Today is my dads birthday

No I do feel frustration as well. Frustration because I can't make it all go away. I can't live my life like he is. I'm not sure if he knows, maybe because the family know it may have triggered him to remember what he did to me. I am not sure.

I do get angry at the guys that abused me; they can live their live and I am the one that is suffering, I am the one that has had 5 years of therapy, 4 admissions to a mental health unit, many times of self harm and many thoughts of suicide. I am living in torture, not them. They go on with their life and I suffer big time.

No my father retired a few years ago and does nothing. He is virtually 'controlled' by my mother. He has no friends, he doesn't go anywhere except with her when she wants to go somewhere.

I feel for him so much, he is stuck but then I am so damn angry at him becaue I think why can't he just stand up to her and call me; doesn't he love me? Why can't he stick up for his daughter. Why can't he just grab the phone when mum is not around and call me; why can't he? this goes through my mind all the time and i struggle at night to sleep because i think - what have i done to deserve this? It's so not fair

You're not a burden on here, you give support to others & me 🙂 who have gone through similar trauma as you. I hope you can get through yours. It's not easy I know.

Take care.

Yes, i feel the same @BlueBay, you described it so well. I hope your brother, uncle and neighbour remember every day what they did to you, i hope they feel some remorse for what they did.

It is such a horrible situation to be in for you and your father. i know how hard it is to deal with especially when it is bed time. i find my mind races with thoughts of the ones who did those things to me, why can i move on and why am i still locked in the same hose after 15 years without any contact of anyone.

You have done nothing to deserve this, you did nothing to deserve the abuse, you have been a victim in all this, it is all out of your control, i do hope one day your father reaches out to you.

Do you read much? i fond reading until i go to sleep helps sometimes, or if you have a smart phone you can get soothing sounds through google play or Itunes, i play them all night, some are of the ocean, some of storms, some of forests. it helps calm the mind.

Do you practice mindfullness? if you do you can get great apps that have an alarm that breaks the throught process so you can rmeember to be in the moment.

Just some suggestions.

I do hope things work out for you. for me i wil always have to live like this, isolated, alone and scared.

Jacques

Hi @Jacques

I do practice mindfulness. I also listen to relaxation music or yoga nidra on my phone. I find that walking along the beach is really good, just to breathe the fresh air, watch the waves far far away - it really is beautiful.

I am sad to read that you are so alone, isolated and scared. At times I have felt like this, just the other day. and all I could do was 'ride it through'. It is tough though, it's not easy to just ride it through especially when so emotional.

I hope that you can find some sort of relief. Do you have any support groups that you can go to? I'm glad you are on here; this forum has been really helpful to me and I hope it is to you too 🙂

I think a lot of my problems are that I tend to 'go back to me as a child'. I crave for my dads love, my mums nurturing (which I now know i will never get); i just crave for love, hugs and support. Sometimes I scream for it but I never get it. And it hurts.

I hope you have a nice day today. My kids are all out, two of the working, one out with his girlfriend. My husband has gone to see his mum in hospital (another story on Carers forum). Hoping to go for a walk later with the dog down the beach.

Talk soon, take care

Hi @Former-Member

Thanks for your support, you seem to know exactly what I am going through. You know at the beginning 6 years ago I thought I was the only one having parents like mine. No love, no support, no hugs, no nothing.

But I now know that I am not alone. I feel so sorry for you, not having contact with your dad. And yes we are 'emotional orphans' which is really sad and brings tears to my eyes.

Time to let go - how? How do I let go of so much pain, so much hurt. Abandoned by the ones that should be there for me then and now.

I do understand what you're saying in I need to not live with this anger, it is out of my control. Maybe it's this inner child in me that still wants and needs the love of my parents. I really don't know.

I do walk down the beach, I meditate and do yoga - this all helps. I am on anti-depressants to help with the depression and anxiety but I am seeing a new psych on Tuesday so we'll see what he says.

Stay strong on the inside - boy that is hard , because you know I feel like my heart is breaking to bits. I feel that even though I show at times I am strong on the outside; on the inside it's killing me.

I was reading your post to me late last night and had tears just reading what your parents are doing to you. I think you're right, my dad won't leave my mum, he will stay 'just to keep the peace with her'. I am sure he can see what she is doing and has done over the years - yet he stays. And who suffers - us kids

Take care, would love to chat again 🙂

Hi @BlueBay,

my appologies for taking so long to post, i am in a really bad headspace at the moment, i did not want to bring you down.

That is fantastic you practice mindfullness, listen to relaxation music and go for walks, you are so lucky to live near the ocean, i miss it a lot.

It is ok, i am used to being alone, i have not had a friend outside this forum since i was 19 years old, i had 3 friends at school and after my first breakdown at 19 i stopped all contact with anyone, friends, family, everyone, i have lived like this for 15 years. the only social contact i have had is 3 weddings in that time.

Sometimes this forum really helps, but this forum is the only social contact i have, mum is the only other person i talk to.

Today was ok, i was really low most of the day. i am so glad your step children where out and about having fun, i hope your mother in law is going to be ok, and i hope you managed a walk down the beach with your dog.

I think everyone craves love, wether from parents or partners, we all yearn for someone to care. my parents where not able to show physical affection, so i was never hugged now i am older i can't stand anyone touching me, so i can't show physical affection either. you need to find the love you are yearning for from your self and your family (Husband and children), by the sounds of it your parents will not change, so you will have to try to get theat support and affection from somewhere else. do you have any close friends you can confide in?

Anyway i hope things work out for you, it is a really difficult situation you are in, i feel so lucky to have family support if i want it, but from speaking to others on here, you are not the only one who struggles with parents.

hugs @BlueBay, you are in my thoughts.

Jacques

Hi @BlueBay

I can relate to the difficulties that arise when incest occurs in a family .. mothers and sons ... who are not self aware ... it could have been handled well and things not escalated in my family ... but they were not .. I tried to get help for my sister and self but it was seen as betrayal.

I also have a broken relationship with someone .. the best way I have found to deal with it is to mentally make an image of a cave in my heart as a monument to her ... but I have covered it with beautiful cloth and fabric ... the door is never locked ... but it is no longer a wound that is open and weeping ... I can talk about her now without tears.

So many good books to choose from ... I cant keep up with them ... choose the ones that resonate with you ... not only about BPD ... but just life's struggles as well ... so you dont get too focussed on the medical aspects.

Hope your beach walk was good ... what type of dog do you have?

The support on this forum can take your breath away ... or it does mine. Take care.

Hi @Appleblossom

I have a kelpie and she loves the beach, walks and playing with the ball.

I did get a chance to go to the beach today, only for a little while. It was nice just to sit there and try to relax a little.

Do you have any books you can recommend to read?

Thanks for being supportive.:)