Please dont feel embarrassed with me @Former-Member or the other posters.
I am tearing up typing to you now.
I can only imagine the level you may be triggered when fearing you may lose another chld.
My psychologist admitted in my last session, the difficulty women like us with their adult sons. In that, they take manliness as meaning they do not need their mothers. It takes a lot of bumbling to figure out the natural INTERDEPENDENCE with understanding their world and being responsible for themselves.
My sister said in a statement in coroners report that she was expecting my brothers suicide. I felt it was so callous the way she put it. I only read that recently, and it closed a door in my heart. Even though I loved her when she was little, She does not have generosity of spirit. Even though she had a much more privileged and loved childhood than my other sister, bro and I.
These are all part of the reasons suicides are so destructive.
I feel for you with your brother too, as brothers are human and as sisters we know the Manliness often better than mothers as we are growing up in a more similar environment. I had one who was into dope. The other was into money. They have both passed now.
From what you have said about your boy. He may really appreciate one day, that you have many strong ethics and caring attitudes, inspite of the lack of family support..
It takes courage to share the fear and keep living. You have that in spades. I have often felt catapulted into extreme fear states like you expressed.
Your car situation is a temporary measure only. I can understand it does not feel that safe or secure and will be pokey too. It was a sound decision. Be careful with the rest of your money. Look around for a place to put your nest egg. There WILL be something reasonable somewhere.
I hope you are a bit settled. Take your son's actions as part of his growing independence and not as actions against you.
