@eth, I did a lot of searching into memories over a long period with my first psychiatrist, who was unconventional in his approach. My sessions with him were usually an hour in duration and involved mostly talk therapy, with some medication. He incorporated Gestalt therapy and other techniques into his therapy with me. I hoped to free myself of the heavy depression I felt through exploring these matters.
My memories were mostly very dark and related almost exclusively to childhood traumas growing up as an only child in a family with a lot of domestic violence, gambling and alcohol addiction, as well as great stress and insecurity due to poverty. I was a neglected child, despite being very loved by both my parents. I also felt abandoned by my father many times over, as he came and went at different times throughout that time.
After years of delving into and reliving these things, I came to believe that it may actually have cemented the dark childhood memories and traumas further, though in some ways it was helpful to get them out rather than locked up inside. I no longer seek to explore my dark past to that extent, focussing more on the present and realistic hope for the future.
I've said elsewhere that the closest I've come to outright psychosis is in my serious anger issues at times past when I was verbally abusive over long periods of time towards loved ones, and was sometimes prone to screaming and head banging when my rage built up inside me to completely intolerable levels. As I also said, the initiation of anti-psychotic medication stopped this almost immediately and gave me the space to work at changing my perspectives and behaviours along those lines, through my own efforts. I have had almost none of those behaviours over several years now and my anti-psychotics were discontinued this year, with no sign of a return to those damaging ways. I'm not saying I'm cured of them for all time, but it is a great relief to me and my loved ones that they have not been present for a long time now.
What I haven't said before is that there was one aspect of my mental illness that went on for over a decade in my younger years, and which might be considered an outright psychosis. It is so shameful and painful to me that I can't describe it in detail, even in anonymity on the forum. But it was basically a belief I had about abuse I thought I had experienced, which I now believe never happened. This belief locked me into a victim mentality for a long time, which I came to see is a damaging thing in itself.
Shame and guilt have been big aspects of my experience over a lifetime with mental illness. My current psychologist has helped me a great deal with this, teaching me simple and effective techniques to forgive myself, and better move forward without so much self loathing.
What I also didn't mention in my earlier post in this thread is that I have had chronic physical illness throughout my life, mainly Crohns disease. Many people on the forum are aware of this, but for those who aren't, my earlier post may have seemed to give little indication of long term hope for those newly diagnosed with bipolar.
My physical illness has been a very significant contributor to the level of disability I have experienced to this age I am now, 56. I wanted to mention this now, as those who have better physical health with their bipolar may have more optimistic outlooks over the long haul. I place a high priority now on taking care of my physical health too through regular visits to a trusted GP and specialist referrals when needed. I believe this is a very important aspect of taking care of mental health too.
After writing my earlier post, I also felt it would be positive to talk about one thing that has been a lifeline to me through mental illness: creativity. I have been actively engaged with creative pursuits since my teens and these have given me a great satisfaction and even some wider recognition for my efforts. They give me a sense of contributing to the world, despite serious disability in other ways. I would recommend creative activities to anyone as a positive way of helping ease the pain of mental illness.
