How do I trust again ?

@Razzle. Hello. I haven't been in your situation, but reading your post, I'm wondering if there is a clash of values between you and your husband.

We tend to hold our top 5 values strongly, and if someone close to us, especially a partner, starts showing the opposite of our value, it can shatter us, and then lead to an issue of trust.

If this resonates with you, I wonder if you can work out what that value was.

@utopia I don’t know what went wrong. I always thought we were a loving supportive couple, but after that night I’ve had plenty of time to look back over and analyse my whole marriage. It seems I walked around for 24years with stars in my eyes, now that I can see clearly I realise he has never been supportive of me. It’s been a one way marriage for most of it , and I can’t go back to that.

He says he’s changed, he thinks he’s changed, but he still can’t answer why he picked her, and until I can understand why he did it I have no reason to believe he won’t do it again.

Its been 17 months, and I am as hurt now about it as I was back then. Add to that, he has now been told all about my childhood sexual abuse, something he hasn’t coped with at all, so again I don’t feel supported.

I’m not sure he can change enough to salvage any of this.

That's a tough place for you to be in @Razzle. Yes it's been 17 months, but it will take as long as it takes, unfortunately.

Hi @Razzle, @utopia

I read your post and connected to it in a few ways. I was in a long term relationship where I was the one who didn’t give my support to my partner when he needed it. In my situation I didn’t choose sides but it created a situation where he went looking for support elsewhere. Long story short I understand that it was important to him later but not at the time. The problem for me was that I would still struggle to support him in that situation in my head but I understand the importance of it in my heart. It was over a business he started and how he was running it. I struggled with the way that he treated some customers and his reliability. For him he needed my unconditional support and to believe in him. I understand that but sometimes that gets tricky when it clashes with your values as @utopia said. I think with counselling I would have found a better way of doing it. I think I found it hard to separate my values from supporting the person I loved. Maybe your hubby feels the same. Maybe not too.

I found Brené Brown a few years ago and love her work. She has developed a body of work around trust that I think is really good. You may find it too much but personally I need things broken down into tangible parts. I’m posting this clip which is 24 min long from memory and is introduced by Oprah Winfrey but you can skip that part if you get impatient. I did 😊. I’m not sure if you’ll find it helpful. I thought I’d just share my experiences. Best wishes. It’s not easy at all.

http://www.oprah.com/own-supersoulsessions/brene-brown-the-anatomy-of-trust-video

@Teej. A very good talk. Particularly resonated with the lack of self trust.

That’s the bit I wanted to put my head in the sand with @utopia. 🤦‍♀️. It helped me understand that part more. It will be a big work in progress. I’m glad you got something from it.

Thanks @Teej for the link. I had a look up until the last couple of minutes when she started to talk about self trust, my husband came home so I turned it off but I will finish watching it when I’m on my own - actually I might watch it a few times.

I used to be best friends with my SIL, but when she moved interstate my brother was earning huge amount of $$ and she started looking down her nose at everyone. Everything became about money and having the best of everything, I’m not like that, I like to be comfortable but I’m just as happy in 2nd hand or used than brand spanking top of the range new.

she has been pretty mean to my parents for years, and when my father went into hospital she was terrible to him and mum. He had been in hospital for 2 weeks when he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, he died 6 days later. I have put up with her shit for years, and I held my tongue the whole time he was in hospital because I knew after he died they would be heading back interstate. But hours before dad died she and 2 of my brothers did something that broke the camels back and I lost it.

the next day she didn’t even speak to or acknowledge my mother, after she had just lost her husband of 52 years. When I got home that night I was so upset and told my husband everything that had happened - his response was that she behaved that way because I had probably hurt her feelings.

He picked her, when she was completely in the wrong. I was so hurt, I still hurt just as much now. How do I allow myself to get close if he can hurt me at the most vulnerable stages if

mt life??

@Razzle A marriage, a relationship - means letting someone get that close to you, that you could be hurt by them.

That's why relationships are hard.

Broken trust and hurt can occur at any time. But so can the opposite, trust and support and love.

Can you look at the things he is doing that show trust support and love.

Hi Razzle,

i cringed with relating so much to what you wrote about falling out of love with your husband that very instant he betrayed you and sided with your SIL. I had a similar experience losing love for my long term partner the moment he deeply betrayed me (his had to do with blaming his abusive drunken behaviour on me- different but it sounds similarly betraying). Every moment he was presented with that situation again after that and not only still chose to betray me but also could not even see how badly that was a betrayal, he further pushed away any hope of my love for him rekindling.

Betrayal kills the connection and the love you have for your partner. Your gut feelings are telling you that.

Your post here about this is crucially poignant. I wonder if you'd consider reading it to your marriage counsellor at least, at the Beginning of your next session or even before that over the phone, and then to your husband in the session too if your counsellor thinks that will be useful. I'm concerned piushing this unresolved betrayal away is bound to make things unravel and the work you and your hubby have both done over the last 12 months might not be able to bridge you over two months until you see your counsellor again if this core issue is still this toxic betrayal.

In my understanding and experience, you have a foundation to learn to trust again if the betrayal has been addressed and your partner recognises what it did to your heart. Without that recognition and genuine remorse I don't see forgiveness and trust again in him being anything more than an attempt of a bandaid over a festering wound which will undermine other beautiful, courageous and brave work you are doing to restore trust and love in your marriage.

This issue cannot stay underground without jeopardising any other strong work you both do, in my experience.

It is really important your counsellor knows how you feel about being on the brink of staying or going still, and why if your gut feeling is this. Maybe now is not the time for a break in sessions.

Your counsellor can help you the very best when they know what you are feeling and thinking. And this is crucial for them to know before you go on a break from counselling.

Please be gentle on you. You have persevered a whole year with this and done amazing work. You are clearly brave and insightful and there are reasons you want to see if your marriage can survive.

Trust your gut feelings. I hear them clearly in your post here. Your counsellor really needs to know them before you take a break from counselling, I think, and that break doesn't have to happen right now if you feel it will be too soon. Or maybe it can happen, but to time things best you need to acknowledge your gut feelings out loud and your counsellor needs to hear them.

Betrayal in my situation was never acknowledged and never regretted by my partner which kept my love for him dead in my heart. It took me a year of counselling to realise that betrayal would never be acknowledged. It pointed to other patterns in my situation. Nine years later I am very glad to be free and the love is still dead along with the hope of acknowledgement. It could be different in your situation.

There is still real hope while you are still addressing core issues in counselling. I respect your courage and strength. I believe your gut feelings and they sound spot on to me.

Please let us know what happens next, if you would like to. I'll be thinking of you.

Love from Twerp

@utopia

@Twerp

Thanks for the replies. Hasn’t been a great day. Seems to be 1 step forward, 2 steps back, and today it’s another step back. I’m just so tired of all of it at the moment. I was even half tempted to sign up to a lonely hearts site this afternoon. I just want feel loved, I don’t actualy want to meet up with someone, I just want someone to talk to that makes me feel like I’m good enough, someone that makes me feel good about myself. God I hate myself so much, I feel like this marriage is exactly what I deserve