Life after attempting suicide

I’m struggling. A lot of anger.

I’m struggling. A lot of anger.

@Hope4me @Twerp @Former-Member

How are you?

I’m keeping my head above water, but I don’t think I’ve really thought about what happened and what I need to do different. I feel very alone as my partner doesn’t talk about it and my care team are all on leave. I just don’t think I can handle it on my own. I don’t know what will be different. I’m trying to make plans for next year but then I get overwhelmed and scared.

Hey @Former-Member

Why do you feel you need to do things differently? Your journey isn't an overnight success hun. You seem to be doing all the right things so please know that one day your mind will ease up.

Finding value in small things 'now' as opposed to making future plans is easier on your mind. Some people have a Gratitude Journal to write things down each day

.

For instance; my son and I have a tenuous relationship due to his anger issues, so when he's in a good mood and speaks to me nicely, I'm over the moon. I don't dwell on the next time we meet or past problems; I'm truly thankful for that conversation.

Something I said to myself when I was having an episode was; "This too shall pass". It's a promise to myself that if I'm patient and can get through today, tomorrow is a chance at peace. Eventually it came, so it did pass. And it will for you too...

Hope xo

Thank you for your message @Hope4me

i think I need to change because I feel like I’ve failed everyone who supports me, my partner, my friend, my care team. Everyone has been working so hard to try and help me, and I just don’t get better. Something has to change. I have to change. For so long I’ve been trying to beat the suicidal thoughts and whatever intervention I had, it doesn’t last long. So I’m doing something wrong. There’s something wrong in my head telling me that it’s my body, I can cut it when I want, and my life and it is my right to end it when I want. That’s the mind frame I have and when I’m unwell I cannot think about consequences to other people, I just think they’re better off without me. I don’t understand why I can’t get these simple principles right. I’ve seen my partner when I was in hospital, how disturbed and worried he was. I’ve seen my friend cry, my therapist. I’ve seen the silence in my sons eyes. And it still doesn’t sink in.

I’m getting through each day, remind myself of baby steps and do grounding exercises pretty much all day if I can. But I’m scared.

Awe @Former-Member

The only person you didn't mention was 'you'. However you are, those who support you will still be there. The biggest support in your world is you my love. Without you there isn't any them.

Yes, it's your right or will to end things, but it's also you who has an innate right and will to survive, and even thrive.

Changing; yes, change is important. It's a 'one step at a time' process though hun. Remember when little one's learn to pull themselves up, then gradually they push themselves to walk around things and eventually let go and fall. They pick themselves up and try again and again until it's achieved and move on to the next lesson.

Healing our behaviour's like this. It seems 'feeling' for others is a major issue for you. I know this well I'm afraid. Being an empath. learning to be number one in your life takes time, courage and a LOT of practice. You'll fall, scrape your knees and cry over spilt milk so to speak along the way, but that courage will serve you well to keep going.

Who was it that actually 'said' they were disappointed in you at hospital? My guess is nobody. Your lack of belief in yourself makes up stories to validate your negative perception of who you 'think' you are.

When you start to look at your positives, that perception will change, then your behaviour will follow. That's the healing process...

It's great you're talking about this, keep it coming.

Hope xo

Thank you @Hope4me

i really liked the analogies you made for the healing process. I can relate better to things that are pictures in my head. I draw and paint a lot to communicate.

i didn’t mention ‘me’ as I’m still not sure how I feel about ‘me’. I remember waking up in hospital and thinking, oh no I’ve woken up to another day.

I understand the little kids, but they want to stand and walk. And they don’t care where they walk to in a week or a month, they just want to grab something from the coffee table or go and explore. I try to get the mindset of a child or even teenager who do things just for the sake of it. But then I sit there and think, well I can’t doodle, paint and walk for the rest of my life, I will have to get better, get a job... and then I sink. Fast. Here, now is all that should matter, and it works for a brief period and then I go down again. I’m really confused about where I am going and does it make sense to try and pick myself up again and again and again if I don’t even know what for.

I’ve made a safety plan and put things to look forward to in there, things I would be looking forward to if I was well. That’ll have to do for now. Before all I had in there was ‘sometimes it’s ok if the only thing you do today is breathe’. That’s actually more like what you explained about the healing process. Perhaps I put that back in. ‘Enjoyable things’ the same as loved ones, don’t really matter when I’m unwell. Thank you again Hope for your support.

My goodness @Former-Member, I know that place so well. Can you believe I lived moment to moment in total fear of what would happen in the next moment? That went on for months because my GP didn't believe in MH disorders so she didn't give me a proper medication assessment. I had to fight for a referral to a psychiatrist.

I forced myself to fight for my life. I fought to stay alive, stay sane enough to care for myself in my home (though this wasn't very well) and I fought my own mind when healing became my main focus.

You gotta want it girl! More than giving up. We are normal considering our pasts ok. You're beautifully flawed and hopefully can accept this when you're ready. You're capable of experiencing great pain, then getting over it and moving on. Otherwise having babies wouldn't happen right?

I have a question; how would you 'like' to feel about yourself?

Hope x

It's getting late @Former-Member so I might hit the hay.

Please think about your answer to my question above ok.

Nigh-night hun...

Hope x

Good morning @Hope4me

I would like to like all parts of me and I would like to be liked by all parts of me. I direct so much hate and anger at myself. Then parts of me leave me and I sometimes cannot find or connect with them for a long time. Sometimes they ‘come out’ and I don’t even realise they’re there. I feel alone not only socially, but in myself.