The incredible shrinking life

I awake every morning, sore and weary

having tossed and turned
and dreamed of being a character

in a playstation game,
wandering about collecting
tokens and using my wand
to blast things out of the way.
I spend too much time playing'obviously.

I awake every morning,

with no thought in my head, yet

and immediately the absence

has to be filled

usually with

something sad or bad
that happened to me.
Then I push up out

of my warm bed

in my lovely home
and make coffee and roll

a smoke.
Blinking on the couch

as I top up
caffiene and nicotine
pretending I am

'meditating' but really
scrambling inside

my overly large brain
looking for a foothold

so I don't slip off a cliff and

f

a

l

l

any further down than I already am...

I catch my thoughts and

turn them around.,
turnaround. turnaround (bright eyes)
and wonder what I will do today

besides the washing, the dishes and

vacuuming.

The weather has been cold and rainy
but I like that, I like it too

when the sun cracks out of the clouds and

illuminates my lounge room

with golden light.
Or flashes through the crystal
hanging outside the window

refracting rainbows around

the lounge room

a whirl of colour and movement.

Better than drear and grey.

I am sad and lonely

broken hearted over a freindship that

went horribly pear-shaped

a month ago when

I spat cross words at a friend
who was with all reasonable assessment

saying soemthing hurtful

but that had I had my boundaries on tight

I would have let slide

through to the keeper.
It escalated unbelievably on both sides

and I am now without that friend.
I didn't have many to start with
so her loss is a big loss.

I went to see my psychologist today
I was very intellectual and controlling

the conversation

so much she remarked on it

and then I broke.

D

o

w

n.
And cried, a snotty, teary, sobbing mess.
I feel so alone.
I have such a beautiful partner

My wife, my life.

She works

and I am now at home

Totally and permanently disabled,

but my mind flies free

somedays.

I lack friends, motivation
and the life I had before
where work was a chore

but at least I had others to

laugh with the incidental relationships

talking, sharing...
All gone now.

Social media is all I have really
and it is so fraught,

it is where the split up happened.
I had never met her, that friend
we had talked for seven years
seven! and then over an argument

it is gone.

I dunno - my life is outwardly so good
I have a home, enough to eat
a warm special home
with dogs and a woman who loves me and

who I love.

But here I am with fabrics to sew, bu I can't be bothered
and blank canvas to paint and I can't be bothered

a a book to write and I ... can't be bothered.

I have seeds to sew, and a garden to play in
but can't be bothered.
I am feeling the lack of any point to my life.
But not suicidal, don't worry.
Not Me. I have been here forever
feeling pain and strain
and haven't done it yet.

(that 'yet' is not a cry for help)

I have reduced my meds in the
hope of picking up some motivation
and I am astounded already
how different I feel
but I am

S
l

i

d

i

n

g

Down a rabbit hole. A burrow.
My psch made a special appointment for me

in two weeks time instead of four

so we can talk about

how to get me socially engaged.
I can't be bothered.
I don't want to meet new people.
And have to pretend I'm okay.
Or worse

meet new people
and through anxiety be kurt

or sharp and runaway,

runaway.

I know it is odd to

have written this in this form,

but

this helps me process

in a different way.

So, here I am I am,

not lonely per se
rather feeling

like an alien...

outerspaced.

Moongal. Moodgal.