Today is my dads birthday

Hi @Appleblossom

Do you have any suggestions of what type of books to read? I have only read books on BPD.

When I think back I now know that my mum 'controlled' me all my life up until 6 years ago. Whatever I wanted to do in my married life I would 'ask for her approval' first before telling my husband. Looking back I can see how controlling she was and still is.

That is why part of me doesn't want to reconcile again because of her controlling and manipulative behaviour. She will try again and I am scared that I will get 'sucked in' again.

At the moment, even though I am in a lot of emotional pain and alone, I don't need to see her (or my dad). But the hardest part of all of this is - not seeing my dad.

It feels like he has passed away but I can't even go to his grave to 'talk to him'. If he had passed away, well then I could go to the graveside and talk to him - but this is what is killing me. It is like I am grieving his loss but he hasn't really gone yet. (not sure if this makes sense)

I think a big part of it is that my inner child is screaming and hurting for my parents to love me, hug me, support me and just be here for me - but they're not.

You know so many people tell me how strong & brave I am, but I don't feel either. I don't feel strong at all. Friends tell me oh it's so good you can talk about it with your therapist - yes, that is true, but it is the most difficult thing to talk about - sexual abuse as a child; parents who have abandoned me, etc etc.

Hopefully one day I will become strong and be able to help others in similar situations.

But I have a lot of growing, self discovery, getting through my trauma as a child, my family, depression and BPD. So much to still deal with - I hope I can get there one day.

Strength does not come from winning,

Your struggles develop your strength,

When you go through hard ships and Decide not to surrender,

That is strength

Mahatma Gandhi

Hi @BlueBay i was nearly sexually abused as a child and i was phisically abused for over a year when i was 8, i understand how it is hard to deal with these traumatic events, i don't think they ever leave us, we just need to get to a stage of management of the events.

Wishing you all the best @BlueBay, you deserved better from your parents and better from society. It is good you have friends, but unless someone has been abused they can never understand how it feels and the impact on our lives everyday.

I hope one day you can help others in our situation.

be gentle with yourself, hugs

Jacques

Oh @Jacques I feel for you so much. I do understand what you are going through.

Thank you for sending me a hug - one back to you too!!

I struggle so much. I don't know, do you ever get past this. I still have so much anger towards the 3 guys that abused me (neighbour, uncle and brother) all at differernt times and I was the ages of 9-12 yrs old. And the one I can't get over is my brother. He is the one that I struggle with. I don't see him thank god and my parents don't know about him. They only know about the other 2. Gee if the knew about my brother - my mum would have killed me. She would have stuck by my brother and not me.

Families are so difficult at times. That's why part of me never wants to see my mum again - but i wish i could see my dad.

I am so sorry you have been violated like that, i don't think a woman can gat any worse abuse than that, i was nearly sexually assulted by a neighbour, and i was physically assulted by a nun and a catholic primary school for over a year, i still have ongoing problems leaving my mothers side now (i am 34) the last time i had a night away form my parents was 1994, she has ruined my life. Hiding abuse i a heavy burden to bear, no one knows about the attempted sexual abuse suffered. and only my parents know of the physical abuse.

It must be so difficult when it is family that has abused you, i have never experianced abuse from family, so i don't know how you suffer, but i hope one day you can put your mind at ease to know it was not your fault what happened to you, you will never forget, but i hope one day it does not control your life.

Have you thought of emailing your father, or speaking with him of facebook, etc? maybe you and him can have contact without your mother knowing?

I wish i could help you more @BlueBay, i do feel your pain in your writing, have you thought of writing a letter to the men who abused you then burning the letter. to at least get the thoughts onto paper? feel as though you have responded to them?

Just a thought. it might mbe too much pain to deal with now.

take care, be gentle with yourself.

Oh, thanks for the hugs 🙂

Jacques

I was 45 when the memories of abuse came back to me. I have sent my dad a birthday card and gift (a few years ago) but my mum sent it back, card and gift in same envelope!!

I was devastated to say the least. I then wrote a letter to my parents explaining my struggle with the abuse, depression - but again my mum posted it back.

It is a heavy burden to carry, I know that. Can't phone my dad as he doesn't have a mobile phone and if i call home she will answer. Can't facebook he doesn't even have a computer.

I did write a letter to my brother, with the help of my therapist; and I told him so much. How much hate and anger I have for him. How I wanted him dead because that is how I feel.

I have given my letter to my therapist and he has it. But even though I did that (letter) I still have this damn anger towards him, so much hate. I have written letters to the others as yet.

I think sometimes my life is so consumed by this whole trauma, reliving it, visions of it; my depression, BPD. I have so much anger that at times I feel I could do something to hurt - but then I think of my children and I can't do anything.

I'm so glad you are on here Jacques, your support has been amazing.

Yes @BlueBay, i do understand, do you find it is anger and hatred only? i seem to find it is frustration too, frustration to have not been able to stop the abuse, frustration at not being able to move on and frustration for having to live with it?

It is so difficult, does your father still work? maybe you could stop by his work place?

I am glad you wrote your letter, and you have every right to say and feel the things you feel, violation of your bodies and minds is somehting that can never be reversed, it is with us forever, do you think they feel remose for what they did to you?

I know the feelings of wanting to hurt them, i think it is a manifestation of saddness of not being able to make them feel the pain we feel every day.

I often get angry and upset that the people who abused me can just go on with their lives and i have to suffer for all of mine, it is not fair. i do understand @BlueBay, feel free to reach out to me anytime to talk about these things, sometimes it helps to reach out to others who have experianced the same things, i do understand my friend.

Thank you @BlueBay, i feel very humbled by your remarks, you are too kind. i often feel i am more of a burden on here than a help.

Jacques