30 Years

Hi Decadian,

Welcome to the Forums.

I would like to praise and encourage your move to reach out to others, and share your story.

You will hopefully discover, that you are not alone and be exposed to rich wealth of support and fellowship that other forum contributers have to offer.

We hope to hear more from you

Hi JumpingJoJo

Thanks very much for your warm welcome - I find it very enouraging

I know there are many people battling with the loss of a child - or children - and this is not well understood by family members even - so people can find the experience isolating

Besides a struggle going back 46 years - my son was 16 when he died - I have lived a very rich life - with a wide variety of experiences. I would be only to happy to share some of what I have learned and I know there are other people with their own stories - stories - in spite of their sorrowful content - I really want to here

Decadian

Hi @Decadian, thanks so much for much for sharing your story. Even though there is so much sorrow and grief in your past, there is encouragement to be found too. To have lived a 'rich' life full of experiences and to be willing to share with others is amazingly resilient.

I've come to think of grief as like waves in the ocean. You can be bobbing along in the water, enjoying the sun on your face, and then get dumped by an enormous wave of grief that you didn't see coming. Or, with anniversaries, you can see the wall of water building out of sea knowing that there is no way to avoid it when it heads for the shore. It's so tough to negotiate but, in some form, the unavoidable cost of living.

I'm really glad you joined our community and I hope there is a patch of calm water and sunshine ahead for you.

Hello @Decadian

I have also found that talking about suicide is too hard for most grown ups. My sister died in 1986 too. Then my brother a few years later.

I did my best to support them and understand how it can be traumatic for the carer, as well as those struggling with MI.

My poise is very delicate and it does not take much for me to be knocked of my perch. The grief is there most of the time but I am getting back in the world. So yes time does heal .. but it takes a lot of time, so I too am best off talking with professionals.

Hope things pick up after Easter.

Hi @Former-Member -

Thanks so much for your understanding reply - I really understand the image of being dumped by a wave

This happened to me once - I was never a good surfer and a took a wave and it dumped me - I could see it humping behind me - and I never saw my surfboard agin. So that is really content-full for me - esp rolling around in the muddle of surf: water, air and sand - horrible memory

And yes - grief is like that - it dumps on us.

I am really glad to have found this community - and I certainly do feel a lot better than I did last night.

Decadian

Hi @Appleblossom

It must have been terribly hard for you to lose your brother and your sister. I can't imagine that.

It is traumatic for the carer - you must have invested so much in helping them out - and then they died - and I sometimes wonder where everything we put into our loving and seeking help and whatever we do - where does that go?

For me I think it made me a better person

I have a very delicate poise also - I have been described as emotionally fragile - and still a lot of people tell me I am very strong and resilient, It doesn't feel that way

When you talk about older people not wanting to talk about suicide - this was true of my parents - it was like it was some kind of horrible accident - and they had always said that people who talk about suicide never do it - which now is accepted by people with any experience as not true

I am really glad I found this site - I expect I will be bobbing around in the surf for a few weeks but having people I can communicate with who understand will be very helpful

Thanks Appleblossom

Decadian

Hi @Former-Member

Thanks so much for your encouraging response - it is a good thing to know that my insight shows through - as does my steadfastness. I had never applied that adjective to my life before - but after so many years it does seem to fit

I have to learn to be patient with myself - I find this hard sometimes - and I can't see myself as others do

It is my plan to stick around - it seems already that people here understand - and I look forward to learning more about the other people here and responding

Decadian

Hi @Former-Member

How wonderful it is to knows that posting 30 years on from my son dying is such a terrible place can encourage you. Thank you so much for saying that

But those 25s - for me it is 16s - how the years and the dates inside them can turn on us - and having your little girl die right in front of you must have been horrific

Yes - we can help each other

My ex-husbands birthday is on the 16th - my son was adopted on the 16th - he died on the 16th when he was 16 - I really understand that

It is really interesting that you sense your daughter being around on your birthday. Over Easter I twice felt there was someone near me - and I was alone - I turned quickly but there was no one there. Who knows what goes on in the invisible world around us. It gives me hope though

Five years is not long though - I was still in a real mess at the 5th anniversary - but if it helps at all - life happens - and although there will always be small things that will set you off - it does get easier. I think the anniversaries can get harder - perhaps the energy gets stored for special events - and overcoming the loss of one of our children is exhausting

When this first happened - and I had lost a few people - this was the first death to really hit pay dirt. I wanted to stop feeling the pain and just get back on with my life - and one of the Founders of Compassionate Friends told me this

"If you had a heart attack and you were in hospital wired up to everything and totally helpless - you would not expect to get back to work - no one would expect you to"

- which we can apply to ourselves -

But the world really doesn't - which makes it so much harder

Yes - we can help each other

Decadian