Struggling Mum and her friends

@pettipatty how was the move? You are such a supportive person and admire how much you keep showing love and kindness even when you still have things going on for you.

I went to the alanon meeting today. It wasn't the place that I was planning on going but last night I found another place incase I did get 'busy' and couldn't make the 2pm session. I'm a planner and sometimes when things don't go to plan I have a major freak out... Instead I went to another session at 4pm but this was waaaayy out of my way. I was so close to not attending but I forced myself. It was very overwhelming but everyone was so welcoming as soon as I stepped in. I went about 10 mins early so I can pick a spot where I could feel safe and leave if I did feel that it would have been too much. I didn't share today, it was a short session only an hour and i was confused with some things they were saying in reflection to the steps. I will understand more as I go every week. I did get a welcome pack which I will start going through soon, one day... They said to go if I can 6 straight weeks to see if this is a place I want to be at. As I sat there I would sometimes drift off, Maybe I was focusing on not crying and letting everyone feel sorry for me
Or think that I'm weak. I find that in my family being weak is so frown upon, all the women in my family have achieved so many incredible things and yet I haven't achieved anything close to what they have. After the session, I just wanted to go home instead of hang out with people as I felt so exhausted. I was invited to go to Mardi gras with my best friend as a vip, it would have been fun but I didn't want to have a big night and after the session I just wanted to rest my mind so instead I just went to the gym. It took about 30 mins for my mind to focus just on 'me time'. I don't have the kids tomorrow so I've made a list of chores and to make sure I go for a walk I've put it on my list to try and just enjoy the present...

@Appleblossom thank you for the kind words. I'm going back full time in 3 months time but will do 3 days for now. Bub has been in daycare since January, we couldn't start her in March because we will loose the spot in daycare. I feel so guilty that I had to put her in cause she's so tiny and so so angry with my husband because if he didn't waste our money and if he was good with it like before I wouldn't have to work and I could stay home with her. The. I get super mad because with his previous partner she got to stay home for years and still does even when the kids are teenagers now while I still work my butt off and actually my money is the one that's paying for their kids extra things while we still don't get to see them and my kids miss out... I guess that's another issue I need to start sorting out for myself. I'll leave it in a little box in the corner for now and will get back it at a later time when I'm ready.... I actually got a job interview next Tuesday and I'm hoping that I get it as it will be so beneficial for us because they will be so flexible with families and there is room to get into a managerial role one day. My current job is supportive somewhat but everyone is getting another job because things aren't good there. The morale is very low. I've tried over and over again to budget on what money I'll have if I'm not working and unfortunately I'm on a negative. I've tried to cut things but it still won't work so I will have to work. I'm seeing if working full time will work but my mum has been very supportive this time around. When I had my first baby I was only 21 and my previous partner was using drugs and was violent and put us in debt (used my name for a loan without my permission... Which I ended up just finished paying last year without any of his contribution) that's why I'm so protective over money... When I met hubby he wasn't like this, he took care of us and was so much fun to be with and what I really needed, I guess what both of us really needed from each other... Anyways, at the time my mum wasn't supportive of me at all when I left my first daughters dad and felt so alone, this time around she's been really good but my defenses are still so high when she critiques me on things...

You are totally right that working, studying, looking after kids, house, and everything between is more than a full time job! We're doing the best that we can in our situation but there's always the negative people
Out there that has their two cents and when I hear that it just brings me so down... I try to be positive but when they say stuff about me being a mother I just... Doubt myself... Doubt everything that I do or doing... Then feel guilty... I'm sometimes pretty good at putting emotions to the side and operate on auto pilot but I know and it has happened before that it will all spill out... These are the things I need to start working on.

@Drac0 I know he needs to figure it out and get help and I'm trying and learning how not to address the situation for him. It's only been a few days since be decided that but Sometimes it's so hard because part of my job is to support families and direct them into supported services, it's something that comes natural for me, it's embedded in me if that makes sense... Then I think I'm such a fake because all these things are happening to me right now and my life feels like it's in shambles. Last time he stopped drinking for more than 6 months and that's when he sought help on his own... And I forgot about that until I went on this forum. Then I think the families I support, I work with them through their strength and it's up to them to take up the support or not and don't tell or scream at them to try harder if they didn't take the support... That I don't really practice with him... So I am hoping I can stop myself when I have the urge to say something. But then he goes and say stuff that he wants help and support and what he wants to do so I go overdrive then after 6 days it's back to him with drinking. Then I'm shattered again and feel so betrayed and Agghh..... So I am trying to just let him be and apply the boundaries and letting him do it on his own this time around starting from now... Not sure how I'll go...

Reading about you planning on drinking and that you don't need it is just wow... I'm so blown away, I guess because this is the first time I have looked for support for me and I've never known anyone that has overcome it. I don't know anyone else who has the same issues as me, it's so taboo I guess. I sincerely thank you for sharing your story and I know my husband has a long way if ever he does decide to stop but it gives me hope with my situation and going to the group today has also made me see that I'm not the only one going through this and that made me feel a bit better for today. In the group today it was people who's family member has recovered or still drinking and that made me realise that Whatever I'm going through Right now may not be the situation later on. I know going back to work will bring a lot of things up and I'm going to look for a good gp to go to make me a referral... That's not on my to do list even though I have been meaning to put it. Let's see if I follow through, sometimes I find going to the gp such a hassle then I think tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

Thanks everyone for listening, it means so much to me. I hope I can be also supportive as you have all been in your time of need. Maybe it won't be much, but I will try.

I'm off to bed, it's quite late now here, lucky for me no baby to wake up and feed at 5:30am! But knowing my body clock I will wake up...
Night all

Sorry struggling mum ... I couldnt reply as computer not working well.
You sound very organised and supportive ... I have never successfully lived with a partner and had good boundaries. I thought I had to give my all and didnt know about appropriate limits. Adulthood seems to be learning about how to do that.
Lovely to have you at the Sane forum ... take care