the will.

This period of adjusting to a diagnosis and medication is a whole new ball game and it feels like we were the baseball and have been hit out of the park, eh? BUT! We are still ourselves and returning to those things we love, our values, our interests, our favourite scents, favourite places, favourite tastes etc as we can, as often as we can helps centre us back into our being. These things are at the centre of us and no diagnoses changes that.

We are who we are.

Thank you @MoonGal

Thank you @MoonGal, @Former-Member, @BeeGee, @Silenus, @mrkotter for all your insights and information , very helpful

and would like to hear more from time to time

Thank you @Silenus, @BeeGee, @MoonGal, @Shaz51, @mrkotter,

Thank you so much for taking the time to let me know more about your lives with mental illness and how you have come to terms with the diagnosis. This is so immensely important for me, I cannot thank you enough. You give me hope and understanding.

This will be a long post too

@Silenus, I can see parallels between your history and mine. There is mental illness in my family and I am like my Dad – I am the spitting image in character and he knew “how to handle me” – mostly in a nice way. He knew how to calm me, to let me rest beside him, to comfort me when I was low, to gently reign in my rage and (hypo)manic episodes. I can also see parallels to his rage and energetic phases, to retreating in middle age, where the world just became overwhelming. Unfortunately my Dad died in his early 50s so I cannot discuss this with him and he was never diagnosed.

I think there are some hidden traumatic events in very early childhood, before the age of 5, which I only remember glimpses of – terrifying and debilitating glimpses, I am not sure whether they were really terrible things that happened or if it just seemed terrible to me when I was so small and could not understand – I am not sure if I want to know. Then there are various traumatic events through childhood, my teenage years and early adulthood – my first diagnosis was PTSD, and when I share glimpses of my life story with my psychs the first time, they are surprised I made it this far. They probably say that to everybody to make them feel better and make them feel that they are strong people.

I am glad you mention that the pre-occupation passes with time and that it is important. I do try to learn as much as I can about my illness and I now have a psychologist and psychiatrist that actually have experience in trauma treatment and bipolar. I am not prepared to give up my life to an illness – I have been like Icarus too and I just have to learn how close I can fly to the sun.

@Silenus May I ask you about meditation and mindfulness? How did you start to implement this in your daily life? I try to meditate, but when I am low I don’t want to see the pictures that pop up in meditation.

@Silenus and @MoonGal – so happy to hear your responses about your partners. Surely my husband will be able to put up with me after a diagnosis and with therapy, if he managed to live with me for a couple of decades already

@BeeGee it is hard for me too to live with a label of dysfunction and I am only at the very beginning of the journey to understand this is me, this is who I always have been and there is no cure. I have always wondered why people could not just be more tolerant towards me. I think falling in the “sick role” is even easier with mental illness, especially as I find the process of finding a diagnosis, medication, the right care team... extremely tiring and frustrating on top of feeling bad in the first place. My most asked question in therapy is – so that’s not normal? A dangerous question to answer.

I think I have been (hypo)manic most of my life with short bouts of depression, but it all came to a crushing halt about two years ago when I got a physical injury and my life changed. Since then I’ve been sliding deeper and deeper.

@MoonGal, I just loved your post describing the kind of people we are. Yes, it is all over the shop but it is who we are. I try to be gentle and kind to myself – it actually took me a long time to understand what that meant. I always looked pretty blank when my therapist said that to me. I think the diagnosis is so difficult at the moment, as it comes during a long period of deep depression – I have never felt so low in my life for such a long time and at times my reasons to live have become very blurry.

I feel so much more positive reading and re-reading your posts. I am so glad I found this forum and found people who understand and are so willing to share their experience with me.

Big hugs to all x

Good morning @Former-Member 🙂

Regarding Mindfulness meditation, I might start a new thread about it here. I would love to get other people's perspectives and experiences of it, collected in one place...

Warm hugs beaming to you. 🙂

@Silenus

"We are not mentally ill. We are merely on the edge of the human experience."

I love this statement and agree. Everything in my life just seems to be so much more extreme or intense.

I am so angry my head hurts and I wonder why I should have to change or comply with society.