Awareness of Women's Mental Health

Affirmations help me at times for assertiveness. I also refer to the prayer of serenity. Hope this helps a little.

@Owlunar, thanks for sharing your story and insight. Right now I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and I’m not ready to take that next step.

None of our family even know we are doing marriage counselling, not our kids, our siblings or our mothers (both our fathers have passed). I have condfided in 1 friend, I doubt my husband has spoken to anybody.

Actually, my husband leaves counselling assuming all is well in the world, we’ve paid the $$ to make everything alright, even if it has been a shitty session so life’s back to normal right? I leave most of the time wondering what the hell is wrong with me, why do I stay, why have I put up with this shit for so long. It’s exhausting putting on this “life’s wonderful” facade when I feel like I’m screaming inside.

My husband is a yes man, a people pleaser, he feels he needs to be liked by everyone, and he’ll do whatever he can to avoid conflict - even if that

means throwing me under the bus. Even our councillor thinks he’s a top bloke and that a lot of our problems stem from the way I view the world. (Which I know goes a long way toward our problems but I’m working on that too - I see this councilllor on my own to deal with sexual abuse I endured as a child)

I know divorce is inevitable, but I’m just too overwhelmed to deal with that right now.

Hi @Razzle

I hear you - I forgot to mention I had been seeing a marriage counsellor for alone for years - we started going together and she told us - among other things - that she would help us separate if it seemed to be the right thing and years after going alone I wanted to do that and she thought the marriage was worth saving

I stayed for religious reasons but even that wore out - and it does feel as if things are out of control when the other party doesn't co-operate - I can hear that

So like - I thought why go - but I guess I was getting support there but in the end it was over - the consellor and a few years later - life keeps happening and then the time might come - for me it did - when I had enough

I see now that silence is a kind of abuse - and I can see that with your husband being a people-pleaser that must make you wonder why he can't please you. I really had not thought of that before -

I still wonder why I stayed so long - the first time I left I took my 7 yo with me and if life is tough when you leave a marriage - add a kid who wants to go home, wants to go home, wants to go home - so yes - the children do have a role - she had left home and had moved in the the guy she married when I made him leave

So - to support you the best way I can right now - the time will come and you will leave when you are ready - which doesn't mean it's easy. For me getting divorced was really hard - I didn't want to break my marriage vows but in the end - it has been better

I don't think there is anything wrong with you - I have read so many stories and heard so many stories and when a man and a woman are not compatible life is really hard and I know that and I feel for you

Dec

@Owlunar Thanks for tagging me.

I would like to do the topic justice, but am very triggered at the moment, after doing some ward file work. So I need to leave it for now and come back later.

@utopia Your decision makes sense to me. Its good you have no regrets.

Hi @Owlunar thsnks for tagging me. I am getting ready for work. But i will reply as soon as I can. 😊

Thanks for the responses

@Jumpingcactus- I believe you are talking about The Serenity Prayer as your affirmation - it is indeed a great affirmation - it is possible to choose one of three things - change, accept and wisdom to know which - it makes sense to me

@Appleblossom- I am sorry you were triggered - I know this happens - tackling tough issues will do that from time to time - I will be glad to hear from you when you are ready

@BlueBay- I can hear how hard things are for you - I will be looking out for your reply later

Dec

Hi @Owlunar

this is really hard for me to write. I think that having my MIL live eith us for 20 out of the 32 yrs took its toll.

I think that the past 8 yrs since my childhood abuse came out it’s affected me mentally and physically. Also still going through menopause I have lost all interest in being intimate eith my hubby.

I feel it’s my fault because of my mental illness.

Also I have zero self confidence. No self esteem at all.

Self love is so important - that I don’t hsve either.

My psych did suggest we go counselling together but it was too expensive so we couldn’t go.

I think to make things better we need to reconnect again. Do things together (we do some things together) but maybe hsve a date night where one month I would organise snd the month after he coukd organise.

I feel thst after our kids have grown up it leaves the two of us - so we need to reconnect.

My hubby does support me in certain ways / housework shopping going out etc etc. But supporting me emotionally - no. He doesn’t know what to say or do. He thinks a tablet will fix it.

@Owlunar This is a tough one for me to look at and reply. I hope what I wrote makes sense.

Hi @BlueBay

Yes - that would have been a tough post to write and I have given it time to think through the reply - I was awake early this morning and gave it the time you deserve - as is often the case with me - but alas - I went back to sleep and woke up a short time ago with the reply firmly in my head so I hope this works for you - I think it will

First - your mother-in-law - having her live with you for 20 years had to have been a strain and I believe she is still alive with dementia and doesn't know you - this has to be tough and I remember my gran lived with us for about the same time and my mother was consumed with guilt when gran went into a nursing home and she died when I was 21 about three months later. Going through all of this would be extremely stressful for your marriage and I imagine your husband is holding a lot inside so yes - this is making life between you hard and works against intimancy. I understand

Second - your brother and others sexually assaulting you - actually perchance the Dr Phil Show yesterday was sexual assault so this is one reason I had to think so hard. I know you need people to listen and I know there are professional people working with you but something isn't being heard and if you had heard what was said yesterday it might have helped

No one can change what happened - and the degree of your anger and grief is destructive and you know this. You need the perpetrators to be brought to justice but I think it's too late now because of the Statute of Limitations but I am not sure. I think you need more than can happen now so somehow you have to let go of the anger. I can hear you btw - and I know the time elapsed because of your repression of your memories. I have experienced this time lapse myself with my mother's physical abuse - something totally outside my conscious memories for nearly 70 years returning unwanted at her funeral. I had therapy for this and although justice can never be served I have been able to lay that aside. This is so hard to do - I know this.

Being threated like trash makes you feel worthless - I hear that and I know that. But you did not ask for it and it is impossible for you to destroy your family as your mother said - your brother did that when he abused you and you could not tell your mother what your unconscious mind hid and that is not your fault either.

Third - menopause varies with every woman - you already have enough here to lessen the desire for intimacy and it gets worse with all the tension around you -

Fourth - your mental illness certainly makes everything harder but it is not your fault - you have an illness - if you had a visible injury or illness you would not be considering it your fault but no one can see mental illness and it is misunderstood. This I understand - I have had chronic pain since my early 50s and no one can see this either - but it's real

So you have no confidence, no self-esteem and no self love and these are so important.

Self-esteem is what I am writing about - something I have thought a lot about and I wonder where it comes from. My mother did everything she could to break my spirit but she could not and it never endeared her to me or me to her. I paid a huge price for fighting back but now in my later years I know it was worth it.

So I am trying really hard to work this out and work it out for you - but your post is surprisingly clear. Especially that sentence I will underline.

You are financially strapped right now and can't do Couples' Counselling - why should this be restricted to those with the cash? Not good. You will soon be empty-nesters and you want to reconnect - how will you do this - a date night might work - I don't know

I did not get to this point in my marriage - I do not blame myself for the breakdown in our marriage but it was my fault it ended because I had enough of the silence. There were many issues in play here - the death of a child has to be one of the big breakers of marriage and one or the other partner ends it and in our case it was me

It is a form of abuse to be told things are your fault and if you are not well enough to work you need time to recover and it seems those virus infections you have are severe - it's great your husband helps with the housework but terrible that he doesn't talk with you over your emotions. I have lived through that and really understand how lonely that is. A tablet rarely fixes much.

It seems you are caught in a dark and terrible place and feel no one hears you. I assure you that I do. I can tell you that none of this is your fault - you haven't caused any of it. You are a victim of abuse from your abusers to your mother and the way she treated you about it. Even now you need to keep her at arms length - as I did with mine - it is undermining to have toxic people in your life

I think - listening - you need your husband to listen and respond - I so get that - but how you will do this is not something I can answer because I told my husband to leave and I was so relieved it was over.

I feel you don't want this - if there is still love it is worth working for but how - I don't know

But thanks for replying to this subject with this sensitive material - I'm sorry it took so long for me to reply but as I said - it needed my time to reply

It's about self-esteem - I wish women had more of it - I wish you did

Dec

Hi @Owlunar Thankyou for your reply. I really appreciate it.

There is a lot to read. I’m definite in that I want my marriage to work. There are some things for improvement. On my part and def his part. I think communication on how we feel emotionally is a problem. I struggle telling him exactly how I feel. Snd he never tells me how he’s feeling.

We do enjoy each other’s company and when we’re away we always have a good time. It could be that we’re both relaxed.

I agree with what you have written.

It all makes sense.

Yes self esteem and confidence is a big one I need to work through with my psychologist.

I kniw I have a long way to go but I’m hoping that slowly eith hrlp I csn gain some confidence. I think it was all shattered by my Mum.

Sgsin thanks @Owlunar for your thoughtful response. ❤️❤️

Thanks @BlueBay

I want this thread to live so I am always thinking up something else to write so I think my next subject will be how to let go of the past and work on our future - you have given me the idea and I am getting it together in my mind

I know the past hurts only too well but it doesn't serve us well to hang onto it - yes - I know that we are likely to feel that if we stop feeling angry it will mean that it doesn't matter but it does matter and part of us will grieve over that - but I can tell you that letting go of so much has made a huge difference to me and I know that it will always hurt and sometimes overwhelm me but concentrating on the present and future has more impact - more everything

This is something to work on with your psychologist - I wish you the best

With your husband - both of you have to talk and I know that some people - men mostly - don't want to talk about their feelings - my husband was locked away in his and I don't know what it was about - I can only imagine - like other things in the past it's done with but yeah

I know that lack of communication is destructive too - I have a good idea that to get your husband to talk you have asked him about his feelings and he has pushed the subject away - he must feel terrible about his mother and afraid to examine his thoughts about it -

I get this - but how to draw him out is a loss to me - it's another subject to bring up with your psychologist

Letting go of the past is terribly hard - I really know this - but it's better - you will find yourself and your desires and dreams and wishes when you let it go - I really hope your psycholgist can help you find your future

Dec