Topic Tuesday // Helping a loved one who doesn't want help // Tues 26 June, 7pm AEDT

@Former-Member

On Listening:

-The more I’ve learnt to understand myself, the better i’ve become at understanding my mum and realising that my listening wasn’t always listening but me trying to ‘fix’.

-All those tips from the article have been so useful to me, and i’m still learning to use them better.

-Although i’m improving, I find it very difficult to just listen when my mum is talking/deciding/acting in ways that I know have either led her to where she is or will exacerbate the difficulties she’s already having... This is especially the case when these things will impact on me (because i’ll need to take responsibility or because it’s so painful for me to see her suffering).

-Recently I was able to explain to my mum that in some moments when I stop listening or seem critical that it’s not because she’s bad or wrong or because I feel negative feelings towards her, and it’s not fair for her to experience this- it’s because my concern overwhelms me and I find it hard to stop the impulse to suggest change. She seemed to be able to understand this, which was so important to me because the most awful thing is when a conversation ends with her feeling worse about herself than she already does and really, my intentions are to show her care

I think we can all admit that from what we have already shared tonight, we can often we can find ourselves feeling like our patience is being tested and limited in our capacity as we can’t solve this for our loved ones. These feelings come from a place of love – but what can we do to manage them? First step is allowing yourself some space and time for just you. Taking time outs for….you guessed it….self care!

One part of self care is setting boundaries. This can be so challenging as it is part of human instinct to want to give all that you have to help the one you love. But this isn’t going to be managble long term, you can get tired and burnt out. Some good insights:

‘You’re not going to be able to be there for someone at every moment of every day. Set some limits on things you’re willing and not willing to do – and stick to them! (For example, work out if you're comfortable about accompanying them to their appointments.)’

https://au.reachout.com/articles/what-to-do-when-someone-doesnt-want-help

‘Helping a hurt loved one can be emotionally draining. Consider what you are both willing and able to do……It is also not a journey you need to take on by yourself. If the person is willing, brainstorm who else can be a useful part of their support system.’ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-mentality/201804/what-do-when-loved-one-needs-mental-health-help

So, thinking of realistic expectations and responsibilities, what can you maybe be doing differently? Where could you set a boundary for yourself, that would help maintain your wellbeing?

Do people have some good boundary setting examples they could share here?

@sbmc this is a good point - sometimes when we think we are helping by offering to fix, it can cause our loved ones to shut down, or go on the defensive, making them less willing to get help.

This is why the things we have been talking about tonight can hopefully be helpful - there isn't a clear fix unfortunately to getting your loved one to accept help, but we can adjust the way we approach each situation to improve and adpat our relationship so our lvoed ones can come to through their journey with your support gently until they are ready to get to the next level of support.

For myself, knowing my boundaries, communicating them to my mum and being consistent has helped me both minimise the impact of her issues on me, but also support her more kindly when I do.

- One of many successful boundaries was over time reinforcing for Mum that I wasn’t comfortable having phone conversations or being in her company when she was drinking because I felt too sensitive and the way we both communicated at these times damaged our relationship. It took a long time of consistency on my part and reinforcing that I want to talk/be with her, just not when she’s drinking. An example of something i’d Say is ‘Mum, you’ve been drinking. I want to talk to you about this another time when you’re sober. I love you, talk later’.

- A boundary I need to reinstate for myself right now is dedicating less time, thought and action to finding things that might help my mum feel comfortable to be more receptive. Although this is important, it has been consuming me for the past two weeks as her mental health has led to major health impacts and will continue to exacerbate her conditions and threaten her life unless she recognises that she needs help and how it could be useful.

I'm wondering what other approaches have you tried, that have found you feeling a bit challenged in your caring role? How have you been able to manage these experiences in a positive way for yourself? What are some of your go to self care tips?

Hi @Yabitha,

I think this is a very valid point. Researching your loved ones struggles doesn't at all need to be done in secret., but in the case with my huband who did not want to listen or have a look at what I was trying to research made it hard @Former-Member

@sbmc, @Corny, @HayleyC, @Adge

so what i did was I did and still doing the research and then finding the right time to bring it up with my husband in an easy way

These are some good examples of boundary settings too @sbmc

Sounds like a key take away here was continuing to be consistent and reinforce your boundaries regularly to get to the point where you were more comfortable. Also keeping aware of boundaries that we would like to, or need to work on is useful. We are only human and sometimes we will just need to keep trying!

@Former-Memberwith my husband and my mum to look after , I am still trying to find th right balance in self care , I find doing small self care works better for me

Self care strategies i’m getting better at:

- Planning intentional time for me to talk or spend time with my own supports, even when I feel like withdrawing. I feel less alone when I do this consistently and it keeps me focused on my own life.

- Seeking help for myself via a psychologist or attending educational events when I see the warning signs that I might be burning out. This keeps me active and learning about how to keep my own life going.

- Making sure i’m dedicating set time to my own goals and life focus.

- Enlisting my own supports to help where they want or can to do research or provide advice from their own strengths and skill sets

@Shaz51 this is a great way to apply the knowledge you have found through your research. Gently approaching your loved one when you can with the information is a useful skill.

Do you find there are certain times that are easier to communicate these suggestions with your partner? Do you notice for instance that its easier to reflect and share when they are in a slightly better headspace?