The incredible shrinking life

@MoonGal

Nice one...

Hi @MoonGal - you express yourself and write so well 💞

@Former-Member, @CamilaWillaims, @Appleblossom

Thanks for connecting with me around this. Here I am a just four days later (2 weeks since reducing my meds) and after awaking at 2.45 am, in pain and mind racing, but depressed and not being able to get back to sleep I am done in. I have gone back on my usual dose of medication today. I really wanted to hang out for 6 weeks with a reduction in my anti-psychotic medication to see what I might gain in terms of motivation and improved brain (on these meds I am all foggy in the mind, find it hard to think, just overall feel oppressed). I have slid so far down since I last wrote, I was worried about myself.

It's a bind. Damned if I do. Damned if I don't. 😟
I cancelled my appointment to see my Dr on Wednesday because there is no point in going in this state and saying "I want to keep trying to not take the dose" for 6 weeks and see what happens, I can;t make it that long, my nuerotransmitters are haywire, chucked about on stormy seas. I just want to get back to stability NOW. <sigh/cry>

Loss of a seven year friendship is a big deal.

Hearing you about med reductions.

I hope you find your motivation parked behind a tree somewhere.

Thank you @Appleblossom

Yes, I think I have underestimated the impact losing my friend has had on me. I just read this in the book I am reading and it resonated...
"When considering a man's motives, remmeber you must not measure his wheat by your bushel. He might not be using the same standard at all." (Robin Hobb in Assassin's Apprentice)

I think I have been romantically blind to who my friend is in the world - I was making her into something she was not, and perhaps never will be. I projected mySelf onto her in desperation to find connection, a sense ofbeleonging and made of "us" something perhaps that wasnever there. I think my love for her was deeper than her's for me, altough we did use the words "love" in our correspondence, but in the sense it is an 'act of the will" not like a romance per se. I use romance above because I was wearing rose tinted glasses in my view of her. Now I have clear glasses on and weeks beyond the disintergration of our friendship I can see that she wasnot who I projected her to be, it is sad because we do have SO much in common. Still, better that we have fallen out and it be over, than continuing along an unhealthy relationship an unequal relationship. But I am still sad and stung by it all.

I am cleaning the bathroom today. top to bottom. Cleaning is always a great shifter of mood for me.

I feel like I don;t don;t belong anywhere. Not feeling self-pitoeus not like that, but that I am so different from everyone else that I don;t fitin anywhere. Which is partly true, if not the whole truth. Being TPD and staying at home all day is a releif on so many levels but it is socially isolating. Feeling a failure at life, andeven trying to modify medication, failed at that too. But there you are, just accept it all, acceptence is the key. Not point in ruminating on what cannot be. Eh?

@MoonGal

It sounds as if your thinking so far is productive about seeing the relationship more fully with insight. Some of that is necessary and not really ruminating.

I have tended to overinvest in relationships through need. Both in female and male-marriage relationships (only had one). Re Male "romantic" I just dont think that way.

I had a 7 year female relationship recently end that caused me great deal of grief and I was in a similar position to your description. She went back to her country and so her influence over my son has reduced. At her going away dinner. She mentioned to others at the table that I was a very talented woman, but it did not undo her treatment of me through the 7 years. For 4 years I tried to make the friendship work, but was stuck in it for another 3 years because of her relationship with my son.

I am less naive, now, and less prepared to compromise myself in both same sex or opposite sex relationships.

An interesting thing happened in my choir. The most "connections" I have is with a gay woman. She is in a committed relationship, and I am no contender in that way, but it is telling that it takes someone of that mindset to express quiet understanding ... just through a smile etc.

What do you mean by TPD?

I hope you get through med reduction and then find more energy for your creative projects. I have definite issues with high dosages cutting off my energy.

Take Care

Hi @MoonGal and @Appleblossom. Thanks for the update. Very sorry to read that you have slid down more - I have found when there is a lack of sleep in the mix, this times the weaning side effects of certain medications by 100. I also can relate to that lack of energy when reducing or coming off a medication - made it very hard for me to function. Sounds like you are having a similar struggle. Very hard to do this on our own - some do go into hospital when coming off certain medications, but like me not all feel comfortable with that or it is not possible.

So for me it took a lot longer, and I weaned off very slowly, judging the reduction and pace by the severity of the side effects. Anti-psychotics and/or benzodiazepines are a couple of the hardest to reduce or wean off completely and anxiety can be extremely high in the process I experienced with the latter, made me feel like I was going mad at the time, (I took bentos/anti-ds for PTSD and major depression at the time), but the medications although helping the anxiety were making me a zombie and that's what propelled me to come off them - this is where I found I needed extra support. Not for the faint of heart. Feeling for you and wishing for you the very best outcome for stability and good health.

@MoonGal - just re-read your post. I isolated myself at home for a year because of PTSD and can relate so well to what you are saying. It feeds those feelings of disconnection and not fitting in anywhere - the isolation feeds depression and anxiety I found. Since I forced myself out and about more, within my own limitations - building up to step outside my comfort zone, these feelings and thoughts improved a lot, but it did take time and what seemed liked constantly pushing myself to do it (still do this somewhat). But I always felt better for doing so. There are always a few that we will connect with in the world - and I found this is all I needed. It improved my mental health. I hope this helps a little. Thinking of you xxxx

@Former-Member and @Appleblossom (and @Former-Member)
Dear friends, thank you. I have stabilised very quickly again, after three days back on the usual dose. It did not ever occur to me to just go slowly say cut down by 1 quarter. I am an ALL or nothing kind of gal and it is obvious to me the cut by half the daily dose was too much. I might give it a couple of weeks to stabalise, then talk to my Doctor again, and perhaps I could try cutting down less, and see how that goes.

When I speak to my psychologist next week we are going to look at ways to get me a bit more community connected, so baby steps and finding the thing that will suit me.

@Appleblossom - TPD = Totally and Permanently Disabled, an insurance/work term, that is the result of back injury and mental illnesses for me. Living with Bi Polar, cPTSD, OCD and Anxiety, plus Chronic sensitised pain syndrome (lower back and fibro like symptoms) each one pings off the other and I can become a squirrrelly mess in no time - or be doing really well for a few days, even a week or so, then BANG - something sets me off-kilter and I am helter-skelter for weeks or months. It is very uneven and makes me totally unreliable now as an employee.

I managed okay before I did my back in, after that everything unravelled. I tried so hard to renegage in the workforce, taking casual positions - working way below my capacity - but then I would just fall over mentally and physically and each time, I lost confidence, each time I found myself taking longer to be able to pick myself up. The decison to seek a TPD payout was not taken lightly and took nearly five years to win the case. I feel that my unstructured time at home means I lean in to procrastination and hopelessness. If I CAN pick up something to give me a purpose in life that will be very good for me, but right now I just cannot think of what might be a suitable engagement in terms of a few hours volunteering, or being part of 'something'.

Thanks for sharing your experience, strength and hope @Former-Member, good to know that if one pushes a bit outside the comfort zone it pays off, I will endeavour to remember that.