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How do you do this?

where_toContributor24 June 2018, 3:52 am AEST

How do you do this?

Dear all,

I have just registered @ Saneforums and I have no clue how to do this right.

I am not sure whether it was appropriate for me to start "my own thread" or whether you guys just add messages to threads that others once started so that things don't get too chaotic. If I have not done it right, please feel free to shift this post elsewhere!

I am feeling very down and have just been rather anxiously trying to start reaching out to you guys before doing more reading because I am very afraid that my courage will quickly fade again.

Let me briefly outline the issue to you: I am now 23 years old, a student who is described by all her friends, acquaintances and family as "the sunshine" - I tend to laugh and joke a lot, I am described as an extremely active person, I have an ability of fitting in well with any kind of social group and I feel at ease with a very broad range of people - I just generally like people very much, I reckon that helps with it a lot.

For the past couple weeks or months I have felt so high that I kept telling the people I was surrounded by how grateful I was that I have been so lucky to be living my life and that I would not wish to change anything about it if I was given the chance. I had just recently started a job in addition to Uni which went super well, my boss likes me and I managed to work very efficiently and conscientiously. I had tried myself at dating again for a wee while and even though it did not work out, it was nice to be seen as a young and gifted, attractive woman by a handsome man. I guess that gave me some stronger kind of sense of self-worth.

I have had some downs, too, I shall not neglect that. I have had evenings (sometimes also afternoons or days) where I felt very low - the difference was that my mind was usually occupied by some sort of maybe slightly traumatic, unwanted sexual approach that had happened about three years ago. Because my mood was related to something, I felt like that was okay, I would be able to deal with it and that I would feel better eventually, probably by the next day even which helped me calm down.

This one is different, though: This low has lasted for more than a week I'd say. It is not continously there, however - I got up this morning, made lunch, biked 13k to Uni, only laughing at the rain, not being bothered by it at all and then I studied for a good four hours before it hit me. My thoughts kept racing, I couldn't concentrate anymore, I started to get very very sad; I had to leave Uni. I went to the supermarket, only to get food to overeat on. Then I biked back. I told myself to stay calm, I talked to myself in my head as if I were my therapist, trying to rationalise things, trying to make it home safely and quickly. I have cried. I have binged. I am so upset. I was supposed to go see my friends but I said I wouldn't. But I had already cancelled another evening with friends yesterday. And I am not feeling like I will be seeing anyone tomorrow. I am so upset. I do not want to mingle with people, as I am afraid people may see how my thoughts are racing, how I am having all these weird thoughts and how my moods are swinging faster than anyone else's in this world, it seems.

I am afraid to be bipolar. I study psychology and I feel like I should have noticed this sooner, I had always just assumed that I was getting the depression my mum has been having her whole life, too, but I have a strong sense that this is different, as I am recalling a couple weeks during which I barely ate anything and just laughed too much, too easily, all these odd things that just felt so very right and normal to me. I reckon it's more difficult to see in oneself. I know that I should get help. But I am afraid. Afraid to confront it all. Yet, I am tired of the isolation. Isolating myself is the worst part I can possibly imagine. I laugh people and I have no family here. I do not know what to do.. Please tell me where you have taken the strength from of confronting it all! The bravery of seeing someone about it. I feel like my problems are not big enough compared to other people's, that I am not worth someone's time and effort to look after me. Other people go through worse things, they should be given the time I would be consuming otherwise.. I know this is irrational.. and yet, I can't help thinking it is so very true. Someone please get me out of this if you know how. I just want this mood to end.

27 replies

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In response to: How do you do this?

outlanderSenior Contributor25 June 2018, 10:15 am AEST

Re: How do you do this?

Hello @where_to and welcome

Im 21 so around your age and can relate to those mood changes ( i have BPD not bipolar) it can be quite distressing esp if it new to you or only realising that maybe its not quite normal.

Mental health can affect anyone and even though you study psychology it doesnt always mean youll pick up on everything. Try not to be to hard on yourself there.

Have you considered talking to your gp at all? It would be good for you to have some supports too not just thinking like a therapist but allowing yourself to talk to others about whats happening and accepting some help..

@MDT and @The-red-centaur are also other young members who may be able to relate to you.

In response to: Re: How do you do this?

MDTSenior Contributor25 June 2018, 10:40 am AEST

Re: How do you do this?

@where-to I'll be on a bit later oday and can give you a better reply than this

But @outlander is right.
Take care and welcome to SF. It is a tremendous support network of real people

In response to: Re: How do you do this?

MDTSenior Contributor25 June 2018, 2:04 pm AEST

Re: How do you do this?

hey there @where_to

Welcome to the sane forums.

You are among good company here. Many of the people on here have had very similar experiences to the one you've described in the above posts. I had a read of them. I can relate to a lot of the confusion and frustration about depression. I have anxiety as well.

I'm a little confused, did you say that you do receive support? By support I mean anything, be it a counsellor or psych, gp or just a person you can confide in.

The rest of your post I can relate to as well. I've just completed uni and I'm now looking for new opps in life and what the heck I am meant to do now with my life.

Rather than say too much now I think it's best to see what I can say in reply to what you say. I generally like to let other people talk rather than have me diagnose the stuff going on.

In response to: How do you do this?

utopiaSenior Contributor27 June 2018, 6:24 am AEST

Re: How do you do this?

@where_to

Firstly, everybody's story is their own. There is no easier or harder situations. We don't focus on that, as it really can stop us from seeking help. So it's more that we all have our own experiences.

Often when studying psychology or medicine, students often (mis)diagnose themselves. It's common. But that's not to say that this is the case with you.

So, to reach out for help or not? I think you've already started, by posting here.

Personally I think it's better to be properly diagnosed by a psychiatrist. Then you know what you are dealing with and can commence on the treatment options. The sooner you start, the sooner your mental health can be more in balance again.

So do go to your GPS and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist.

And keep posting here. There is lots of support on this forum.

In response to: Re: How do you do this?

where_toContributor29 June 2018, 4:18 am AEST

Re: How do you do this?

@outlander@MDT@utopia

Thank you all for your very responses to my confused posts. I very much appreciate them and I'm sorry about the delayed reply.

And yes, just by reading through some posts on here and also because of your generosity to reply so kindly, I have already got a sense of this being a tremendous support network. It's impressive that you have created such beautiful thing and that you manage to keep it up so well, too.

Whom I confide in? Well, I guess some of the people who are very close to me know about my tendency towards depression and there is three or four whom I talked about the sexual violence, too, that happened around three years ago. I also know that I would receive great support from my friends if I wanted to try seeking out a psychiatrist or counsellor. Maybe part of the reason why I have not done so yet is that - luckily - my kind of depressed and anxious moods don't last long enough for me to fall so down that I desperately reach for help; I just take some time out and stay at home for a while until it passes again. Whilst being so down, I would not have the energy to get help and then my mood goes up again so quickly and to such extremes, that the thought of seeking help seems just so ridicolous. I feel as if I would be wasting the counsellor's help cause life then seems wonderful and I would feel so alive again that the depressed parts of me then seem so surreal. As if they were not part of me. I do not feel the need to do anything about it then anymore. And if I went to see someone, how would they ever understand that there is a part of me which thinks and feels so very differently? I don't think I could imagine such different parts within one and the same person myself; I do not know anyone who has such different sides to them either.. Everyone I meet describes me as the "sunshine" and apparently I am always in such great a mood and very extraverted and smiley - I do not feel like I could make people understand how sometimes that just shifts so unexpectedly into something so immensely deep and dark and ugly..

Writing this, I am well aware that people do understand much better than what it feels like to me. Rationally, I get that. But my feelings cannot follow. It's like they "know better".. if you know what I mean.

In response to: Re: How do you do this?

utopiaSenior Contributor29 June 2018, 4:50 am AEST

Re: How do you do this?

@where_to. Yes we are all made up of many parts. And often we,wear 'masks' for the different roles we play. Worker. Daughter. Sibling. Friend.

It's often hard to get our brain to accept what we know is logical and right.Especially when living with mental illness.

Just wondering out loud if your happy excited times could be mania? There are different levels of mania.

Also, getting a diagnosis from a,psychiatrist does not mean that you need to take medication. I choose to take anti depressants. Some members of this forum choose no medication for their mental illness. It's apersonal

In response to: Re: How do you do this?

utopiaSenior Contributor29 June 2018, 4:54 am AEST

Re: How do you do this?

@where_to. Oops. I hit the wrong button. It is your choice entirely whether you choose medication or not. But you may like some techniques that a psychologist can teach you to try to reduce how often or how long you get depressed.

Just some things you might like to consider.

Yes it's a great Forum here. No judgement. We are all the same and all different. And it's great to be supported by people who understand.

In response to: Re: How do you do this?

where_toContributor29 June 2018, 5:07 am AEST

Re: How do you do this?

@utopiaYeah, I hear you and I do agree - it's such a personal and really depends on the individual situation and context in which mental health issues are coming up I guess. I don't know if I wanted to take medications or not, but I am not yet really thinking about it since I needed to know what it really was I was struggling with and then look at the pros and cons of medication after that I reckon.

And I don't know if it's mania - it might be, though. But I've always kind of had the feeling that when one is manic, it would be almost impossible to be conscious of that, right? Whereas I am sometimes bewildered by how much I laugh, how loud I laugh, how excited I get about little things - and then I hear people notice how active I am so much which makes me wonder to which degree it might still be normal or not so much.. But maybe mania comes in so many shades - or colours (might be a more appropriate term for it, lol).. Or maybe the contrast between depression and happy mood just seems very big to me.. I know what you mean about taking on different roles; but what is happening to me is more like the opposite: I wish it was just a mask so I could take it off. Instead, it is just heaps of emotions rushing in on me in overwhelming doses which I cannot stop and I feel like they show in my face and my behaviour so much, it would always be impossible for me to mask. Which is, maybe, why at least when I'm depressed, I try to stay at home and hide it away. It puts me to shame and I don't want others to worry about me (especially since deep down I feel like they won't be able to really help me anyway), I would not feel like I am worth it at those times. I am better at it when it's not depression which is not triggered by anything but bad moods that are associated to certain memories - then, at least, I know what to talk to people about. The "highs" are too much at once, I could not put them into words and when I'm so low I do not know what causes it and what I am actually struggling with so what would I talk to people about.. I just feel very distanced from anyone "healthy" then. And lonely. Until another high comes along again.

Does that make any sense to you? Besides, if there is anything YOU need to talk about, please let me know. I know I don't know you and I might not be the greatest help but I would like to try. 🙂

(And additionally, taking up so much space myself seems wrong and leaves me feeling a bit guilty)

In response to: Re: How do you do this?

utopiaSenior Contributor29 June 2018, 6:06 am AEST

Re: How do you do this?

You are not taking up too much space @where_to. It's good to have these conversations. Hopefully both parties learn different things.

You'd probably be amazed at your 'healthy' friends. They will all have their own secret fears and insecurities. In that way, we are all quite similar.

And as you say, you are a happy person. You just have down times, depression, when you need to isolate yourself and get your mojo back.

Not everyone wants a diagnosis. Each person chooses for themselves. But if you find you are getting more concerned about these periods, then it may be worth investigating.

In response to: How do you do this?

outlanderSenior Contributor04 July 2018, 5:02 pm AEST

Re: How do you do this?

hello @where_to
just checking in to see how your going?

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