Soul Pain of Childhood Sexual Abuse

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience of childhood sexual abuse @Corny

Trauma tends to defy our attempts to put words to it and the English language absolutely cannot capture the complexity and enormity of the human experience. Language is always a mere representation of the experience itself and all we can do is try and find a vocabulary, as best we can, that approximates our lived experience.

I'm just going to drop in a link to the Blue Knot Foundation in case you're in a space where you'd like to connect with some more support.

Look after yourself @Corny Keep trying to find the words and keep reaching out.

I am so sorry for what has happen to you @Corny.

Just remember it was not your fault

The feelings you feel are real but the shame is not yours just remember that please

You deserve to have an amazing life and please do whatever you need to do to heal

I am here if you ever need to talk or want some company

Thank you @Former-Member and @oceangirl, for your kind words.

I try to never be glib, about posting on such an intense topic. I know it is divisive, because it is so prevalent, and we all wish to forget.

Some days I can't even stand thinking or talking about it myself, I just wish it would go away.

And yet it spills over, and can be blurted out inappropriately at times. Most definitely when I have a bad night, with memories and when I can't sleep.

I guess, realistically, it will always be my shadow.

Thanks for your understanding, it means a lot to me.

Corny xx

My absolute pleasure @Corny

I understand about having bad nights and not being able to sleep.

I truly hope you find the right people for you, and that you're able to raise above the shame you feel, I think that is the key. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You're a survivor and it takes courage to share like you have. You're on the right track...

I'm sorry @outlander that you were abused. No-one knew about mine for years.

I know what you mean when you said, the pain is unbearable at times.

I guess the truth is, for me, the fact that I am feeling the pain is a sign of change.

I was a numbed out zombie most of my childhood.

I hope you get some sleep tonight

xx

Thank you @oceangirl

I do have a wonderful psychiatrist, I have been very lucky there.

You're exactly right it is a lot about the shame. My abusers wife knew, and she groomed me to ensure I remained silent. I feel this second part is just as painful, if not more than the abuse itself. That women stole a piece of my soul.

I will do my best to put one foot in front of the other. I know that the grief of it all, like all types of grief comes in waves. It can wash over you so intensely in the most ordinary of moments.

Thanks again

xx

Hi @Corny

I understand what you’re saying and feel for you. Hugs. I was abused as a child and the memories only came back 8 yrs ago when I was 44 yrs old. I had suppressed it all those years.

I have a caring psychologist who is working with me through the trauma.

I just wanted to let you know that I’m here for you if you need to chat.

Tske care xx

I'm sorry @BlueBay for your abuse. Its very common that people don't have memory recall until later in life. I'm glad you have a good psychologist, it's hard to find a good one.

I think what's scary for me is while I have definitely improved since my breakdown, my symptoms are changing. My shrink asks me about my symptoms and for the last approximately 6 months my dissociative states have really started to go. It has been the weirdest experience living in a head without it. But what my doctor is worried about is that it will be replaced with depression. When I had memory recall I would swing back into dissociation, but now they are flowing freely without and I am noticing symptom changes and I can feel myself sinking into a bad depression. I hate it when Dr's are right.

I feel like it's not only memories that come back, but felt inner states. It's like when I broke my brain, it opened this other part where the condensed loneliness and alone-ness I felt my whole childhood is now a regular inner state. I'm finding the inner states are more intense, the feeling of humiliation is unbearable some days. My family just don't get it. All the elders in my family are very aloof, including Mum when it comes to lack of affection. I haven't had one hug from any of them since it all came out. It's so humiliating and just makes me feel so worthless.

I regret telling my family. To stop my vicious loops and dark thoughts, I find that I have to limit contact with them to keep myself safe. Regardless of the abuse, my family makes me feel dispensable 99.9% of the time. My friends just don't understand that, and say very naive things, they shame me for my reactions, for cancelling family engagements or just not going, and that only adds to the loneliness, and then I withdraw form them. It's just a vicious cycle.

I just feel tormented by my abusers.. It's like they've locked me into this repeatitive holding pattern and there is no escape from this body.

I see my shrink this evening for my weekly appointment. I've got this black boot polish rings around my eyes from lack of sleep, I look terrible.

Thanks @BlueBay

@oceangirl

@outlander

@Former-Member

Hey @Corny

I so understand the loneliness and family not caring. When I told my mum all I got was verbal abuse and yelling. After I got up and walked out my parents never spoke to me for 4 years. I too never get hugs from my family. I crave fir them. It hurts. Now I talk to my parents but it’s a strained relationship.

Hope your session goes well with your psych ❤️