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Eating disorder

quietscreamsSenior Contributor08 Feb 2016, 8:14 pm AEDT

Eating disorder

Hi, I'm so overwhelmed. Is there somewhere to go to meet other parents who have a child with an eating disorder? I live in the south eastern suburbs. Also is there any information sessions available to us carers?

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In response to: Eating disorder

TwiningsSenior Contributor26 Feb 2017, 9:01 am AEDT

Re: Eating disorder

Hi quiet screams

This is a bit late to your post so I hope youve been able to seek out some help. I'm at the start of this journey with my young adult. I too have been seeking out help and information, anywhere. EDV runs workshops for the person affected by the ED as well as others for the carer. I've signed up for one next week in the eastern suburbs. And I've rang their help line twice. Having experienced caring for a child with anxiety and depression, this really is a whole new ball game. I thought I was strong, but I'm fading. I thought I could love unconditionally, but I'm struggling. Its amazing how you start to question your own self, and then that takes away from the pot of energy you need to to support that individual who is in such a bad place they feel the only answer is to starve themselves. As with any mental illness, it is a sad, sad condition. But lets keep in touch and let off steam and meet with other people who can truly empathise with each other.

In response to: Eating disorder

quietscreamsSenior Contributor26 Feb 2017, 10:37 pm AEDT

Re: Eating disorder

Hi Twinings

I haven't been on this site for so long. Much has happened but time has stood still.
I know how you feel. I'm a very strong person but my strength has wained a lot. I've questioned my whole being, as have counsellors a plenty.
I have learned a lot though. I look at people so differently now. I realise that I used to judge others when I didn't realise I did. I've always had high empathy but now it's higher.
My tolerance is low at the same time. I lack tolerance and empathy for those who judge and lack understanding and respect for others. That includes family who have sabotaged my daughter's recovery from lack of understanding, not respecting our advice and trying to force food on her. Our getting together with family has diminished because of this. Our support has suffered also.
But I have learned that this is what we need - time without interference of others. Just to be "us" as a family.
We take each day as it comes and don't push her with anything. We accept.
We have found that she's eating better than she was. It's not perfect but I'll take it.
She also is doing a dbt program which she says is what helps the most.
There's times when we are flat out with appointments and times when she won't go and barely leaves her room.
I have learned also that it's the sensitive ones who can become this way. The ones who bottle everything up inside them and feel everything around them. They feel too much. The depression makes the feelings negative so they want to feel numb towards everything. No eating, gives a sense of numbness.

Now and then, I see my beautiful young lady before me. The lovely, kind and mature young lady. Other times I see the immature bratty kid who is rebellious and can be nasty. I see more of the lovely young lady these days and less of the bratty side.

I don't know if it's too early to say that there's improvement and I don't want to jinx myself because everything can change in an instant but I'm hoping this is the start.

I found a beautiful counsellor who has helped me so much. She's just a local lady. I found others didn't help. This lady has a heart of gold. She's very gentle and let's me ramble as long as I need to. I think we all need something to help, no matter what it is. We can't do this alone.
My hubby and I are better than what we were. The pressure was too much before and we weren't on the same page. We are now.
It's been more than four years for us. I don't know how long your struggle has been for but I hope you get some comfort in what I write. I have found that there are so many people like our daughters - too many. I still am shocked.
I also have learned that this condition is because of something far worse. So is the depression and anxiety. It's ptsd. The eating disorder is a symptom.

Stay strong. You are not alone xx

In response to: Re: Eating disorder

TwiningsSenior Contributor27 Feb 2017, 8:55 am AEDT

Re: Eating disorder

Thankyou for your post. You covered just about every issue and concern we are facing at the moment. This condition has been with us, gradually building in momentum, since Christmas. Didn't even know it was amongst us until we came back from a short break in January (first one without any children) to find my daughter a walking skeleton. We wouldnt have even gone away if we knew.

I'm lucky with my husband. We have always been on the same page. My concern is for my other children (also adults). My eldest is struggling and refuses to come home sometimes because she wants to avoid the situation. That makes me sad as she had a great relationship with her sister. I know everyone deals with things differently, but I'm even sadder that she feels she can't talk to me and express her feelings. It is so important in my mind to keep the family together and communicating no matter what crap is going on, because that also gives me the strength to keep going. My other daughter has been amazing. She tells me she can't understand what her sister is going through, and doesn't know what to do, but she still engages with her on a 'normal' level when the opportunity presents itself. I want my other daughter to know she doesnt have to seek all her support from elsewhere. I guess I will have to wait until she wants to have that conversation.

Your comments about family were so pertinent. On both sides here there is a complete lack of empathy, except for one beautiful sister in law who has gone through her own journey. I would never in a million years leave my children to deal with this sort of stuff on their own. Even a quick visit for a cuppa and a light hearted chat would be appreciated. I know there would be no understanding about the condition and it might be scary to see what is happening to her, but just to have that support would mean alot to me.

Could you explain what dbt is? No chance at the moment that she would agree to anything but its always good to know what is available.

I think we are dealing with ptsd, although no one seems to want to say it. And it is a direct result of a school system (one supposedly based on compassion and empathy) having no idea how to deal with kids who dont fit the mold. I have a letter drafted that I will one day send to both of my daughters schools and let them have it! I work in a primary school and I know that there are going to be so many more children going through with the system with mental health issues. They cant keep on telling kids to find some where else to go.

Thankyou for sharing your story with me. I'm sending all my best wishes to you and your family xx

In response to: Eating disorder

quietscreamsSenior Contributor27 Feb 2017, 12:04 pm AEDT

Re: Eating disorder

Hi again Twinings

Similar to us where I was out of action for a year with a broken neck. I woke up to a mess.
I agree about the school system. Downright bedlam and no help at all. I had her seek help with school welfare to no avail. She didn't finish school. Dancing was a major issue as well.

We have also been a close family. Very much in tune with each other. I'm also so sad that she can't confide in me. We were attached to the hip prior to this. She used to speak to me but I only have snippings now. She doesn't tell me about the ptsd and has denied and hidden it from us but we have been told by professionals. We don't know what happened. Our older child moved out. It's very difficult for anyone to have a relationship with the person with this disorder but we all try. We love her to bits.
My hubby and I were always close but she worked us against each other for a while. Our stress was too much to bare so we got wobbly but are back on track now. We need each other and need to be together to help her and our family.
My sister has been great but not all other family members. It's a shame but they are still there. They just have to step aside while we cope. I find friends more helpful. I've just kept in touch with a few and that's enough. I don't go out much anymore anyway.
I know what you mean about no empathy for you or her. It's so sad. People don't understand. They think "bratty teen" or going through a phase. They don't understand the impact on you. They don't know what to say or do. They blame the parents. They say things like "That's from your side of the family, not ours". They want to blame someone. Some want to take over and think they will do a better job than us. Unless you have had this journey or similar, you have no idea, literally.

We were told by different people that our daughter is not like this because of us but has the ability to get better because of us.

.....remember that. It helps me.

The dbt program is mainly for borderline personality disorder. It's not a personality disorder in the sense that it seems though. It's having an askew way of thinking. Confusion and negative thoughts. Not able to manage her emotions - all over the place. Mood swings and the like. They do mindfulness and other things, in a group setting. They also see a Psycologyst along with it, at the same place. They have to be ready for it. It's hard for them. It's full on. We went for 3 years beforehand.
She's been in and out of hospitals and other programs but this one is either the best or she's ready. Maybe both.
We've also had two deaths in the family in the last 18 months, which have made things worse for her as well as one when she was younger. It affected her more than we knew.

You just have to keep going and trying. There's no other way and you have no choice. Some take longer than others. Some are more chronic than others. Some are more secretive than others.

I never thought that I would ever be in this position. My child was quiet but bright, creative and bubbly when she was comfortable. Very articulate and was doing advanced subjects at school. Her psychiatrist said she's more intelligent than most and he's right. She has so much going for her but doesn't see it. I just live in hope. It's all you can do.

Take care. I wish we could have that coffee together. Lol. But find a friend or have one with your sister in law. It's important xx

In response to: Re: Eating disorder

TwiningsSenior Contributor27 Feb 2017, 1:41 pm AEDT

Hi @quietscreams I'm seeing quite a pattern with alot of...

Hi @quietscreams

I'm seeing quite a pattern with alot of the posts I am reading. Good people, close family, bright and intelligent kids, carers stoic resolve which I liken to the duck...calm on top of water, but paddling like mad underneath! What is going on?? You'd never wish this on anyone, but I often question what is happening in our society that is causing all this pain amongst our young folk, and is so indiscriminate in who it targets. Why is it that one family can experience trauma and there are no lasting effects, and then others like yourself, who have had far more than their fair share, are still dealing with it.

As you mentioned, it is the change in the relationship you have with your child that is often the most painful to deal with. But to remember I guess that they are not choosing to be like this voluntarily is some consolation.

Thanks for all the advice. Much appreciated. xx

In response to: Eating disorder

quietscreamsSenior Contributor28 Feb 2017, 8:37 am AEDT

Re: Eating disorder

Yes Twinings that's it in a nutshell.
I blame society with its introduction to social media. How many adults do we know, who feel low and look on Facebook and are jealous of others who are having fun? Imagine what that is like to a low teen or child. This would be devastating. I've seen how adults act from things on Facebook. It's bad. Facebook has caused lots of conflicts and problems amongst family and friends - adults. Everything is magnified with the young. They see a warped view of reality and think their life fails by comparison. People only put up the best, not the worse. It's fake.
Plus they go on social media in the night. There were lots of discussion among the students through the night apparently. So not much sleep, mind going haywire, my daughter was counselling others who cried out for help. That drains a person. She took things on her shoulders and got drawn into it. And they know more than us about technology. They know how to get around things. If we ban the source, they use someone else's.
Everyone were shocked that this happened in our family. It doesn't discriminate. There's an epidemic and it's easy to find others in a similar head space -online-and feed into it.
There's a hidden world in our teens. There was with our daughter. Now she has no life but still a hidden world.

Instead of fixing the problems, they treat the affected.

In response to: Re: Eating disorder

TwiningsSenior Contributor28 Feb 2017, 9:12 am AEDT

Re: Eating disorder

To use a fairly stupid social media staple...OMG! I agree entirely with your view of social media. I do not engage with it unless it is necessary and I'm dumbfounded how so many adults use it to tell other people how wonderful their lives are in the virtual world. To keep in touch with family and friends who may live far away it has its place. But when some ones worth is determined by how many 'friends' they have or how many 'likes' they get, it is such a sad indictment. As an added bonus the camera puts on pounds, so that feeds a teens desire to get thin so that their facebook or instagram posts are acceptable to them.

As you say, if some adults find it hard to navigate its perils, what hope have kids got. Now if someone has a party, everyone who wasn't invited will know about it. If your former boyfriend posts his increasingly busy social life after he has broken up with you while you languish at home, you will also know about it. It is never as easy as saying do not look at any of it, or to parents 'all you have to do is take their phone or computer off them'. They will find other ways and I cant keep up with it all.

My school has introduced ipads to students in year 2. I have had many discussions about how sad I think that is. Kids will be sucked into the social media circus earlier and earlier. I tell parents who I know well to be so careful and vigilant. I think how fortunate I am to say that my kids had, for a large part, a real childhood without the internet...how prehistoric is that 😉

It seems to be the way that those, like our daughters, are always the ones to help others, to their own detriment. My daughter was helping one of her best friends through high school who had an eating disorder. Do you think this friend has been checking in on her to see how she is going? The givers are the ones who always suffer, and social media is feeding so many issues...it is a really horrible human evolution that will not end well.

Mmmmm....maybe I'm just jealous because I don't like to post pictures of my food 😉

In response to: Eating disorder

quietscreamsSenior Contributor28 Feb 2017, 10:02 am AEDT

Re: Eating disorder

Twinings.
Agree totally! We didn't have technology when they were growing up either. We rebelled it. High school and all the pressures of technology use, introduced it to my children, moreso with my daughter - the youngest and when technology started its peak.

There have been meetings with the schools, collaborating, to address the issues of our children, it's been that bad. Mind you, that was a few years ago. We are out of the system now. And they keep heightening the use of technology all the same, regardless of its affect. Makes my blood boil.

In response to: Re: Eating disorder

TwiningsSenior Contributor28 Feb 2017, 10:20 am AEDT

Re: Eating disorder

We are out of the system too so we can only hope that at some stage the education system realises that it is detrimental to kids and their families. And they can't say it is time for the parents to step up and parent when they are the ones who have contributed to the introduction, without full, considered and proper consultation with all concerned. I wonder if its making things any easier for the teachers or creating more work for them? It would be interesting to get a teachers perspective, anonymously of course.

I guess the bottom line is that lots of kids are not affected by these issues to the extent of ours. But acknowledging there is an increasing problem and trying to help those who are struggling should be on the radar for them in a big way.

In response to: Eating disorder

quietscreamsSenior Contributor28 Feb 2017, 10:40 am AEDT

Re: Eating disorder

Twinings.
This is true. Most students are not affected. However, the amount that are affected, is high.
The system does not cater for insecure students or ones that don't fit the mould.
My being ill for so long and on heavy medications did not help but she was at school most of the time. When I asked questions, I kept getting told she was quiet. She obviously was within herself and not present in the full sense. This was not told to me. She was dissociating but not at home. I had never heard of this before. You would think teachers would know or at least think something is going on. I had her see welfare but they should have sensed something before I did, especially being medicated, and refer her themselves. Or at least ring us with concerns. Something, anything.
Anyway, what's done is done. It has lasting affects and we now have to pick up the pieces with immense difficulty.
With all the treatment in the world, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. It's up to them to get themselves out of it. All we can do is "be there". And that in itself is complex and difficult.
Plus confidentiality needs adjustments too. Hard to know how to tread if you don't know the whole issue. Getting snippings of information here and there, over a lengthy period, helps to secure the secrecy behind the issue.

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