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Carer for mother in law for 20 years

BlueBaySenior Contributor25 Feb 2016, 9:02 pm AEDT

Carer for mother in law for 20 years

Hi,

I am new on the carers forum. My husband and I have his mum with us and has been living with us for 20 years. My husband is the only child and from an italian background. She is now 87 and for tghe past few years is suffering dementia. Very difficult. We have a case manager who gives us a carer once a week to take her out.

We have 3 children (24,23,20) all still at home. I have a mental illness (depression, anxiety, PTSD, sexually abused as a child memories) and all these memories came out 6 years ago. Since then my life has spiralled, looking aftger myself, my family and also looking after mother in law.

It didn't hit me that she has been with us for 20 years until last year. I couldn't believe how long she has been with us. Our married life has changed, our home life has changed, I have changbed. Since having my own mental illness I struggle to have her in our home.

Tonight we found her on her bed not able to move. Ambulance have taken her to hospital. She is still there waiting for tests, scans etc. She looks shocking, very sick. We are home at the moment as she is medicated for the pain.

Now the guilt has set in as my husband has just told me that now she can't come home; she will need to go into aged care. Even though she is my mother in law I feel guilty.

I struggle so much with my own issues, my parents not talking to me for 5 years because of my memories of being abused.

I dont know how to feel at the moment. My husband is going back later on for results of tests. I am really scared.

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In response to: Carer for mother in law for 20 years

BlueBaySenior Contributor29 Mar 2016, 12:22 pm AEDT

Re: Carer for mother in law for 20 years

It's been a month this Friday that my MIL is in a nursing home. Her dementia is not good at all, seems very confused and agitated.

I find that I struggle when I go in and see her, always leaving with tears. My husband, I feel is struggling but he never says anything. He justs says 'its for the best'. But he never sits and actually talks to me about how he is feeling with all of this.

I guess we are all grieving that she is no longer at home with us. I think the kids are adjusting okay, it doesn't seem to bother them so much. They do visit but not regularly as they work and one is at uni.

It is a huge responsibility to visit each weekend. I don't go during the week as I work but hubby goes in when he finishes work. But I know that he prefers to go in with someone and not on his own. I feel that now our weekends are taken up on driving 45mins to see her and then staying for a while then driving back home.

It's such a huge burden but it is not nice to say things like this. I guess it's just hard to deal with.

In response to: Re: Carer for mother in law for 20 years

AppleblossomSenior Contributor30 Mar 2016, 12:34 am AEDT

Re: Carer for mother in law for 20 years

I think you have probably done a lot for your MIL and are more expressive with your feelings than your hubby. Its probably best that he is taking it calmly but is a devoted enough son to visit regularly. The degree of regularity is up to you. It wouldnt hurt if sometimes it was fortnightly and you spent alternate weekends at home. Of course we like company when doing tough things, but he can probably cope as you have stood beside him a lot. Assert and meet your own needs too.

I visited my mother fortnightly, sometimes weekly when I could manage it. I wasnt confident of driving and she was an hour drive. She also had me stay over a few nights, which I liked. It was just quiet and cosy and we help hands through the night. You can only do what you can honestly do. Feeling forced in family doesnt always generate the best outcomes.

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