Sharing my life with Ms Sophie (Bipolar II)

@Sophie1

Thinking especially of you this morning.

Will you be able to get a bit of R&R in this long weekend?

Hi @Former-Member @outlander @Shaz51

i made it to our family property in the country by a river in a log cabin woth open fire and amazing trees

I am here with my mum , uncle and a few cousins but just mum and me in the hut - my MsS stayed home by her choice as didn't want to rough it with pit toilet etc ... she was so anxious and sooky Friday morning when you wrote to me Darcy - but I needed a break desperately as work has been conflictual and MsS has been needy and frustrating - so I've had a lovely night and day of pure selfishness yay 😀... I highly recommend it

Nature and bacon and eggs and apple pie have healed my soul ... as well as nature walks in the tall trees and autumn leaves and photographing full moon tonight with my tripod camera setup ahhhhh happy new

I hope you are all well xx

Hi @outlander @Former-Member @Shaz51

arrived home from weekend away with family and home to MsS

feeling totally overwhelmed and teary and exhausted and confused

don't know if I'm sad about working tomorrow again as I have no friends at work in my current role and department Or

if I'm sad that MsS was unable to leave the house while I was away .. she was crying on the phone to me when I was away and I had to calm her down a few times

then she reached out to her friend today who picked her up and had her over for dinner today ... so I got home and she arrived home shortly after as friend dropped her off after dinner

but then she went straight to bed after a quick chat - and I'm alone again .. she struggles with constant headaches and depression and anxiety .. and sleep apnoea .. treatments for her headaches haven't been successful and her options are limited due to psychiatric meds ... and she didn't like the cpap sleep apnea masks ...

earlier today she said to me on the phone before I came home that she was proud of herself for getting through weekend on her own without resorting to a few of her 'non helpful vices' that I won't name ... I was also proud of her and also sad to be having the conversation at all - and sad that I had worried about her all weekend and sad that nobody in my family asked how I was over the weekend and I think that's because they didn't want the answer ... one family member confided how I had been a positive role model for him and helped him understand same sex relationships in a positive light and how much he admires me for dealing with everything we do with MsS condition - I didn't know how to reply - I'm not ok and not coping right now and didn't know how to say it and didn't think anyone there was the right person to tell - family haven't always been reliable supports or trustworthy so I held my true distress in and nodded and said thankyou and that I take a day at a time and really love MsS - both of which are very true but I couldn't share my distress - should I have ? I don't know - I don't want to burden others and I know they don't have the answers and I suspect there are none anyway ... it frightens me how dependent MsS is on me - I am very protective of her ..

sorry to vent and unburden I just needed to get it out - I don't know what the words are for what I'm feeling - but it's a mix of sadness, loneliness, isolation, anger, fear, love, hope, exhaustion, apprehension... regret perhaps .. misunderstood .. confused .. frozen .. maybe even a growing indifference / coldness / lack of empathy .. I think maybe I'm headed for carer fatigue ... OR am I truly that unhappy in my job ?

anyway I have a counsellor session tomorrow for me that I've been waiting 2 weeks for - couldn't come soon enough ! Feel like I need a good dose of organising

it's that strange feeling of not letting myself share true feelings with anyone in my life - each one of my family and friends and MsS herself - each of them I don't want to share with - I am closing off - and that is unusual for me - I don't trust my feelings at the moment and don't want to say things people weaponise against me later - I also don't want to create rubbish self fulfilling prophecies based on fake rationale that I manufacture to make sense of these strange soup of feelings - I want to swim through it without naming it and hope it passes or becomes clearer with time

it's also possibly grief playing in as it's the first time I've been to hut with family since my step fathers passing three years ago ... lots of memories and sadness - it was really his place

it's also my anniversary with my partner MsS tomorrow - over 20years together - I love her more than ever and wish I could be more accessible right now for her - wish we could both be happier and pain free - but we aren't so there it is ...

ok think I need to find a cat to cuddle - can hear MsS snoring upstairs lol - I will sleep in spare room - snoring too loud ..

does any of this even make sense ???

@Sophie1

Sounds like there is a lot of emotions going on with a lot of different things contributing and often interlinked, your example of dissatisfaction at work can lead to resentment about being the provider, which then starts the ball rolling on a number of other emotions "occupational wellness" certainly seems to be at play and I am wondering if your "escape plan" from your present employer is going to take a little longer than anticipated?

Both of you have a few medical things happening and I am wondering if a "medication review" might be worthwhile especially as you have been seeing a number of specialists and whilst this wont fix your work problem it might highlight if there are any drug interactions or better options that will lessen side effects that may have been missed previously.

Can understand how that Ms S would find a CPAP machine difficult, Mr D does not like to use any medical aids unless absolutely necessary, post orthopaedic surgery Mr D would not use the walking frame in front of the community nurse and would hide it if we had visitors.

I have found oversharing is not desireable and difficult not to do when ones heart is full of grief and I am hoping that your counselor appointment will be helpful, of course we are always happy to listen ...

Thanks @Former-Member i was very glad to read your response - I am going to sit with it all and see how I go - I have counsellor at 4pm today ... it's nice to be home tho after a weekend away - I do like my home and my own space and routines - guess with COVID everything has been a little centred around the house so maybe was weird leaving house for 4 days too

I will observe and be gentle with myself and MsS and work colleagues in meantime

will focus on reasonable bed times to get enough sleep and getting walks in each day to stay healthy

Focusing on the basics is often a good strategy @Sophie1 .

Hi @Former-Member @outlander @Shaz51 .. and anyone else who checks in on me

@Former-Member I had my counsellor appointment and she made me realise I was overwhelmed everywhere I turned in my life and that I needed to make changes as it wasn't sustainable

@Sophie1

Being heard = yay

Trust things go well on dog walk.

I do hope the changes at work will be of benefit to you.

Using the CPAP has the potential to make a huge difference for Ms S, sleep being so important for mental health and I hope with gentle encouragement she will give it another go.

Checking in @Sophie1 thinking especially of you today.