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Shadows in the darkness

ShadowSenior Contributor23 Feb 2016, 6:56 am AEDT

Shadows in the darkness

I was recently admitted involuntarily to hospital. the psychiatrist I saw said I could either take meds or go to hospital. I have not been on meds for almost 2yrs. I told her I am not taking meds as It will give 'them' easier access to poison me. 'They' have poisoned me in the past which is what led me to go off them 3yrs ago and ended up, 4 months later, being admitted to mhu for 8 months. During that stay I was trialled on many meds and took them willingly. A month after I was discharged I stopped taking them as the spirit told me 'you know what they're doing, you know they are going to hurt you'. So I stopped all meds cold turkey with no side effects, that I can remember, and was ok, I thought. I was put in hospital for a few days here and there but think my refusal of meds and my ability to hide what was going on made them unable to legally medicate me. This most recent admission, which was only short, had me very fearful and anxious. The psychiatrist wanted me to stay another few days to 'dry out' from my codeine and alcohol addiction but I refused as I knew they were trying to torment me to lose my cool so they had reason to 'medicate' poison me. I was discharged as I kept my mouth shut and he had no reason, legally, to keep me. <br>The last hour or so I have been hammered by the spirit and whispering and really just want it to stop. In the past meds have helped but I can't risk 'them' poisoning me. 99% of the time I believe I do not need or want meds and it would be to risky to even try, but in this very moment maybe the Drs are right and there is something wrong. I feel like the shadows are putting these thoughts in my head to make me think I am 'sick' so I take meds so they can poison me, that these are not my actual thoughts. But what if they are. I see my regular psychiatrist in a wk and she has been on holidays since November and does not yet know about my recent admission to mhu. She always pushes for meds and I always refuse and she knows why I refuse. <br>I don't really know the point of this message but I am just overwhelmed at the moment and I'm sure in a few hours I will read this and think how could I think I am actually 'sick'.<br>Maybe it'll be good just to get it out and not keep it to myself. <br>Thanks for listening.

18 replies

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In response to: Shadows in the darkness

NikNikSenior Contributor25 Feb 2016, 8:44 pm AEDT

Re: Shadows in the darkness

And just to add to @Former-Member - there are some great services out there you can contact anytime. They include:

Lifeline:

phone - 13 11 14

online chat - https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat

Suicide call back service:

phone - 1300 659 467

online chat - https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/register

Or as Lj said, you can call 000 or go to a hospital.

In response to: Shadows in the darkness

ShadowSenior Contributor25 Feb 2016, 10:22 pm AEDT

Re: Shadows in the darkness

Thanks for your responses. They made me cry that there are people out there that understand the desperation I am feeling. I have reached out to lifeline a few times this past week and hospital and local mh are not an option as I cannot trust who they work for. I am going to give it time and hopefully things will get better. There are just some situations that cannot be fixed with trust or meds. I have local contact numbers if they are needed. Thank you.

In response to: Shadows in the darkness

Unknown userMember26 Feb 2016, 10:52 am AEDT

Re: Shadows in the darkness

Hi @Shadow,

I'm sorry to hear things are so hard for you at the moment. Sometimes it’s quite normal to feel like avoiding people when we’re overwhelmed and feeling like we need to pretend that everything is okay. But I’m wondering if there is anyone in your life that you feel like you don’t need to pretend with and could talk to openly? It sounds like it’s really hard to go through what you’re experiencing on your own, and like you mentioned, perhaps talking about it and getting it out there might be helpful?

I hope things are a bit better for you today. Do you think you could go for another long walk? Are there any other good strategies that you have to distract yourself that you could try today?

Don’t forget there’s always helpful services like Lifeline (13 11 14) you can call if you need someone to talk to.

Please take care of yourself today.

All the best,
supernova.

In response to: Re: Shadows in the darkness

AppleblossomSenior Contributor29 Feb 2016, 9:43 pm AEDT

Re: Shadows in the darkness

Hello @Shadow Hope things have eased off a little. I like walking too ... what was your walk like? Going bush often seemed the best way to go for me for decades. I am coming through though. Apple

In response to: Shadows in the darkness

ShadowSenior Contributor07 Mar 2016, 12:57 am AEDT

Re: Shadows in the darkness

I saw my regular psychiatrist on Thursday. She insisted on meds and involving my mum in my care plan. I refused meds and gave her the reason and also said not to contact my mum as she has never been involved in any care plan I have had. She said ' I have enough to detain you and have you taken to the hospital, but I will give you a week to think about meds and involving your mum'. I told her the answer wouldn't change and she said you know what that means. That she will force me to hospital. She made an urgent appointment, which is next Thursday, because she only works there once a week. I am absolutely terrified of going because I know she will put me in hospital and I will still refuse meds but she believes she can have me forced to take them. I'm so afraid. If hospital is my only option do I have a right to refuse to go to a certain unit or does it just depend on where there are beds? She 'believes my experiences are 100% real for me but that they are apart of my ''psychosis''. I definitely don't want to go to hospital but I am not going to take meds. Like do I lie and say I will take meds and then not take them or will she realize that and I end up there anyway. I just don't know what to do anymore. Everyone just wants to control me and poison me and I just want to run away where no one knows me

In response to: Re: Shadows in the darkness

AppleblossomSenior Contributor14 Mar 2016, 4:50 am AEDT

Re: Shadows in the darkness

I have wanted to run away too. @Shadow

I cannot help much beyond, reading and knowing that you are out there and going through a tough time and dont really trust your doctor.

It is tragic that the mental health system does not have any experimental options where medications are not forced and psychotherapy is available.

Do you have a place to live and are you managing to get decent food?

In response to: Shadows in the darkness

AppleblossomSenior Contributor19 Mar 2016, 12:31 am AEDT

Re: Shadows in the darkness

I have been thinking of you @Shadow. I wonder if you did go to hospital and how you are doing.

In response to: Re: Shadows in the darkness

ivanaSenior Contributor19 Mar 2016, 2:04 pm AEDT

Re: Shadows in the darkness

Hi Shadow,

Are you able to reason with or "challenge" your thoughts or the "spirit"?

For example are you able to ask yourself/it for what reason would "they" have to want to poison you?

It seems that "they" would receive no benefit from it so it seems unlikely "they" would have interest to do it.

Have you considered that maybe the "spirit" is the "bad one" and the one whos voice is not to be trusted and that the Psychiatrist is the "good one" who cares about you,wants the best for you and doesn't wish you any harm?

Perhaps it would be a good idea to take the medication just so you can have a rest from all the mental overactivity and help your body recover from the infections,exhaustion and being rundown?

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