Hate is not a strong enough word...

Hi @Lemonjuice

It sounds like it's been a really difficult day. Clothes shopping can be awful, I agree. And it must be incredibly nerve wracking preparing for meeting your online friends after not going out for years, even if it's something that you want to do and something that will be enjoyable when it happens. It's understandable that you are feeling really low right now.

Sometimes suicide can feel like the only option or the best option, but often it is a permanent solution to a temporary way of feeling. It sounds like the way you're feeling now has been triggered by specific events – the difficult day shopping and the social even coming up tomorrow. When we are feeling triggered or anxious, it is often not the best time to be making any kind of major decision as we are often not thinking rationally. I think there's a really good chance you will feel differently once the social event is behind you. It might even be a fun night - if you have things in common that have connected you over facebook, you probably also have a lot to talk about in real life.

It also sounds like you are feeling as though your reasons for living are changing, but I have no doubt that your children and mother still love you and would want to support you through this, rather than lose you forever. I can understand that having a way out is making you feel calmer, but there are almost always other ways of changing things for the better.

Is there anyone you can talk to about how you're feeling right now? It's great that you have reached out here and you're welcome to keep posting. It might also be helpful to chat to someone one on one given how low you are feeling. The following numbers are available 24/7:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Samaritans: 135 247

You are also welcome to contact the SANE Help Centre or use our online chat service. Both are available until 10 pm.

Do you have any professional supports that you will be seeing over the next days or weeks that you can talk to about this?

@Lemonjuice, I am also sending you an email to check in.

@Lemonjuice Hi Lemonjuice sorry to hear that things are really hard for you but I know they have been for some time. Believe it or not you are one of the contributers who I enjoy reading because you put it out there. You are very damn likeable. I am sure your friends will look past the weight gain and if they dont oh well f**k them.

Enjoy tomorrow, kids have moved on = enjoy your freedom.

Love greenpea xxxx

@Lemonjuice I just wanted to say I get it. I’m not going to say anymore than I understand those feelings and thoughts.

@TAB @Teej @Bunniekins @Former-Member

I just got back from having dinner with my fb friends. It was really good, I enjoyed myself. It's very interesting the people that go to make up this world. They are lovely, and I have known them for ages, but it's only recently, I found out that they had an open relationship, which included threesomes, plus. It was very interesting to learn about that and I expect they wanted me to join in, but it's not my thing. I'm rather old fashioned that way, but not judgemental about others and their choices. We had a great chat about it...great food, music, the place was full. I haven't been out in years, it was wonderful.

And my clothes, body issue; my niece made me go through everything and there we found a pair of jeans and a nice top and she did my makeup and hair. I don't know why but I had tossed those clothes aside thinking that I was too fat for them. I have put on a lot of weight and most of my clothes now don't fit, but I am not an enormous elephant. I have not gone back to where I was before weightloss.

One step at a time, one day at a time.

@Lemonjuice So pleased for you 😊

@Lemonjuice Hey Lemonjuice that is fantastic news :).I agree with the threesomes .... anyways ... sounds like you had a great time and the biggest plus of all is that you wore some nice clothes. That has perked me up as I have also put on weight and 'hate it!' my mum wants me to go shopping for clothes for my birthday but I have been resistant due to my weight but thanks to you I might give it a try :)xxxxx

@Bunniekins I am glad to hear that. I have been thinking that sometimes we need to surrender control and let others guide us because our perception becomes too distorted.

I’m so glad you went and had a nice time. You deserve the best of everything. Bless you x