Struggling with lonliness, loss and many other things.

Hello,

I have been suffering from chronic cluster headaches for the past 18 years, the past 15 I have been on DSP. The clusters are so regular and severe, that I cannot perform work.

though the years i have struggled with depression and anxiety, my solution was to build a massive wall around me. I isolated myself and only kept a few friends that I rarely keep in touch with.

Then I met this girl we became friends fast, we understood and were there for each other. She in a flicker of a moment tore down all my defenses and I hers, we shared so much of our deepest selves. A mutual friend said we were soul mates. But now she is gone.

I have never been close to any woman i have had a relationships with, so this was all new ground for me. Now I feel alone. After some brotherly advice to get back out and meet people I joined a dating site. Just filling the profile was so emotionally overwhelming. I broke down with a felling of worthlesness and undersirability. Who could be interested in a person on disability in this day and age. No matter how good the person is.

Sensing the spiral, I made some quick calls to help lines. The helped breifly as I unloaded all my emotions ,but now I feel alone again, it is a monster at the end of my bed waiting to devour me and his name is dispair.

I have been through councelling and I always found it somewhat helpful to help deal with troubles from my childhood etc. But the day to day issues it never really helped with. If i'm not going through an emotional breakdown at that time I have a tendancy to clam up.