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I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

BluetooSenior Contributor22 June 2018, 6:09 am AEST

I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

I hope all of you are having a reasonably nice day. I am not. I feel overtaken by the knowledge of BPD and that I may have it. I’m still waiting for my couples therapist to refer me to another therapist for it. No word yet. I may have to find one on my own. I don’t trust my own judgment right now though. I feel so helpless. I don’t understand it. I feel so lost.

I thought I was coming on this forum becas E of my cheating husband but that’s what led me to the discovery I have MI.

I know that’s a good thing because knowledge is power. But I feel so much worse and I am incapacitated. I had to force myself to dust and it got to the point it was too dusty in some places and I didn’t know how to clean it. Seriously?

So I told myself I just need a break. So here I lay in my bed again and writing this.

I just want to understand myself. I can’t believe I’m writing this because I feel so vulnerable. But I’m going to post it anyway.

28 replies

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In response to: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

BluetooSenior Contributor25 June 2018, 11:19 am AEST

Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

Thanks @@outlander ❤️ It’s been a better day. I’ve been nurse to my husband a weekend and feeding our horses and dogs all by myself. So it’s made me be busy.

He spoils me and I’ve told him sometimes it makes me feel unneeded. He will do everything if I let him. And if I’m having a bad day or week, he doesn’t ask anything of me. It feels good to be needed now. Kind of eye opening.

Do any of you feel this way when in a flare or whatever it’s called? You get so in your head, so deep, that you can’t find your way back out? It’s paralizing. Makes me feel like such a wimp.

In response to: Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

outlanderSenior Contributor25 June 2018, 11:24 am AEST

Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

I own horses too and work with them as well like holiday care @Bluetoo as well as being a carer. Can be a hard gig thats for sure.
Your hubby sounds really lovley and trying to take care of you too.

And yes i do get that way, it is a very dark hole. Sometimes the only thing that works ia waiting it out and doing self care and having some sort or small daily goal.

Do you know whats set this flare off?

In response to: Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

BluetooSenior Contributor25 June 2018, 1:33 pm AEST

Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

@outlanderNo I really don’t. All I can think of is that I’ve been running on adrenaline, for 2 years going to couples therapy every week and we’d just moved to this property and trying to get it like home and now everything has slowed right down. I guess I have time to think about stuff. I don’t know really.

It really is like a big dark hole. Good way to describe it.

In response to: Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

outlanderSenior Contributor26 June 2018, 9:56 pm AEST

Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

Slowing down and being able to thnk has that affect on alot of people including myself @Bluetoo

Are you able to see a psych just for yourself? They can then personalise it more rather than just focussing on the couples side of thing

In response to: Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

BluetooSenior Contributor26 June 2018, 10:35 pm AEST

Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

Yes. My couples therapist found someone local in our new town. We go tonight for couples therapy so she’ll probably give me her info then. I’m looking forward to it because while I feel better then I did a few days ago, I feel the emotions strongly still and it’s just a matter of time before I get depressed or get ugly, it seems.

Can you or anyone else relate to that? Like a ticking time bomb. I never thought about it before like that. It’s not even anxiety. It’s just a swelling of emotions. I think I trained myself to ignore it and now I’m paying attention.

In response to: Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

outlanderSenior Contributor26 June 2018, 10:39 pm AEST

Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

Thats great i i hope she does give you some more info @Bluetoo i think it would be beneficial for you to talk about your own individual struggles.
And yes i can relate to being a ticking time bomb. It can be very hard to diffuse
Have you had a chance to have a look at the threads i tagged you in for coping at all? Theres quite a few different things you could try out if your up for it

In response to: Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

BluetooSenior Contributor26 June 2018, 10:57 pm AEST

Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

I did but my mind was not focused. I’ll try again later. My head feels a little clearer. I have pretty bad allergies too so when both are in effect I feel very dumb. I will go back on this thread again.

I’m having to majorly clean my house because I didn’t do much for the two months I was down. It feels good to get it all done. Gotta work on the other 2nd floor today.

Hubby has an injured foot and he’s become allergic to something for the first time in his life. So he’s frustrated and down now. Feels weird for him to be the one who needs encouragement.

In response to: Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

outlanderSenior Contributor26 June 2018, 11:00 pm AEST

Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

Being physically sick can drag us down too @Bluetoo im glad your feeling abit better.
Thats ok take your time going through the threads. Theres quite abit there.

Everyone needs encouragement sometimes. I hope your hubbies foot heals quickly though.

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.