Let’s talk about SI

Hi @Former-Member I hear you. I don't know that I have anything useful to say.

There are many times I have felt no reason to continue. I ask myself what I want to do, whether it's time or not, so far, it's been 'not time', although it's been close on a couple of occasions.

There used to be reasons I could use, parents would be sad, if it went wrong things would be worse for me, children to be responsible for, various things like that, they worked then, but I had to dig deeper inside myself to find a reason for myself, not for anyone else.

I continue now because I want to, and because I can at this time. I've not long come out of a very dark place. Only my flat mate knew how dark it was, I don't have ongoing medical supports these days. I'm functioning too well apparently.

I don't have substance addictions, except maybe yarn and fabric. When I can feel a bit amused, I think about how much I want to make up a particluar piece of fabric, or crochet a particular yarn into a garment. It helps me see things in a different perspective.

I can only say that for me I do the things that I enjoy doing, that keep me feeling okay with the world I have created around me - I'm over 60 now though Kirin, and have no commitments, no family and no responsibilities other than to myself and my flat mate because support each other in our MI's. (Bills/ rent/ etc are a given as responsibilities to be automaticall dealt with).

I think I did see a post like this of yours before, I was in the bad place and couldn't respond then, saw it now and thought I can reach out to you tonight. I hope it helps you find what you need in yourself, you seem a lovely, sweet, kind and intelligent person. I like reading your posts even if I don't always reply.

What ever process you use, do it for yourself, because you're the one who matters the most @Former-Member.

I want to respond to this but I don't think the right time for me is now. Just wanted to acknowledge this thread.

Hi @Former-Member

Yes - let's talk about SI because over 30 years ago when my son was a teenager into SH and SA I had no idea that his requests of me were SI - let's not beat ourselves up about those things we don't know about but no one was listening to me about his SA - had I mentioned his SI it might have been different

Okay - he didn't talk about what he was thinking about but in actions and requests they were there - I don't know if it's appropriate to mention what he did and what he said so for now I won't mention these things except for - um 2

One was that he was giving his things away and the other was that the evening before the night he died he was very cheerful - and this might be a sign - I know that now but not then

Still although I knew he was a suicide risk I was alone in that - I was an over-protective mother - better than one who didn't care but yes

SI is more than just what people are thinking about - and I don't know what that's like myself -

Yes - let's talk about it - some people already have and that's good

Dec

Hi @Former-Member, hoping you're feeling slightly better today.

I wanted to add something, just to make sure I hadn't mis-described how I get through SI. I don't feel connected to the world either. It's not the world that keeps me wanting to keep experiencing life, it's my own sense of something, perhaps it could be called adventure.

Not the type of adventure that means I'd go climb Mt Everest, or the sort that would have me swimming with sea creatures etc. More the sort that has me wondering about my own senses/ feelings and an experience or situation.

I do things for me, for how much I might or might not regret not taking the opportunity when/ if things all fall into place.

I stopped watching vexatious, loud and ugly tv shows or listening to aggression on the radio. I do not watch or listen to any news shows, I do read two online news sites ABC and ARS technica for the types of articles I'm interested in.

I avoid loud tv shows/ all radio/ shopping centres. (subtitled shows and craft are things that now occupy the time that the habitual watching of whatever tv was available once did). I do not use social media of any type. (some might argue that SANE is a social media platform - and perhaps, on a technicality it might be, but the privacy aspects mean it is not so to my way of seeing things)

I carefully choose what I read, watch, listen to, and get involved in, in an attempt to keep out the constant reminders of things I don't want to be reminded about.

There are many things I will never forget, but I don't want to be constantly barraged with them either, as it just compounds the negative mental, spiritual and physical sensations leading to a worse state of affairs for me.

I try to be truthful without being offensive. Not always possible though. Not so long ago, a medical receptionist suggested to my teary face that I 'smile, it can't be that bad', to which I quickly and politely told her, 'yes, it can be, and today it is' before walking away before I became impolite. Empty plattitudes make me amazingly angry with their denials of the truths of my experiences.

What I do try to do is to notice the beauty in the tiny things when ever I can. Sometimes beauty is too big a thing to look for, sometimes 'beauty' just isn't present to my mindset.

That's when I look to notice the 'pretty', the 'delicate', the 'nice', the 'pleasant', the 'contentment', the 'not awful', the 'kind', the 'considerate', the 'thoughtful'.

A flowering weed growing in a desolate pavement, a smile on a stranger's face regardless of where it is directed, the glow of the sun or moon through cloud, rain drops on a gossamer spider's web build where you'd rather it wasn't, the tenacity of insects to find their way into food supplies on their own biological imperative to live.

What @Ant7 has said has long been a big part of how I have managed those times too. I laugh inside at myself because I'd be pi**ed at myself if I forgot the things I wanted to do and ended life before doing all those things.

I have one thing I want to do that will probably never eventuate, but I'd like to give it a go should all things ever fall into place for it. Likelihood for it happening is infinitesimal, but strange things do occur, and life does change in unusual ways too.

@Snowie thinking of you. I hope and trust you find many lovely things in your day. I hope you are being kind to yourself.

@Owlunar 30 years ago no one believed that teenagers could think about SI. Not to mention that SI was such a taboo subject. Please try not to feel as though you 'should' have done more, although I know how futile a request that is.

There was simply no place for minor children in the mental health care system. There was no acknowledgement of mental health issue for teens even 20 years ago. I experienced the lack of MH help with two teenagers of mine who went through attempts and I could not get anyone to listen to me. We go through more than can be described trying to help our loved ones.

I'm sorry to have rambled ...

@Former-Member @Owlunar @Ant7 @Snowie and anyone else who understands.

I hope we can all continue to find the something that keeps us going, keeps us determined to eeke out a place where we can each feel comfortable, if only for a moment, in being who we are for our ownselves.

Hi to everyone who has Courageousely responded. There are many thoughts in my head, but getting them out atm is difficult. I will come back when some are sorted out.