Carer for mother in law for 20 years

So now we just got a phone call from the social worker. She wants us at the meeting as well.

I don't think I can cope, but my husband wants me to be there.

At least the case manager knows of my depression, anxiety and abuse history. He will support me.

I am so stressed to the max, i dont want to be there at all.

I hope i don't break down but it's not looking good that i may just do that.

Right now i wish i could run away, somewhere where no one would find me.

I hate it right now. 😞

Hi @BlueBay it is understandable you are feeling anxious right now. I wonder - what types of strategies could you draw upon to bring the anxiety levels down a notch? I know that for me, if I am feeling anxious, I know I can go to the toilet for a few minutes and have a moment to myself, and take a few slow deep breaths in silence. Surprisingly the toilet cubilce can be quite a relaxing space! 🙂 Even I wonder if you could try doing some mindfulness meditation right where you are now - sitting down on a nearby chair, closing your eyes or staring at one spot in the room, and focusing on your breath for a couple of minutes. Keep posting on here if you find that a helpful strategy as well. 🙂

Hi @Former-Member

I am okay at the moment. We had meeting which went well. I broke down and told them (social worker, dr, case manager, occupational therapist) that I am suffering depression and have my own issues which will be long term. I told them I have had enough of caring, 20 yrs is too long. It has affected our marriage so much, our children lives and our lives as a family.

They then said for hubby and I to go for a coffee while they chat with MIL. With the hlep of an interpreter things went quite good. Social worker esxplained to her that she still needs nursing care and at home is too difficult because we both work. She understood that and has agreed to go into respite for 4 weeks.

We are hoping that after the 4 weeks we can then say we would like her to stay permanently.

So after 20 years of having an extra adult living with us, we will finally get our family back to being ONE family.

I reallhy don't know how to explain my feelings at the moment. I feel really sad, a bit guilty, but also happy for the future. Happy that we don't have the burden of being a carer (i hope this doesn't sound that we are selfish).

20 yrs of having an extra person in our home has taken its toll. I can't begin to explain the way I feel right now. My husband is handling it very well, he sees how I struggle with my depression and wants the best care for his mum. He now knows that she will get the care she needs and will be looked after. And also she can mix with other people of her own nationality.

So tomorrow it begins - she will be transported from the hospital to the aged care place and we can begin our life. It feels like we are staritng again, starting our married life again, that the last 20 years have been 'on hold' and now we can find our relationship again.

I still feel so sad and emotional. It's a hard change for everyone.

Today MIL was transferred to the aged care home by ambulance. We grabbed a suitcase with some clothes and things for her. We arrived after lunch and she was ok. She remembered the place where she stayed for respite. She even remembered some of the residents going up to them and saying hello which we thought was amazing especially with her dementia.

We ended up staying for coffee with the residents and had afternoon tea. We sorted out a bit more paperwork with the Manager for permanent care and left.

So after 20 years of her living with us she is now not with us anymore. Our lives will be completely changed forever. I know it is goiong to be different, but we have to think of our marriage, our children and my mental health and wellbeing. And the way it was I was not going to get better.

Lets hope that things settle down at home now, we get into a routine of just being us, hubby, me and our 3 adult children. it feels like we are starting all over again, our married life needs adjusting, our children's lives need adjusting as well. It feels kind of weird.

Glad to hear the move seemed to go so well @BlueBay, last thing you would have needed was another traumatic day. While it would be wrong to think every day will be as good for your MiL I hope she manages to settle in ok.

It's a major upheaval in the life of your family, and you are all probably a bit nervous about what the future holds. But as you already realise, this is an opportunity for you & your family to start getting your own lives back together and work through the issues surrounding you all. Time to move ahead and see where it leads you.

Hoping it all goes well!

Take care.

Update:

It's been one week now since MIL in nursing home. It hasn't got any easier. In fact it's harder. We have been to visit a few times and she is very confused. OK to be there but very confused. The clothes we brought for her from home, aren't hers (according to her). She is now saying that people are taking her things, her bag and money is missing (she doesn't have her bag or any money with her).

It is really sad to see how a person can deteriorate so quickly with dementia.

She has no idea of how long we stay with her and even if we miss a day or two she has no idea because she doesn't tell us. She is also in a shared room which she doesn't like. She wants her own room like she had when she went in for respite. Unfortunately all rooms are full and we spoke to manager but he doesn't know when a room will be available.

My husband is coping okay. He wants the best care for her as we can't look after her but still feels sad each time he sees her.

This is so hard, I never thought our lives would be so difficult. It's a challenging time at home, for us as a couple and as a family with our 3 children.

My mental health is not good, I am just not coping. I just want to stay home and hide away. And I keep thinking why. And the only reason I can think of is that while MIL was with us for 20 yrs I would not be around the house so much, especially on my day off from work. So now that she is not here I just don't want to move anywhere, I don't want to do anything - just want to stay home in my comfort zone.

It is sad about your MIL. I hope she gets a private room soon.

I can also understand your need for a haven. Home should be a place to relax too. You do deserve it, to be able to recharge your batteries.