Dispensable Me.

Hey there @Corny your story is so powerful, vulnerable, beautiful and raw. This line particularly struck a chord "Like my outside world is mocking my inner world. And on purpose.". The wounds caused by complex mental illness and emotional unavailability as a young one most definitely seem perpetually ending voids, and the notion of filling that void can certainly leave us feeling dispensable and stuck. I am so glad you have shared this story, because this space provides a platform for you to feel heard and know you are not alone. You are not dispensable, certainly a victim of circumstance, but you are a wonderfully intelligent and purposeful human being like the rest of us.

Just touching in your remarks regarding drinking, it's good that this worked for you on that occassion, but it's important to monitor our relationship with alcohol - and try to avoid using it as a coping mechanism. I am keen to highlight this for other forum members too

How are you feeling after sharing this?

Hi @Corny

I am sure one drunk night wont matter too much.

Atm I am reading about

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/225677221_Adult_Attachment_in_Children_Raised_by_Parents_with_Schizophrenia

I am not sure if your parents had a mental illness or were not diagnosed.

I relate to the loneliness, and lack of affection and care.

I am glad you have a good care team. It can make all the difference. Congrats on going without meds with team's support.

Hello @Corny I feel really sad for you.

They way you have described the depths of your loneliness is profound.

I'm another one who never felt like I belonged. There have been exceptions, though. When I ran away overseas for 3 years when I was 17 and got away from my parents I felt more at ease in the world. When I'm in a crowd of football (round ball) fans I feel part of something. Even though it doesn't change anything in the wider world, it's like a breather for me.

It sounds like there haven't been those exceptions for you, and I'm sorry the world can be so harsh. I can understand how letting yourself off the incredible self discipline you have and escaping for a night feels good.

When I am feeling that big disconnect from family and society, I look for other connections. I feel deeply connected to animals and nature and I'm lucky to have 2 dogs and a tiny courtyard garden. I also read. The forum has helped me enormously in terms of feeling less alone.

Just wanted to say I read your post and thinking of you.

You are incredibly articulate, perceptive and enduring.

Hi @Former-Member,

Thank you for your replay and your concern. I know mixing alcohol with complex mental illness is really bad, and I agree with you. But just like with the meds my physical health problems will prevent me from developing a drinking problem. I would last 2 or 3 days and become very ill because I have a lot of gut/tummy/food problems that put me into an autoimmune flare and I can't even enjoy a pizza, gelato or a coffee let alone being able to drink a lot without becoming very sick. I can eat, bark, leaves, sand, rice, grass, fruit, soil, vegetables, seafood,a little bit of meat now and then and that's pretty much it and even then I don't always feel %100. I also have a healthy dose of fear about my genetics and becoming unwell again. I was reading this research article that %55-75 people with first episode psychosis experience it again. I don't know what quality the research was but its scary coming from my gene pool.

It's frustrating having such little freedom and having to be so restricted when it comes to the culinary and foodie pleasures of life. And I am frustrated with the pharma. It would just be too simple wouldn't it that I may be given a little break from all my symptoms and have some respite from myself and not feel so tortured by my anxiety. But my shrink said out of all the conditions he treats in people, they assume he gets the least results with psychotic illnesses with the pharma. But he said in fact, he gets the least results out of all the mental health symptoms with anxiety. He said people's anxiety is the hardest to treat because there isn't much to offer. I was thinking about that statement and I think that's one of the reasons so many people turn to the drink. Because the pharma isn't working and they want a release. Even if it's temporary. I can understand that.

But I'm doing my best to maximise my health with good nutrition and exercise. I just have very little resilience now, and I hate being such a sensitive person. I'm sensitive to just about everything, even what I put in my mouth. My psychologist I used to see said it's like my entire being is hypersensitive. And it's true. I'm jealous of other people's temperaments. I'm built differently. But I know that I was raised amongst a lot of threats, and when you're raised in that environment you have to be sensitive just to survive and react to that constant threat. I pick up on a lot of subtle things that mates wouldn't even notice. I had friends down this weekend, and they just don't feel things I feel. I hate having such big, deep, raw emotions.

I guess I'm just like everyone on here. One of the most awful things about mental illness is the monotony. I'm fed up with the monotony of my life. And all I do is 'manage myself'. It's tiring being a manager when I'm the sole employee. Some days I just ask myself, "Is this all there is?"

Corny

Thank you @Appleblossom. Both of my parents have/had severe mental illness. My Mum has schizophrenia and Dad......well he was like a lot of us and had symptoms that crossed maybe 4 diagnoses, but he took his own life 8 years ago.

Thanks for the reading tip. The early child attachment articles, research, videos and books etc make me very sad when I read them. I find it very distressing to watch stuff like that, even clips on trauma websites of doing the still face experiments with mothers and babies. I can't watch it. That's pretty much my whole primary school years right there. Mum was desperately unwell and we were very socially isolated as a family because people with schizophrenia are shunned. Even by doctors. Because it's just all to hard, so they set and forget them. They gave up on my Mum, and subsequently gave up on me.

It's a particular type of emptiness that comes from being neglected. It's hard to describe that if you haven't experienced it. To make it worse I didn't fit the picture of a neglected child and therefore my distress was never picked up on. I flew under the radar.

Some people just don't get neglect because it is invisible and concealed. You have no bruises. I just finished reading Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine. And then I went onto Goodreads and read some other people's opinion. I found it really quite strange that a lot of people asked if she was Aspie, is this an American thing, where everyone must receive a label from the DSM. And I also found it odd that it was described as a book mainly about loneliness, which it is to a big degree, but I took it as a novel about chronic neglect and the effects of trauma, with some pretty typical dissociation.

Take care,

Corny

Hey there @outlander! I was working down the list.

Totally understand matey.

I ask myself that all the time.

It's wearying isn't it. It takes so much energy to keep going and if I am having a bad day I find it hard to not compare my life to other peoples. I try to be grateful for what I have, and I am, but some days it's tough when I'm feeling sad. The stark comparison. Some people just live incredibly charmed lives and had incredibly charmed childhoods. And I don't mean materialistically. I don't care about that. I mean rich in other ways. Ways I've never really experienced.

You feel like you've parked your spaceship on Mars don't you when you hear their conversations.

I hope you are well Outlander. I really feel for you with all your responsibilities, and on top of that you have your own health to battle.

Corny xx

@Corny

The neglect is so profound but also hidden, so hidden that it was hidden from myself, until recently.

I think it is important not to retrigger ourselves unecessarily, however some understanding and useful social information can help. Only you can be the judge of what helps when there is so much early complex trauma, but I have found it does help to try different things.

I have not read that book, as I dont read much fiction these days, but I know what you mean about Aspies being everywhere. I talk about myself as an aspie because a lot of it fits, but also I am a little detached from it. Last night I saw a guy who is really obviously struggling with his aspyness. I tried to reassure him, have known him for a few years in a choir, another guy inside same choir is a shrink and we also had talk about aspie epidemic.

One thing about being in care ... is that it comes very much that we are not the only one ....

Take Care

You are valuable here.