Shadows in the darkness

I was recently admitted involuntarily to hospital. the psychiatrist I saw said I could either take meds or go to hospital. I have not been on meds for almost 2yrs. I told her I am not taking meds as It will give 'them' easier access to poison me. 'They' have poisoned me in the past which is what led me to go off them 3yrs ago and ended up, 4 months later, being admitted to mhu for 8 months. During that stay I was trialled on many meds and took them willingly. A month after I was discharged I stopped taking them as the spirit told me 'you know what they're doing, you know they are going to hurt you'. So I stopped all meds cold turkey with no side effects, that I can remember, and was ok, I thought. I was put in hospital for a few days here and there but think my refusal of meds and my ability to hide what was going on made them unable to legally medicate me. This most recent admission, which was only short, had me very fearful and anxious. The psychiatrist wanted me to stay another few days to 'dry out' from my codeine and alcohol addiction but I refused as I knew they were trying to torment me to lose my cool so they had reason to 'medicate' poison me. I was discharged as I kept my mouth shut and he had no reason, legally, to keep me. <br>The last hour or so I have been hammered by the spirit and whispering and really just want it to stop. In the past meds have helped but I can't risk 'them' poisoning me. 99% of the time I believe I do not need or want meds and it would be to risky to even try, but in this very moment maybe the Drs are right and there is something wrong. I feel like the shadows are putting these thoughts in my head to make me think I am 'sick' so I take meds so they can poison me, that these are not my actual thoughts. But what if they are. I see my regular psychiatrist in a wk and she has been on holidays since November and does not yet know about my recent admission to mhu. She always pushes for meds and I always refuse and she knows why I refuse. <br>I don't really know the point of this message but I am just overwhelmed at the moment and I'm sure in a few hours I will read this and think how could I think I am actually 'sick'.<br>Maybe it'll be good just to get it out and not keep it to myself. <br>Thanks for listening.