Topic Tuesday // Tues, 26 April, 7pm AEST // Grief

Since my mother passed away last May I have been the sole carer for my unmedicated schizophrenic brother who continues to live in the family home. The will has made provision for this and my brother lives the same way he has for the past thirty years. However, I am a little concerned as he appears to be more and more reclusive, drinking more alcohol and eating less and less food. Whereas he used to eat my mother's cooking he wont touch anything I prepare. He is not very co-operative so its not as if I can talk to him. If you enter a room he quickly moves away swearing and muttering under his breath, Its hard to gauge the impact my mother's death has had on him and he didnt attend the funeral. I think his main concern was about the family home when he asked about the will. I welcome any strategy or suggestion for what I might do to reduce his seclusion. He wont answer the phone but does watch youtube clips etc on our smart TV, Perhaps i should buy him an Ipad for example?

I feel for you. This can't be an easy situation. The ipad might be a good idea and then you can share imessages with him. Maybe even find some funny youtube clips of your own to send a link to and drop a line just to say hi. I find whatsapp is also good for keeping in touch without being too instusive or requiring too much effort from the other party. Might be a way to open the channels of communication yet doesn't require too much interpersonal comms which he seems to find hard. Good luck.

Welcome to the Forums @presence Thanks for jumping in with your support and suggestions for @Fatima! We look forward to 'seeing' more of you around the Forums.

@Fatima caring for your brother sounds very challenging indeed. I hope you hear some more potentially useful strategies during tonight's Topic Tuesday.

Take care,

Shimmer

Hi everybody! Tonight in the carers forum we are gathering to look at managing loss and the myths of grief. As carers, grief and loss can surface in many ways and for different reasons, so I am sure this will be an insightful and informative night for us all.

A big hello to all those who wanted to join the conversation tonight -

@Luck, @TeeJay, @purpleknits, @cat17, @Jasper, @Angela, @KS1972, @Maz, @Becstars, @April30, @Cleo, @WoundedHealer, @Vdub, @Nev, @Beck, @Cazzie, @Shaz51, @Attahua, @Former-Member and @Swish and to anyone else who wanted to jump in to the conversation this evening, please know you are welcome here. 🙂

We are lucky enough to have not one but TWO guests with us this evening. A warm welcome to @awe and @And-016 from The Compassionate Friends Victoria. 🙂 These guys will be around tonight to answer your grief questions, and share some of their own personal experience and wisdom with us.

We also encourage everyone to be bold and ask any questions you might be wondering about, and share from your own experience, so that we can learn and grow from each other.

@awe and @And-016, perhaps we could kick things off with a brief introduction about yourselves and your own walk with grief, and how you eventually came to serve at The Compassionate Friends Victoria.

For me, when it comes to personal experiences of loss, I primarily reference the unexpected death of my brother in 1993. It was a devastating experience, but in retrospect there was a broad range of additional grief experiences that I didn't even recognise at the time. For instance, I experienced grief over the loss of the dream of a continued relationship with my brother; there was also grief about a new type of life being harshly thrust upon me and other family members; and there was grief over my newfound inability to concentrate in the face of this undesired life change. And for my parents, sister and me, it was often a daunting prospect to care for one another's wellbeing when our own personal resources were at such a low. How can we live meaningfully in the face of a series of dashed hopes? How can we support each other and say the right thing? How do we support ourselves? These questions have led to my own investigations - via the world of academia and the world of peer support services - into this difficult and challenging (but also hopeful and potentially growth-inspiring) realm.

Hi. My son Max died 7 years ago (2009) at the age of 26. The only reason my wife and I got through the first few years was because we were lucky enough to be able to support each other well and because we found quite good support from a few friends and family. One of our friends told us about The Compassionate Friends. My wife telephoned them and I saw such a look of calmness come over her that I felt comforted by them too. Later we both helped at The Compassionate Friends as volunteers and we found this gave us a sense of meaning. We attended support groups and found great empathy that we couldn’t find elsewhere. I began representing The Compassionate Friends talking to outside groups about the work we do and explaining grief and loss. I had to learn about grief and I found this helped me understand my own grief. I didn’t have much energy for work after Max died and I retired 3 years ago. Six months ago The Compassionate Friends employed me as “Education Officer” and this has more meaning for me than my original job. Gradually I’m working out a new normal for my life. I look back with gratitude at the support, information and activity that has helped me so much.

Hello @Former-Member, @NikNik, @awe, @And-016, @Shimmer

Good evening!

I think the topic tonight is a great one to explore. For me, the grief that comes with a diagnosis is tremendous because in some respects, some of our dreams die with that diagnosis. Things like how we thought it would all 'pan out' our hopes, how we thought we would be and what we would achieve. Those dreams are as individual as they are as a couple or even as a family. There is a loss there that I don't think is really acknowledged and I think it's something that is screamed in silence. It does take a while to adjust. I don't know if we ever really get over grief, but for me, it's about adapting, changing and holding those ideas and feelings with the knowledge that I have the choice.....and it's okay not to be okay sometimes :$