money doesn't fix it

I am so glad you reached out here @Former-Member. We all need support, instead of suffering in silence. Letting others know what we need when we are in a bad place is a strength, and we can get better at it when we realise that others do care ..... but you have been amongst family who don't offer you that care, so it can become a thought that nobody does. You are an amazing warrior, whether you feel like it or not .... surviving against that barrenness of care, and yet still reaching out to others in need and offering whatever support you can. Even if ultimately it doesn't change the nature of your family of origin, it does provide inspiration and courage by example to others here on the forum, and any who care to notice in the environments you are in irl.

Soldier on @Former-Member, and rest when you are weary. You are leaving your mark in the world around you, even by refusing to accept the shabby treatment your siblings dish out. Stand as firmly as you can in that resolve, and invest in your artwork. You are a creative .... always remember it ..... seek solace in your craft. Show others how it's done.

💓

Thanks @Appleblossom - guess it was a double whammy of a TRIGGER last night. And of cause my son has not replied to my text.

Been teary all day here, but better. I think I lost my son when I was parasuicidal after my girl died, they all wrote me off then, and my son, still a young vulnerable man, struggling with uni and alone with his parents and family blown apart, it’s no wonder he was advised to ‘distance’ from me. And the last thing I’d ever want was to harm him, directly or indirectly. He needed to lean elsewhere for a long time, and it was so hard to watch. Think I’m only coming to terms with that loss now. And with the stigma & depression viewed as ‘self inflicted’ / ‘attention seeking’ by my family... it’s no wonder he feels lost to me really, but unlike my girl, at least he still has his life and doing so well (without me).

“manliness - meaning they do not need their mothers” is an interesting understanding. We were very close when he was young so that fits us.

Wow! Your sister was “expecting your brothers suicide” That’s cold - she gave up on him. And another barrier went up in your heart. It seems to me that People of ‘privileged’ rarely understand deep suffering, and frankly can be so ‘up themselves’ My sis is hard for different reasons I think, though she is married to a Dr 😕 Either way, we have the greater treasure.

Sad both your brothers have passed away ((((((💜)))))) My four brothers still live: x2 Sz with dope addictions, CTO’s, and one is wheelchair bound with progressive MS, and the other simply hates me, backs up toxic sis..:

All Living losses.

I hope my boy learns to appreciate the good in me, one day, my caring attitudes, But I’m learning fast not to depend on it, rather the knowing that God knows the truth, not easy.

Wow, you think I have ‘spades of courage’ just by staying alive? Sharing the fear and keep living anyway...

never quite saw it that way, courage

I Like the way you put it - that you “felt catapulted into extreme fear states” too. Anxiety CAN cripple us 😞

Funny you mention my car situation - I spent a couple hours out in it clucking around today. Yes, its a temporary measure & safe long term.

Yes, I am worried about the rest of my house money, chewed into it too much already. Hard not to when you think ya gonna die soon. And buying a home with only 130k - well , let’s just say I don’t wanna live in Broken Hill or Timbuktu :face_with_rolling_eyes:

I am more settled today - thank God and beautiful souls here.

I know my son doesn’t want tensions between us, and the ball is now in his court. I don’t blame him if he chooses to cut me off, with the way he chooses to see me. I don’t know how to make people value me, it’s up to them, I’m doing the best I can, they just can’t / won’t see it ‘till they want to.

Perhaps that can be my prayer request

“God help them see”

“Help me see”

“Help us love oneanother”

Thanks Appleblossom.🌸💕

Took me an hour to write this, but I’m getting to the others shortly.

Just rang dad (feeling bad I couldn’t visit this last 2days), he sounds good, said I’ll come in the morning, he instructed me to “make it exactly 0830hrs 🙂 So must force myself out of the dull drums and drag my feet in there. Even Bro4 has stopped visiting dad more than weekly.

Back soon 🌸💕

@Former-Member

Just good to hear from you in a better state, and such a thorough response.

Thank for hugz BlueBay &Outlander 💕

@Faith-and-Hope, it’s easier to reached out with the forums literally in the palm of my hand 📱 📞 :mobile_phone_with_arrow: The emotional pain and head torture gets overwhelming alone. Its hard to see it as “strength” when it all seems out of control. It’s taking me a long time to ‘feel’ people “do care” here. Having natural family who don't offer that Care is probably the cause, thank you for understanding that. “AMAZING WARRIOR” ? not sure about that 🤔

Do you really think people can see it here? See past my ‘episodes’ and still be an inspiration on saneforums? Don’t think anyone irl does.

Do you think I’m possibly leaving a good “mark in the world around me?”

Haha “shabby treatment” by my siblings is apt. Means a lot that you understand that.

“Stand as firmly in my resolve” umm, that’s really hard.

Really hope I one day find the focus to invest in artwork more / being creative. Maybe when I find a new place to life. Being organised when so ‘messed up’ is hard. i so need the solace you speak of, that shines bright through your work too. Love the poppy picture too, when it eventually showed. It is red poppies isn’t it?

Thanks, you do my heart good.

I rang my cuz CS tonight, a strong Christian on dad’s side, her mum & hubby have passed. I forget she’s only a phone call away & we share on the same level (even though she’s older), both giving and taking the load for each other, back and forth (so many take a ‘superior’ or ‘what about me?’ stand but no so much with her. And all inside our Christian faith. It helped. And I must treasure it more, and I must ring her more often. She is the eldest of seven, and 4 helpful sisters, so surprised she has time for me. Told her I’m ready to die today and know nobody’s life would change because of it. Oh boy, did she set me straight. She declared sternly how much she thinks and prays for me, even when we go months without talking... and values our relationship / connection. She has no other family member to relate to like we do about faith and grief... Yep, that was good to hear a relative say to me today. I had to initiate the call, but it was well worth it.

Trying here. God dishes and car done today 🙂

@Former-Member .....

Do you really think people can see it here? See past my ‘episodes’ and still be an inspiration on saneforums? Don’t think anyone irl does.

Yes

Do you think I’m possibly leaving a good “mark in the world around me?”

Yes

Haha “shabby treatment” by my siblings is apt. Means a lot that you understand that.

💓

“Stand as firmly in my resolve” umm, that’s really hard.

It is .... but you can do it .... hiit and miss is okay .....

And it's okay to not be okay.

Really hope I one day find the focus to invest in artwork more / being creative. Maybe when I find a new place to life. Being organised when so ‘messed up’ is hard. i so need the solace you speak of, that shines bright through your work too. Love the poppy picture too, when it eventually showed. It is red poppies isn’t it?

Yes

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad @Former-Member - I haven't been on-line because I have been battling with my own stuff and tend to withdrawn into myself when things get tough - thanks for the support @Appleblossom - yes - I have my family issues and I get stress headaches and I understand peeps - it is maybe a good idea not to become dependent on digital support - we can't be here all the time as we would like to be - I can't anyway - and at the end of the day we need to care for ourselves through the hard times

I hear what you are saying Lapses - yes - I understand the toxic sister thing - mine is dripping with it - and yes - she has lied to other members of the family and turned them against me - my parents and my daughter - so yes - I don't know what the lies were all about - because they were lies - and I understand the horrible nature of it

We can't help what other people are - and your son is insensitive and maybe letting him stew on his own isn't a bad idea - I let my daughter alone for in the past - for months a couple of times - and she came around - she is easier to get on with now - she's much older than your son - maybe it's to do with manliness - maybe it's because he's young - maybe it's your toxic sister - who knows - but give him the silent treatment for a while - that what I suggest

I am always here for you Lapses - just not always on line - have faith in me - I always care for you - I always do - I have been having stress headaches and fatigue - and it has been enough for me to just do my own chores and get through the day - I don't like talking about it much - but I am always on your side - I always have your back - I just can't be on-line all the time

And I don't think badly of you at all - I understand - I am just really tired and over-whelmed at the moment and I love you a lot - you are my special sister

But here's a way of telling you when someone has been on-line or not - if you click on their icon it will tell you the last time they were in the site and who they posted to - sometimes people post on a different thread or don't tag - if someone hasn't been in for a few days you can tell that by looking

I'm sorry I can't be here all the time - and I get you too

Dec

@Former-Member I am very glad you remembered your cousin. Its fine if you start the connection. There are all sorts of reasons others may not call. I agree with @Faith-and-Hope

Weirdly I found some solace with my brothers first mother in law. She had the decency to apologise for misunderstandings with him. She was a very Christian caring person. Sadly she is gone now, but at least she enabled contacts with his 3 kids over the years. We find our connections where we do, but not always where we expect.

@Former-Member

Wow @outlander, what a beautiful image, thank you, that’s made my night. Hope you’re well? I can’t keep up lately.

@Owlunar, no need to apologise at all. I’m the one not visiting you guys enough. Really hope your current heaviness lifts soon, must be so hard. 🌸💕

Thanks @Appleblossom. It did bring some healing knowing one family member cares (though not seen much). Silly really,?guess if just ONE can genuinely find me ‘ok’ then the one is much louder than them all, strange that.

Got blood test results back today 😞
- Cholesterol very high
- B12 & Iron very low (thus fatigue)

Gotta lose weight, like yesterday 😞

Bro4 came round to use dad’s phone as he’s out of credit, again. Always TAKING something that one :face_with_rolling_eyes:

@Former-Member I dont think getting support has anything to do with whether you visit other people's threads. I just dont think enough people have realised the enormous potential of a forum like this. Many people dont know how to give support. If there were more maybe there would be enough online at any given time. We are all so different there needs to be quite a lot of people around for the chances that one will have a similar experience and so understand. I try but miss the boat often ...

Thinking of you.