Happy Mental Health Week

How do I get past this...? I have always been strong just like my father taught me to be. Now that my dad had gone I have no family members to confide in... simply because they don’t care about me.

When my dad passed away my brother and sister found comfort in each other and I was left trying to deal with my pain on my own. Even at his funeral there was a montage put together by my nieces and there was not even one photo of me, my husband or our beautiful girl who my dad absolutely adored. It cut me to my very core. My dad was my rock... when my brother and sister thought that he was dying years before he actually did, he told me that I was his rock! It shook me....my dad felt that way about me too!

it is, was and always be the greatest honour to have been his daughter and his rock... guess you can tell that I miss him sooo much, especially now @outlander

apologies @Nay69

I misunderstood the whole story..

@Nay69 I am not sure how long you have been married, but you seem to be finding a good way forward already in these posts. As @outlander pointed out, his behaviour is a problem and you deserve your life.

Being there for your child is certainly important, but managing the adult spousal relationship is integral. A child is not really separate from their parents.

It sounds like you had a great relationship with your father and he can always be there to sustain you in spirit. People remember their dead in all sorts of ways. What matters is that it was nurturing and healing for YOU.

@Faith-and-Hope 's politeness and finding outside creative activities is a way followed by many. I tried that for 16 years, but it was too extreme and had to separate. We all have a unique bundle of things to deal with. Your story of the family outing touched me as I worked again and again at making family activities, even though my ex husband treated me badly. I just picked up wearily and did the practical and loving things that I could while I still had breathe in me.

There may be ways to save the marriage.

Acceptance of toxic masculinity has regressed many men to the level of spoilt toddler. Maybe some can grow up, it depends on how deep into it they are. Family provision and Child rearing demands can overwhelm people and bring out the worst in them.

Having models of a good father can help. Self protection is important while you work out whether you stay, or need to go. It may take a while. Take Care of YOU as well as your daughter.

I agree with @Appleblossom .... @Nay69 and for the part about your husband, @Sophia1 is right in that sense too (convo was about both husband and father @Sophia1.... so from where I am sitting, I don't think you misunderstood, just the conversation changed so fast that it was suddenly about @Nay69's loving Dad.

I had to face the choice / challenge of whether to go or to stay. Each situation is different, but emotional abuse is not okay .... and if you are staying, that message has to be repeatedly given out, and strategies and boundaries worked on to bring the abusive behaviour into line with acceptable communications / choices / codes of conduct. For us, support came in the form of medical people who realised there was a problem with the kids and intervened, setting boundaries around mr.f&h about how he could or could not interact with them, and spelling out what effect it was having on them.

Unfortunately, with so much hidden (and lied about) behaviour in our situation, they weren't able to pick up mr.'s illness, and instead misconstrued it as marrital discord affecting the kids ..... and sent us into family counselling and then marriage counselling. I couldn't "spill the beans" without causing the sort of implosion in mr. with consequences far more extreme, and none of the counsellors we were dealing with could get that ..... I didn't have the opportunity to speak with them alone ..... they knew there were secrets involved, but didn't understand these were mr.'s secrets appearing to be mine, because I couldn't tell them in a safe way, and I appeared instead to be working to undermine him .....

Just curbing mr.'s behaviour the way they did provided us with enough relief to keep moving forward, and counsellors I have spoken to independently regarding the eating disordered behaviour agree that we were placed in an unsafe situation because none of these specialists were specialised in eating disorders, and were not recognising particular complexities associated with this condition.

We are living with it, knowing it's not okay .... calling him on his behaviour when it goes wobbly, but having to just accept the eating disordered practices (the worst of them practiced in secret) until they come to light of their own accord. I have been badly hurt by being caught in the cross-fire, and I have to take care of myself and the kids as the highest priority, as @Appleblossom is saying. The best way to take care of us is to stay, now that critical boundaries have been set, and I have specialists agreeing with that too, based only on my side of the story, but that is all I can give them while my mr. has no insight into his illness.

In a sense it's like living with a form of dementia. On the one hand he seems oblivious to his behaviour, yet on the other hand he knows enough to lie about it, mask it, explain it away as other things ..... it's dual thinking. I have had to disengage emotionally from him and consider him lost to me at this point in time. We manage our family as civilly as we can, but otherwise lead separate lives.

@Nay69, we are here to support you in any way we can, and I hope elements of my story help you in your choices. They are never easy, and there is not a "one size fits all", but abuse is not acceptable, and I have to keep calling it out whenever it re-emerges. With the kids seeing psychologists, we have them in the background helping to police things, simply by their presence. Mr. knows that if he oversteps boundaries again, he will have them to answer to. It's not ideal, but our situation is unsustainable long-term anyway. We have to take the fall-out as it comes.