How do you do this?

Dear all,

I have just registered @ Saneforums and I have no clue how to do this right.

I am not sure whether it was appropriate for me to start "my own thread" or whether you guys just add messages to threads that others once started so that things don't get too chaotic. If I have not done it right, please feel free to shift this post elsewhere!

I am feeling very down and have just been rather anxiously trying to start reaching out to you guys before doing more reading because I am very afraid that my courage will quickly fade again.

Let me briefly outline the issue to you: I am now 23 years old, a student who is described by all her friends, acquaintances and family as "the sunshine" - I tend to laugh and joke a lot, I am described as an extremely active person, I have an ability of fitting in well with any kind of social group and I feel at ease with a very broad range of people - I just generally like people very much, I reckon that helps with it a lot.

For the past couple weeks or months I have felt so high that I kept telling the people I was surrounded by how grateful I was that I have been so lucky to be living my life and that I would not wish to change anything about it if I was given the chance. I had just recently started a job in addition to Uni which went super well, my boss likes me and I managed to work very efficiently and conscientiously. I had tried myself at dating again for a wee while and even though it did not work out, it was nice to be seen as a young and gifted, attractive woman by a handsome man. I guess that gave me some stronger kind of sense of self-worth.

I have had some downs, too, I shall not neglect that. I have had evenings (sometimes also afternoons or days) where I felt very low - the difference was that my mind was usually occupied by some sort of maybe slightly traumatic, unwanted sexual approach that had happened about three years ago. Because my mood was related to something, I felt like that was okay, I would be able to deal with it and that I would feel better eventually, probably by the next day even which helped me calm down.

This one is different, though: This low has lasted for more than a week I'd say. It is not continously there, however - I got up this morning, made lunch, biked 13k to Uni, only laughing at the rain, not being bothered by it at all and then I studied for a good four hours before it hit me. My thoughts kept racing, I couldn't concentrate anymore, I started to get very very sad; I had to leave Uni. I went to the supermarket, only to get food to overeat on. Then I biked back. I told myself to stay calm, I talked to myself in my head as if I were my therapist, trying to rationalise things, trying to make it home safely and quickly. I have cried. I have binged. I am so upset. I was supposed to go see my friends but I said I wouldn't. But I had already cancelled another evening with friends yesterday. And I am not feeling like I will be seeing anyone tomorrow. I am so upset. I do not want to mingle with people, as I am afraid people may see how my thoughts are racing, how I am having all these weird thoughts and how my moods are swinging faster than anyone else's in this world, it seems.

I am afraid to be bipolar. I study psychology and I feel like I should have noticed this sooner, I had always just assumed that I was getting the depression my mum has been having her whole life, too, but I have a strong sense that this is different, as I am recalling a couple weeks during which I barely ate anything and just laughed too much, too easily, all these odd things that just felt so very right and normal to me. I reckon it's more difficult to see in oneself. I know that I should get help. But I am afraid. Afraid to confront it all. Yet, I am tired of the isolation. Isolating myself is the worst part I can possibly imagine. I laugh people and I have no family here. I do not know what to do.. Please tell me where you have taken the strength from of confronting it all! The bravery of seeing someone about it. I feel like my problems are not big enough compared to other people's, that I am not worth someone's time and effort to look after me. Other people go through worse things, they should be given the time I would be consuming otherwise.. I know this is irrational.. and yet, I can't help thinking it is so very true. Someone please get me out of this if you know how. I just want this mood to end.