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Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

EmmelleCasual Contributor10 Feb 2016, 6:39 pm AEDT

Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

Hi all,

I am seeking some advice and support from families who have a loved one suffering from paranoid personality disorder.

i am 25 years of age and I have watched my family endure hardship as a result of my dad's severe delusions. Most of which has been suspicion around my mother being unfaithful (with everyone). There is a sense of ownership where he controls every aspect of her life. As a result they now work together, same hours, same breaks, go home same time and never separate as a result of his mistrust. Whilst my mum shrugs it off and doesn't like to worry me, she often gets upsets and talks about her helplessness of the situation.

Paranoid personality disorder is what my dad has as he fits all the descriptors. Possessive. Paranoid if everyone. Everyone is out to get him. He believes his phone is bugged and that cameras are constantly taping him and recording him speak. Even at home.

I find my dad is good and then falls back into this vicious cycle every fortnight. More recently it has become more regular and more intense.

For my dad to seek advice would be a miracle. He does not socialise nor does he believe there is anything wrong with him. When we try to get him to understand the situation he thinks we are "in on it too".

As I get older I feel more responsible for the wealth fare of my mum but feel helpless that there isn't anything I can do. Whilst I am a first generation Australian my parents are not so talking about this "looks bad for our family" thus counselling isn't an option for my parents.

if anyone has gone through please respond and let me know what strategies work for you? Or if there is a family support group for paranoid personality disorder I would love to part-take and learn more.

regards

16 replies

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In response to: Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

CherryBombSenior Contributor10 Feb 2016, 8:24 pm AEDT

Re: Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

Hi @Emmelle

Welcome the Forums.

It sounds like your father's behaviour is taking a toll. Can I ask how long have things been like? You mentioned that he won't seek help? Does this mean he has not been formally diagnosed? I ask these questions because I wonder if it might be something else. Paranoia can be a symptoms of many things, from degenerative diseases and other types of mental illness. So it might be helpful to get him assessed.

I know that you mentioned that your parents are pretty resistent to counselling. Would they be open to seeing a GP? This can be a great place to start to get an assessment.

You might find that Spectrum is a good resource. The specialise in personality disorders.

Though I can't think of anyone, but @waves, who cares for someone with PPD (who you've already contacted), it seems like there are common experiences that you share with others. @nicole221087 has written here about caring for her father, whose condition seems to worsening with age, and @Jane1 has written here about growing up with parents with mental illness. I wonder if they can provide some advice?

CherryBomb

In response to: Re: Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

wavesContributor10 Feb 2016, 9:05 pm AEDT

Re: Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

I wish I could help... My son suffers from paranoia and all I can do is get him out to take a walk... nature helps... also NOT listening to media helps... Classical music helps... whatever is soothing, calming, positive that your father enjoys.. might help... but it is not long term

If counselling is out, do try your GP. Maybe he or she can convince them that counselling and/or therapy might help.

And take time for yourself to do the things you like. Remember it is not your fault. And you may not be able to change it.

In response to: Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

EmmelleCasual Contributor11 Feb 2016, 5:30 am AEDT

Re: Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

Hello there,

Thank you so much for your prompt reply.

Yes that is correct my dad hasn't been diagnosed, those who even since I was little (kinder) I recall these "episodes" would happen to a similiar degree (paranoia around my mum). This it has been apparent for over 20 years. upon reflection I have noticed that over the years it goes and comes back. Typically my mum has always been his main area of concern of which most of their marriage he has been like this. However, about 6-7 years ago, his attention diverted to a manager at work who he was "100% sure was out to get him and destroy his career". Therefore most of his obsession was to catch his manager to prove that he was in fact sabotaging his career.

My dad's reasoning has worsened over the years thus trying to talk to him is no longer effective, even as his little girl. Previously with a simple visit and a talk he would seem like he understood that his ideas and actions were not ok. Nowadays he barely wants to pick up my calls (we live a far distance from each other but get regular fortnightly visits). When he does visit he will pretend everything is fine and when it's raised he will think I'm in on it too and that I'm siding with my mum who "is cheating with everyone and anyone". It breaks my heart to see my parents like this and the impact it is having on my own life is becoming a little more difficult now that I have a career I have worked for. Often when my parents are fighting or when dad has an episode at work "screaming, calling names, hearing things", my mum calls me so I often drop everything and visit. Meaning I need to take time off work and often feel helpless when I arrive. This cycle seems to becoming more frequent and more regular.

I have looked into counselling in Melbourne for myself to understand personality disorders more but having researched online, it does sound like a difficult process given my dad doesn't feel anything is wrong with him.

Thank you for listening.

In response to: Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

EmmelleCasual Contributor11 Feb 2016, 5:48 am AEDT

Re: Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

@waves, thank you for your reply.

My dad is a workaholic and takes great pride in his work (until recently). Nowadays he doesn't enjoy working and hates going. Thus I find his most of his triggers or episodes start at work.

I try to relax and calm my dad more by taking them out when I see them fortnightly. This is often lunches, dinners out or simply hanging out with them which they enjoy. However it's the time when it is just mum and him that seems to almost always go sour. I just don't understand how two weeks can change so much.

Has your son tried any medication or counselling? Is he aware he has the disorder and is he open to talking about his symptoms?

My dad is 54 years old so trying to get him help is a little more difficult.

How does your family cope with the disorder? Sorry I'm asking a lot of questions, I haven't met any other families who have gone through this so its nice to know there is support here.

In response to: Re: Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

wavesContributor11 Feb 2016, 9:09 am AEDT

Re: Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

Yes he's tried counselling BUT he doesn't stick with it.

His paranoia is tied in with depression and anxiety...

He has been on anti-psychotic medication but said it didn't work and made him tired all the time.

He is now on an anti-depressant... helps a little.

MUCH harder I would think with a father. Does your father have angry outbursts? then perhaps he would be agreeable to anger management and that might help some of the symptoms if not the underlying cause.

In response to: Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

LilyContributor18 Feb 2016, 1:23 pm AEDT

Re: Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

Hi emmelle,
Im sorry that you are having to look after and worry so much anout you parents, it's not ideal. Your parents are lucky that you do care about them both so much when I'm sure you have many other things in your own life you would rather think about.
I'm in a similar situation to your mum, it's helpful reading your point of view as I am very concerned about the effect of witnessing my husbands behaviour might have on our children and any effect it may have on their ability to have healthy relationships themselves when they get older. Has your dads illness had any effect on your own personal relationships?
I was lucky with my husband that he accepted the fact that everyone around him was saying he was not mentally well, and agreed to get help, which was actually quite difficult, it took probably 5 or more different GP, hospital emergency room, psychologist visits in which he was continually assessed as being fine. I finally contacted the right organisation who did help and recognised he needed urgent help m, thankfully and he was prescribed anti psychotic meds and it has helped him a lot.
I wish there was a way your dad could get that kind of help too.
I wish you the best of luck with your situation, and hope you find a lot of happiness and freedom in your life and don't continually have to worry about your parents.

In response to: Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

CarlachrisSenior Contributor08 June 2017, 10:31 am AEST

Re: Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

Living with someone and being married to them with ppd is very lonely at times and very hard. I get isolated by his illness but it is definitely cyclic in our case.

In response to: Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

EhmelleCasual Contributor03 Feb 2018, 9:35 am AEDT

Re: Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

@waves sorry I haven't been active on this post for a while now. How are things improving with your son? Has there been any development with his receptiveness to support or his medication?

It has been over a year since I posted on here and to be completely honest; my family are seeing signs of my dad's PPD worstening. He is having more frequent outbursts (4 times a week is the norm) whereas back in the days I would say it would have been once a week. On his days off he is 70% of the time our 'normal' dad who is social, funny, caring, loves being with family and gardening. 30% of the time he is this different person who is silent, withdraws from the family, spends time in his room, emotionless when we speak to him as if his mind was somewhere else.

This past year has been a challenging one for me and my family. Rather than continually reiterating his need for professional support when he has his paranoid meltdowns; we have learnt to now remove ourselves and my mum from those situations to let him cool down but also to reiterate that his behaviour and terrible language (accusations of affairs and name calling) is not ok. This seems to be working. The cooling off period is typically 12 hours and by the time we return, he has typically cooled down by then and will stay in his bedroom. We dont know if this is him realising his own behavious and feeling remorseful or whether he really isnt aware of his PPD.

Can someone please share their experience with PPD? Is your loved one aware of their behaviour or outbursts post event/episode or is this completely removed from them? The psychologist once mentioned that part of the disorder is that lack of awareness of their behaviour but I feel at times he uses his disorder to manipulate his behaviour so there are no consequences. He can literally have a full melt down in the morning screaming; crying, name calling and 12 hours later, be completely fine, chirpy, social and acting as if everything is fine. I feel really sorry for my mum who bares 99% of the paranoia. All are directed at her because his paranoia is around her cheating with anyone whether it be randoms of the street, at a supermarket, family, friends whoever!

It is draining and exhausting needing to constantly drop work without notice to go home and look after my dad because he is having a meltdown, or he might have a meltdown and call me when im.in the office crying because my mum is 'having affair'. This has been hard and I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks at work. My psychologist says it is me constantly worrying about my parents and feeling helpless at work.

Any suggestions on how to stop this cycle would be greatly appreciated. For a dad who wont seek help; we are left with no other option than to admit him if his episodes worsten. This will be the last resort as psychiatric care is against our cultural norm (non western family) so I know there will be backlash from our extended family.

M

In response to: Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

EhmelleCasual Contributor03 Feb 2018, 9:53 am AEDT

Re: Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

@Lily thank you for your message. How is your husband's PPD development been now he is on anti- psychotics. I hope things have improved for you and your family since the last time we wrote.

My relationship with my dad has become more strained. As a 28 year old woman, I find it hard to tolerate the terrible accusations he makes about my mum having an affair and the name calling. I find it hard to not protect my beautiful mum from all of this and have tried repeatedly to just get them to separate as my mum has grown to become bitter (through no fault of her own) just by constantly being accused of being unfairful. I know this would be lonely and exhausting as she has dealt with this for over 30 years. I would say my mum deals with it the hardest as she is torn by 'saving face' from a cultural perspective so doesnt feel comfortable sharing with her siblings, and feels it would be too embarressing to divorce my dad. My sister and I continually encourage my mum to speak up and to feel it is ok to leave my dad. As this is a weekly cycle; the 30% of the time my dad is normal again, she somehow forgets about all the crap she has put up with during the week. This is on repeat every week.

Thankfully I have the support of my beautiful husband to get me through this. We are living with my parents until our house is built so it has been hard for the both of us living under the one roof. Hard to switch off from constantly being in the carer mode. This is hard for our marriage but hubby is patient, thoughtful and always helping me calm my dad when he going through an episode which helps. Feels less lonely.

Were there any support groups that you attended for PPD that was helpful for you? How have your children adjusted to your husband's PPD?

M

In response to: Re: Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

CarlachrisSenior Contributor03 Feb 2018, 7:07 pm AEDT

Re: Paranoid personality disorder - through the daughter's eyes

I adore my husband but when do you say enough. I can’t answer that. As we speak my darling is going through the same crisis, episode outburst whatever.....I’m tired. I can’t reach him today. Swings and roundabouts blame me for not understanding his babbling nonsense the accusations the mixing up of what I have said to suit his purposes of demoralizing me. Very very similar to your dad. The intensity pulls me into his void and I have to continually somehow someway recover. I’m very ....so very very tired of being owned by his mental health. I feel blackmailed and alone. My husband is medicated and has been for 30 yrs. I have begged him to take more as he is allowed to do and he is falling asleep. Then come the apologies, the insecurity, the suffocating behaviors trying to pre think my thoughts. Then more apologies more mania then finally some form of peacefulness but never quite fully happy. Till next time. He knows it’s breaking my spirit and we have a new phsychologist to meet in 3 wks because I again begged him to seek help as he is willing to do. I can’t carry another human anymore. It’s all encompassing. I wish my darling son from a previous marriage ( your age) could help but I hide it from him. He knows the basics but not the depth of how bad it gets. Your mother has you and your sister and that must be a blessing. We are alone together. I am his only. If he succeeds in breaking me he will have no one. Medication is my only key for him at the moment. Hugs to you and yours.

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