Trying to be happy, isn’t working

Dear @outlander

thanks for hearing. I don’t need lots of words but I think I need to speak of how I am feeling right now.

I have been up and a lot down. All over the show. I feel life no longer has much point. The daily routines just bore me stupid and, completing them exhausts me. I seem to exist with almost constant SI. I can’t control it. How does one find joy when the joyful parts of life are over? Youth had so much promise and hope. And opportunities for change just because you felt like it. Now at nearly 70 I feel all that joy is over. I love my grown children and grandchildren but that is not enough I have never been that sort of person. My career is over and I had seen myself working forever.

I cant afford clothes let alone nice ones I don’t go out. I am afraid all the time my anxiety is terrifying and freezes me. I have no partner not that I particularly want one, but I see the comfort long term relationships provide. I don’t even live in the home I worked for for so many years I could not afford to stay there after I lost my job. I seem chronically sad

depression has been part of my life since my early twenties but I. Youth I managed it. Then I had my husband, children career, now I feel retirement is just some sort of living death.

Hi @Eve7 @Appleblossom @Shaz51 and anyone else who drops by

peri

Im so sorry @Peri I wish there was something I could do to help but I am hearing you tonight.

💙💙💙

It sounds like you're having a rough time @Peri - it also sounds like you have managed your depression in the past which is your strength, perhaps. It's good to see that you are using the forums for support and reaching out to others in this safe space.

@Peri

Sharing about the sadness sometimes helps us shift it a little. Different personalities seem to struggle with it in a range of ways. You probably know I try to be philosophical about things, because if I dwell on my sadness or grief it can spiral out of control. It is one of my coping mechanisms.

Just saying hello. My family is not what it should or could be, and I am often at a loose end, but somehow I always come up with projects. Other times I feel I could stare into space forever. I move between the two. Meditative and active.

You have not spoken much about your career. What did you do? What were your interests? I only turned 60 this year, so a little younger, but can offer some company.

Hugs Apple

Dear @outlander ,

we may be very different in age , but that is no barrier to shared experience, friendship,or relating.

I too used to enjoy many things and had strong friendships. I have to learn how to enjoy those things again and to renew my friendships.

You must take strength in your youth . Youth is a gift do not let it be dominated by depression and anxiety. One small thing each day can be enough to lift you a bit.

you are not alone either I will look out for you.

you have suggested some really great ideas and I shall look out for them

I like to read a lot and to knit and bake.

Thank you for your time

peri

Dear @Appleblossom ,,

thank you for responding. You have offered me interesting insights. I try to be philosophical too and not to dwell on sadness or depression. But events over recent years seem to have left me in a situation where I feel I have no control of my life. So I have to find ways to get back in charge of my life.

my career was nursing . But for many years I had been in education and then senior management in a teaching hospital here. I loved my work and what we achieved for the patients. A few years ago there were major changes above me and I was , not sacked , but told to leave my office and not return. After several months I took a redundancy. It shattered me. I loved my work and saw myself as still working for years. It caused many changes and I ended up losing significantly and also had to sell my home .

I loved to read , I knit and I love my family. But my eldest son lives in the UK with his wife and children , I used to see him a lot , but travel is out now. I miss him every much.

Life without my work seems a bit pointless, so I am having to find new purpose , but my resilience has seemed to have left me.

i really appreciate you talking to me

peri

Dear @Peri

Family and Work are probably the biggest real motivators in life, as I understand it anyway. So it makes sense to feel at a loss. So many older and retired people I know still want to keep productive for as long as possible. There are articles about the difficulties for older women, and I am gradually developing a sense of community. I am not sure what is around you. But work in a teaching hospital would have been very satisfying and meaningful. Keep faith with yourself, and I hope some opportunities interest you, maybe using some of your skills without the pressures of career.

I love reading. What do you like to read?

Dear @Appleblossom @outlander ,

i am sorry I have not replied sooner, I have been really finding life very uncomfortable and hard work. I still have almost ever present SI and am tired by it. I struggle for moments of joy

it is late Sunday morning here and I am back in bed drinking coffee after looking after my little granddaughter for the morning.

I am thinking of going back to work, just part time to have a bit extra money. I hate struggling to find enough to get by.

i shall tackle the floors and the ironing today and then knit this evening.

I like to read all sort of books Appleblossom.but I like to read what woukd often be referred to as “literature”. I like modern authors and the classics, I was brought up on the classics as my mother was and English teacher and one of the first women to graduate with a masters in literature here. I can really lose myself in stories. Sometimes I read just anything, for an escape from reality.

Dear @Peri 🤗💖

I do apologise for not visiting you here in such a long time. Its not that I dont think of you often, because I do ... a lot. But somehow I just never seem able to make the effort to 'do the rounds'. LIfe gets in the way I guess.

I am sorry to hear that life continues to be uncomfortable for you and damned hard work. The constant SI is a major drain on inner resources as well, so its little wonder you find life difficult at present.

I'm so pleased that you are once again considering returning to work on a part time basis. From all that you have discussed in the past .. I think work is a positive thing for you. So well done on making this decision. I think most of us could use a little extra money, so that will be a bonus. But I suggest not the main benefit, which will be a sense of purpose and a sense of achievement. Something you have probably been missing since you finished working some time back. What do you need to do in order to make this happen? Will you need to do any refresher courses or anything?

I actually thought of you early this morning @Peri . My Father In Law died at 5am this morning (my time). He has been in a Perth nursing home for about 5 years, and was 94 years old. My husband and I last saw him when we were in Perth this time last year. We were to see him again when we were meant to attend my nieces wedding in March this year. But that trip was cancelled at the last minute due to the closing of borders with COVID outbreak. So we never got to see him this year, and I am cursing COVID for that. And now we will not be able to attend his funeral either ... NSW residents still need to self isolate 14 days upon arrival in WA, which rules us out. And right now, so soon after my surgery, I am not feeling up to going anyway. And hubby has been quite unwell with his Parkinsons and Adrenal Failure issues this past week or two. So we wont be able to attend his funeral. Feeling really sad about that. In fact I am really sad in general ... there have been lots of tears today. He was a nice man, and I will miss our weekly talks.

Ahh you mother was quite a pioneer then. How lovely. I also read all sorts of books. Used to be a very avid reader as a kid, then as an adult when I found the time. These days I dont seem to have enough time. Silly really, I used to find time when I was working full time. I must MAKE the time to read more I think. Something on my must do list.

Always good to see you Peri, and I thank you for the ongoing support you have provided to me on my thread lately, around my cancer diagnosis and surgery. I hope your little granddaughter is well. And your furbabies happy and healthy too.

Hi also to other recent contributors here @Appleblossom @outlander @Eve7 @Former-Member @Shaz51

Emelia 🌸