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I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

BluetooSenior Contributor22 June 2018, 6:09 am AEST

I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

I hope all of you are having a reasonably nice day. I am not. I feel overtaken by the knowledge of BPD and that I may have it. I’m still waiting for my couples therapist to refer me to another therapist for it. No word yet. I may have to find one on my own. I don’t trust my own judgment right now though. I feel so helpless. I don’t understand it. I feel so lost.

I thought I was coming on this forum becas E of my cheating husband but that’s what led me to the discovery I have MI.

I know that’s a good thing because knowledge is power. But I feel so much worse and I am incapacitated. I had to force myself to dust and it got to the point it was too dusty in some places and I didn’t know how to clean it. Seriously?

So I told myself I just need a break. So here I lay in my bed again and writing this.

I just want to understand myself. I can’t believe I’m writing this because I feel so vulnerable. But I’m going to post it anyway.

28 replies

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In response to: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

outlanderSenior Contributor23 June 2018, 8:20 am AEST

Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

Hi @Bluetoo

I think @Mazarita has covered it nicely esp the part where some could be 'situational' mi while your going through the struggles in your marriage.
Stress tends to bring out the worst in us.

Im glad you got a msg saying that she can refer you to someone. Hopefully that is the next positive step in your recovery.

In response to: Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

BluetooSenior Contributor23 June 2018, 8:27 am AEST

Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

@outlander Yes. It is a factor. But I believe it’s only a stressor bringing out the mi so it’s more obvious. But I can usually hold things together better than this. I’ve been depressed for a week but never this long. Who knows. Maybe the marital issues is bringing a real problem to light so I can finally get some tools to work with this emotional roller coaster ride. I’ve been toughening it out all my life. I’m tired.

In response to: Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

outlanderSenior Contributor23 June 2018, 8:36 am AEST

Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

Well your on the right path now and taken some really good steps like getting a therapist, asking you to refer you elsewhere ( and thankfully she was able to help) and also reaching out here too @Bluetoo

Has anyone spoken to you about self care and the importance of it?

In response to: Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

BluetooSenior Contributor23 June 2018, 8:38 am AEST

Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

No. I haven’t a clue about how to handle this.

In response to: Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

BlueBaySenior Contributor23 June 2018, 8:46 am AEST

Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

Hi @Bluetoo

sorry for late reply I've been struggling myself. I've been diagnosed with BPD and depression and complex ptsd about 8 Yrs ago. I was also sexually abused as a child at age 9-12 by my neighbour uncle and brother.

I feel you need to find a therapist that deals with BPD and get s diagnosis from a psychiatrist. I unfortunately had seen 4 different psychiatrists and psychologist and they were all not suited to treating BPD. Finally after 8 yrs I found a psychologist and psychiatrist who both deal with BPD and childhood trauma.

Its a long journey one that I'm still scared of to be honest.

I hope we can help you here. Happy to help you snd chst anytime.

Oh snd wtiting down how you feel your emotions is really good.

Take care @Bluetoo you deserve every love and happiness.

❤️BB

In response to: Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

BluetooSenior Contributor23 June 2018, 9:03 am AEST

Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

I’m so sorry you’re currently struggling BB @BlueBay. My sister and I were saying how as children we never stood a chance. And also we were thinking maybe the hardest part is just accepting we have mi and pd. It is such a hard pill to swallow but looking back I can see how I’ve tried all my life to be ‘normal’ and maybe that’s part of the problem. I guess we are different. But different doesn’t have to be bad. I’m trying to convince myself too.

Id love to chat sometime. Anytime. I don’t know how to though. I haven’t figured that out yet. But my brain is pretty fried lately. Lol

Thank you for your very sweet words. It felt good to read them.

In response to: Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

outlanderSenior Contributor23 June 2018, 7:16 pm AEST

Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

Self care @Bluetoo is about doing things for yourself not just because you have to but because you need to.
Small things count like painting your nails or brushing your hair, having a cup of tea outside, going for a lesisurly walk, listening to some music or doing the things you enjoy. Time for yourself where you only focus on yourself.

In response to: Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

BluetooSenior Contributor23 June 2018, 10:50 pm AEST

Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

I do need to do more of those things. But I am not in the mood. I know it’s self defeating. I do listen to music. But sometimes even that I can’t being myself to do. I guess I gotta learn self discipline when I’m feeling like this. It’s so hard though.

Thanks @outlander. It is nice having this place to come to. I appreciate you and all who have responded to my rants. I wouldn’t wish any of this on my worse enemy. My heart goes out to all of you here.

In response to: Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

BluetooSenior Contributor24 June 2018, 1:25 am AEST

Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

I finally got out of the house this morning. My husband came home from work last night with plantar fasciitis. He’s in a lot of pain. That motivated me to get to the pharmacy to buy him so wraps and inner soles to try to help him feel better. I left the house at 8:00 am this morning. I haven’t gone out so early in a long time. I feel a little proud and a little ashamed. How is that possible? 😛

But there again this shows how Adrenalin is what I seem to thrive on. I wonder if I’ll ever learn how to just ‘be’ and enjoy the quieter times, when I’m in a setback. I sure hope so.

I hope you all are having a good nights sleep and nice day following. @BlueBay and anyone else who is having a hard time currently.

In response to: Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

outlanderSenior Contributor25 June 2018, 10:28 am AEST

Re: I feel worse than ever knowing or thinking I know I have BPD

It is hard @Bluetoo self care is also about helping yourself just to feel abit better and also giving your body what it needs like nutritious foods, exercise, rest, water and basic hygeine needs.

Well done for getting out of the house. Thats a great start.

I hope todays a good one for you

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