Soul Pain of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Hey @outlander.

Sorry I haven't been around, I don't check the email account much that this website is linked to and I disappear a bit when I'm trying to cope with my mental health and family stuff.

I'm going through some rough insomnia at the moment, muddled, making lots or mistakes, getting confused and stuff mixed up, wrong names for everything, I become so sleep deprived that I have to take a couple of hours whenever I can get it, even if its at an odd time and then be awake all night. Trying not to hit the panic buttons but it is hard when your brain has memories burnt in what incessant insomnia can do to a girl. I'm also experiencing more depression, which would you believe is quite new for me. My shrink thinks this is a good thing. He said this week "I'm noticing that you're really shifting out of the dissociation now and moving into the next stage of your recovery, depression". Great. Wonderful. Sounds like a recovery to me. Don't get me wrong he is a wonderful man, but I'm hardly 'looking forward' to it.

I hope you are well yourself @outlander, and that your family isn't stressing you out too much. It isn't easy being a carer and everyone starts to take you for granted. You become the trusty old boot under the bed that everyone is so used to relying on that they don't even notice what you do anymore. It's hard.

I guess I better get off this screen. It's such a terrible habit to grab the laptop or the phone when you can't sleep. I know the light isn't good for me. I will try and read my book.

Good night matey

Corny xxx

Thsnks @Corny

ive just had a conversation with my mum and she wants to see me next week “to talk to me”. I have a feeling she is going to ask me did my brother sexually abuse me. I’m so scared overwhelmed anxious I think I will tell her. I’ve kept it a secret from my parents fir 8 yrs but I think she knows.

But im crying because I’m now worried about the consequences. If it was like the first time I told her she yelled abuse at me and I walked out and we didn’t talk fir 4 yrs.

im so upset I can’t think. I am scared thinking of the outcome.

Next Thursday is when she wants to come.

@Zoe7@Faith-and-Hope@Shaz51@outlander

OMG @BlueBay of course you are scared.

This is precisely one of the problems isn't it that survivors face.

The public perception, and the perception of people who have not been abused, always imagine an older, agressive male known to the family but not related by blood line when they think about child sexual abuse and sexual assault.

But that is rubbish. Other minors, siblings is very common, cousins, mothers, aunts, grandmothers, sexually abuse as well, or groom the victim and hide/defend the perpetrator.

Chose the timing carefully @BlueBay, be really, really careful. I would be getting medical/health supports in place to go to post-conversation. Or invite your Mum to the appointment with you. I get goose bumps when I think about other people opening that box. Not because anything terrible is going to happen to you, but it broke my brain, literally, and the emotions only became more intense........I'm not saying don't tell your Mum, it might be exactly what you need. Just don't go it alone.

I'll be thinking of you.

I have hardly slept all night so not great at the moment.....

Corny xxx

Hi @Corny and others on here

had a terrible nightmare last night. Nightmare about Thursday seeing my Mum and her wanting to talk to me.

Found out some terrible stuff about one of my abusers today. I’m so upset. I’m scared things are going to get worse emotionally for me.

But if she asks me about if a certain person abused me I’ll tell her. I’m tired of hiding it. But st the same time I am so scared.

Not thinking properly tonight. Been crying this afternoon 😥

Hey @BlueBay,

I hope I didn't frighten you, or make you change your mind.

My experience, will most likely not be yours. My bloodline is.......'special'......'extreme'.....'genetically predisposed'......what ever the hell you wanna call it.....I was always destined to be a spectacle in one way or another.

Public breakdowns are always awful, but until you have one yourself......we all judge.

You seem like you are heading towards an admission to your Mum, if you want to or not, it has momentum now and who the hell am I to stop you.

I completely understand, and can relate to the 'Burst & Break'.

And Burst again, and Burst again, and then some! No need to explain. I still have 'bursts and erruptions'. Like the geyser in Yosemtie. People just don't get the randomness and uncontrollability of it...... until you live it.

Frontal lobe lobotomies all round.

Outbursts that leave the family scratching their imbecilic brains, given what's happened, and how long you have swallowed it, are completely normal. They are the freaks to expect that this process is polite and quiet.

They won't shock me @BlueBay. It's easy for me to sit on this lounge and say that.....but we have been pressure cookers for years, wouldn't you agree?

Just because our rawness is inconvenient to those around us, does not invalidate our experience.

Get those health professionals in place with regularity.

We simply cannot do it alone. Nor should we.

Corny xxx

Thanks @outlander you are so sweet.

My insomnia is the pits. It's my 3rd week now, only Itruly know how I am going inside.

As time passes, I talk less and less.

I can't take the BS advice dished out to me by people in trendy gym gear to breathe deeply.

My doc means well. He is amazing. But Bipolar is in my family.....so now that the depression and the insomnia are pairing.......it's hard not to panic. You can get schizophrenia or Bipolar at any age, I'm not an idiot, I read......

Big hugs to you @outlander. Stay warm and cosy.

Corn Dog xxx