Feeling like a loser

@Mazarita

I’ve thought about it but then I get pissed because I enjoy it. Maybe the therapist will tell me I should try that. I don’t know. But I feel like I’m punishing myself for something he did.

But then those feelings when you are intimate, @Bluetoo. It's surprising that this is a part of your experience that I relate to as well. I was with a man for some years and he was always too rough for me and kind of lacking in sensuality. But I stayed in that state for all those years because I loved him. I also felt kind of abused and went on feeling that way throughout. That may also be part of my troubled sexuality though too, feeling that extremely about it. My relationships have often gone wrong on that level. But anyway eventually it had to stop because it didn't solve itself. However, it seems like, in your case, your feelings while intimate are being triggered by your current feelings of trauma about being betrayed. And so it's your feelings that may need resolving before it can heal and be okay again. Maybe?

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@Mazarita
Yes. You’re giving me something to consider. Maybe I’m not being true to myself. I think in the back of my mind I’m also worried if I say no it’ll be all that much easier to go back to those places. But I guess if it’s that easy for him to break trust again that would be my answer.

Could be, @Bluetoo. Just thoughts though. Also, I'd probably ask myself if I could live with that kind of infidelity, if I could ever adjust to it. That's if I really wanted the relationship. I might try to be okay with it. Part of me thinks sex is only sex. But I can imagine how hard it would be, especially if being true in that way is really important to you. It is to me too really, but I may try to bend with it under some circumstances. Not sure really, it's possible though in my case. But that's just me, we are all different.

@Mazarita

Yes. I am wondering if I will ever be ok with it. And if I won’t be ok with it, will I be ok with not being ok with it. lol

I can’t imagine myself with anyone else though. And the life we’ve built is the life I’ve always wanted. Why should I lose out on that too?

I also think that true love will fight. Never give up. (Within reason of course) But I never thought I’d be a forgiving betrayed woman. I always said that it’d be over if that ever happened. Well, I guess I’m a liar.

I think I have always been such an idealist/romantist. I’m wondering if I’ve been lying to myself all these years to make a fairytale. I don’t know what’s true anymore. He was always my hero or my rock.

But if he truly is done with that stuff, I think I can be ok with it. But how do I ever really know if he’s telling the truth. I feel he is. But I also felt he’d never cheat on me in the first place.

I wish I could be matter of fact about it all. My heart always feels like it’s going to explode. I don’t know if I can take it much more. But I’d also be a mess if he was not in my life anymore. I can’t win. Hence the feeling of wanting to die.

Maybe there's a way to find peace within yourself regardless of what's happening on the outside, @Bluetoo. Just throwing more thoughts around. Like, do you get into nature much? What are your interests? I get a lot of meaning in my life from creativity. I know I'm hopeless with breakups, have actually gone a bit crazy-manic in the way I've lived during those times, and suffered a lot of mood swings. But I have bipolar too. I remember too that being single gave my life a lot more external interest, since I was no longer focussed on one person. Not to encourage you to be single, but just to suggest that it might not be as bleak as you think. Like maybe it's just like this now, it's likely to change, it seems to me, and that can be for the better. Hearing what you are saying though about how you are living the life you always wanted. Except there's something tough to get through now and decisions to be made, but maybe not all at once anyway.

@Mazarita

Ya. I guess I’ve never been ok with indecisiveness. I have always just made decisions and then lived with them. This is totally different though. I’m not comfortable with up in the air stuff.

And I’m not comfortable with being uncomfortable. Hahaha

I've made fast decisions in the past too, @Bluetoo. Can't say I fully regret them, but there are some aspects of regret there. Like if I could have tolerated more uncertainty, things might have worked out. But in this situation over the past fifteen years, I have stuck around and so has he, even through tough stuff. We came close to parting ways a few times, all were early on. Friendship to me is the main part of a relationship. But I know others might disagree. Usually I measure things now by 'is that being a good friend?' This is all just me raving on about my stuff in a way though.

Hello @Bluetoo welcome to the forums. You will find friends here.

I have a similar experience in feeling like I invested so much, and lost so much in my marriage. My husband cheated several times. Then after 19 years, he left me and my 2 kids for another woman and never came back. I was gutted. I'm not sure you do get over it. There's so much grief to deal with. I too sometimes feel like a loser, and he's been gone more than 4 years.

The thing that has changed is that I am better at looking after myself now, and have made room in my life for other things, so that the pain reduces over time relative to the rest of life.

Your situation is very different in that your husband is still there working at it. That's worth something. Still, the decision you have to make is whether you deserve better, or the investment you've made is too great to let go.

In my case, if he hadn't left I would still be with him and miserable, because he ceased to be committed to making it work a long time before he left. But the choice was taken out of my hands. I am making a life after the bitter breakup, but I would never wish anyone to go through the wrench of losing someone you've given everything to.

It's no wonder you are depressed. I hope you can get help for that, whatever happens. A trusted GP is the place to start, and these forums have help me enormously. There's always someone who just gets it; who listens without judgement. Take care.