Hate is not a strong enough word...

I had a gastric sleeve five years ago and lost several dress sizes. My body moved freely, I felt more confident and for the first time in my life, I thought I was going to get my chance to live. But over time, I slowly regained the weight half the weight. I can't control my eating. Tomorrow, I am suppose to go out with a couple that I met through facebook some years ago. My being a carer and having social anxiety means I don't go out...it's been years since I was last out. So, I ventured to the shops to buy clothes for the event. Whatever depression I had yesterday is nothing compared to today after going shopping. I'm done. I'm going to go to this thing tomorrow, get it over and done with, get through the next couple of months and end it. I haven't wanted to live for years but there was always someone that needed me, well the kids are grown up and my mother is in her 80s so if she doesn't survive my death, it doesn't matter. I'm kind of relieved, calm about it, even a bit excited. I just want it to be over with asap. I'm going to fix a few things around the house and get my papers in order, try to save whatever money I can to leave behind...two months working like crazy should be enough.😊 Feel better now...tomorrow doesn't matter.

I hope people aren't upset by this, here is the only place I can talk about this stuff. Please be happy for me, I am going to be at peace at last...going home.