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Dealing with denial

CameliaContributor08 Sept 2014, 5:42 pm AEST

Dealing with denial

My 24 yr old son was hospitalised in the Mental Health Unit for 3 weeks after I had him committed by the court. He was psychotic and paranoid. He was living away from home and had been taking meth-amphetamines and I knew I had to do something as no-one else was helping him. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but am not regretting it at all. He has been diagnosed with temporary schizophrenia (well we hope it will be temporary).

He has been home with us for over a month and is on depot medication once a month and that is working well. He is calm and pleasant with some side effects of sedation and the psychosis and paranoia seem to have gone.

My problem is that both my son and husband do not comprehend that my son is unwell. This means that my son has taken up regular cannibis use again, and my husband is angry with him for not getting a job and being independent. The same old patterns of their relationship are rearing their ugly heads and I feel that I'm stuck in the middle trying to mediate between them.

So much so that I reached the point of saying to my husband that if he can't accept his son is undergoing treatment and needs a calm and positive environment, then I'd have to go and find somewhere I can provide that for him.

I have given my husband information about schizophrenia - whether or not he has read it I can't be sure.

My son, believing that he is fine and just wants to get off the meds, refuses to even consider attending any form of counselling or psychology support to help him learn coping skills. He has suffered depression in the past, hasn't had a job for at least 3 years and those that he did have lasted only for a matter of weeks. He has a case worker under his ITO (involuntary treatment order) but they are mainly concerned about the medication and the psychosis - which has abated. Right now he is in a good place, but his marijuana use means that he is doubly sedated - his meds and the dope!

I understand why my husband is so angry - that we are trying to help our son yet he won't help himself by staying clean. My son thinks that we are out of touch with reality and that everyone smokes weed. I just don't know whether I am kidding myself that my son can be helped, or that once a drug addict always a drug addict. But as a mother I feel this is the best chance we may get to help put him on the right track.

I started seeing a psychologist but frankly I don't feel that I am getting many answers. I know there is no particular answer, but I would like to know if anyone else has had a similar experience and found a way to break through the denial at any level.

My greatest fear is that my husband will want to throw him out - again - and that will eventuate in my son return to worse drugs.

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In response to: Dealing with denial

Unknown userMember26 July 2015, 6:37 pm AEST

Re: Dealing with denial

Hi Beth, a warm weekend welcome. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time with your son right now. Despite this you have found you way here and are connecting here which is great. No pressure to share but I guess I wondered how you are getting through this time.....

In response to: Dealing with denial

BethCasual Contributor26 July 2015, 7:26 pm AEST

Re: Dealing with denial

Hello 🙂 I am trying to stay busy and keep my mind off my worries. Sometimes I can do this well with a lot of 'self talk' and reminders of the lovely people I have around me that rely on and love me. But to be honest right now I'm struggling ..my son is 22 and has always been a mums boy and I have always been able to connect with him (he is my baby) but he has become really hostile lately and we have lost that connection ..I guess I'm not coping so well at the moment but thank you for responding to me and allowing me to let that out. Tomorrow is another day and I always always have hope for happy ones 🙂

In response to: Dealing with denial

AphroditeSenior Contributor18 Aug 2016, 12:26 am AEST

Re: Dealing with denial

Hi @Camelia - The stress of dealing with a loved one who has an addiction is very tough, and even though I have not faced that, I have watched other parents go through it. I was addicted to smoking marijuana for a number of years when I was alot younger, from around 16 to 23 I smoked daily - I went to Narcotics Anonymous, and it was what helped me to get off it initially, but the stuff I learnt about myself and addiction stayed with me, and I believe it messed up my using because I had an awareness of why I felt the need to take myself out of reality that I never had before. I even gave up my addiction to nicotine 6 months after the dope applying what I had learnt - no matter what you use, the nature of addiction is the same. I get how difficult it must be for you that your husband doesn't understand that it is not as simple as your son 'going out to get a job' - he needs to have been recovering for some time to be able to do this, and maintain it. Speaking of denial, another person said something (as I am now writing my response I can't go back and read who made the comment) which I think is very insightful, and which I agree, and that is that denial also has it's place because I believe when we are there, we are not capable of facing the truth yet, and need to be there - I think that is what N.A. did for me - it was very difficult to continue to deny anything, though I don't know how you get there in the first place if you are denying you have a problem. I thankfully at 23 knew I had a problem with it, and marijuana was the only drug of dependence I had ever tried, though many people who go have used many drugs of dependence - how it works is that addicts who have been clean for some time and have worked through the 12 step recovery program, sponsor and support newcomers. Anyway, I could go on all night, but this was just to give you some idea of what worked for me - I am 52 now and from 23 years old, I relapsed once, and still felt that using my drug of choice was not an option and quickly got back on track. Now, I just want to mention another fellowship that you might find helps to support you and quite possibly your husband, which is NAR ANON - for family, friends and loved ones who are dealing with addiction. After reading your post, I am convinced that you would benefit from the support of this group, and as another member mentioned, you need to look after you, and can't be responsible for everyone - helping yourself, will be helping your son. I hope your precious son finds the thing that helps him, and helps your husband too because not having the awareness of what is happening to your son is a pain that won't go away for him as well. Stay in touch @Camelia

In response to: Dealing with denial

AphroditeSenior Contributor18 Aug 2016, 12:30 am AEST

Re: Dealing with denial

Hi @ Camelia - The stress of dealing with a loved one who has an addiction is very tough, and even though I have not faced that, I have watched other parents go through it. I was addicted to smoking marijuana for a number of years when I was alot younger, from around 16 to 23 I smoked daily - I went to Narcotics Anonymous, and it was what helped me to get off it initially, but the stuff I learnt about myself and addiction stayed with me, and I believe it messed up my using because I had an awareness of why I felt the need to take myself out of reality that I never had before. I even gave up my addiction to nicotine 6 months after the dope applying what I had learnt - no matter what you use, the nature of addiction is the same. I get how difficult it must be for you that your husband doesn't understand that it is not as simple as your son 'going out to get a job' - he needs to have been recovering for some time to be able to do this, and maintain it. Speaking of denial, another person said something (as I am now writing my response I can't go back and read who made the comment) which I think is very insightful, and which I agree, and that is that denial also has it's place because I believe when we are there, we are not capable of facing the truth yet, and need to be there - I think that is what N.A. did for me - it was very difficult to continue to deny anything, though I don't know how you get there in the first place if you are denying you have a problem. I thankfully at 23 knew I had a problem with it, and marijuana was the only drug of dependence I had ever tried, though many people who go have used many drugs of dependence - how it works is that addicts who have been clean for some time and have worked through the 12 step recovery program, sponsor and support newcomers. Anyway, I could go on all night, but this was just to give you some idea of what worked for me - I am 52 now and from 23 years old, I relapsed once, and still felt that using my drug of choice was not an option and quickly got back on track. Now, I just want to mention another fellowship that you might find helps to support you and quite possibly your husband, which is NAR ANON - for family, friends and loved ones who are dealing with addiction. After reading your post, I am convinced that you would benefit from the support of this group, and as another member mentioned, you need to look after you, and can't be responsible for everyone - helping yourself, will be helping your son. I hope your precious son finds the thing that helps him, and helps your husband too because not having the awareness of what is happening to your son is a pain that won't go away for him as well. Stay in touch @ Camelia

In response to: Dealing with denial

Some1New Contributor13 Sept 2016, 8:43 pm AEST

Re: Dealing with denial

Hi country mum, I want reading your story and felt for you, you sound like a woman who is scared and doing all she can to hold her family together. I should firstly let you know that my partner of 11uears suffers from schizophrenia and we have had some incredibly trying times that I also thankful we got through, If I can give you any advice at all it would be to try and get your son of marijuana immediately, marijuana (or any drugs and alcohol) is a huge trigger for schizophrenia. If you are positive that is what your son has, it is imperative he stay clean. I feel horrible that your husband doesn't understand the fight your fighting what a strong woman you must be. One thing that has always helped me with my battles is writing, obviously you require outside support but just as something for you, writing can become a thereputic experience and help you understand or at the very least, release some tension. Take time to just breathe and look after yourself, you ate important and if you can't operate at 100%, than everyone looses. Take time to have a nice quite breakfast, to enjoy your surroundings and always have gratitude in your heart. I wish you all the best moving forward, you are for sure a woman warrior 🙂

In response to: Re: Dealing with denial

PeppiPattySenior Contributor14 Sept 2016, 1:49 pm AEST

Re: Dealing with denial

Dear @Beth

How are you today?

I'm having growing away pains with my 22 year old too. A dear friend I have.....I had no idea.....has knowledge in what Im going through and wondering if what he suggested can help you?

He and his wife said to me:

'Im right here, right behind you. I can support you.....but I know you can do it alone. You can do this."

My issue with my son was him dealing with his medical problems. Hes sink into smoking weed daily. A lot this is because of the friends he is deciding to live with but the major issue is:

He has decided to charge his Dad for sexual abuse.

Maybe you can lift the...' I know you can do it alone," bit or in someway you can change a little what I am saying to my son??

Take care,

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