Fragile

Thank you @outlander

My sister died 34 years ago today. She was 21.

This is the first time I have been able to share it with friends.

Hi @Appleblossom sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. Still easing myself back into things after my time away. Sorry to hear yesterday was a sad anniversary for you. But really good to see you share about it so we can acknowledge and be there for you.

You asked if I have any thoughts about your experience with the sw doing some cleaning for/with you. Nothing comes to mind, perhaps you could ask me specific questions to focus on. I am funded for assistance to establish better cleaning and self-care but I find it hard to let anyone else do that stuff, either for or with me. I manage to keep up the basics tho' so things don't accumulate too much here. But I only have a one room cabin. For you with your own house I am sure that there's a lot more required to maintain order.

If you have a support coordinator and they didn't get you any sw's for 6 months I'd be thinking about finding another one. I recently changed from one with a major organisation to one who has their own small business and the new one is much more proactive and quick to get onto my requests. Is that the bit you wanted my thoughts on?

Take care today , thinking of you xx

Hi also to @Former-Member @outlander @Maggie @Teej xx

@Appleblossom So sorry you are going through this.

So much pressure on me to hold and hide my different traumas and griefs. Thank you for hearing @outlander @Maggie @Former-Member @Shaz51

Yes I know seeing and hearing trauma it is not good for children, but this society needs to grow up about the pressures it puts on women and young mothers. Grown ups who are around need to learn to shoulder some of it, rather than deflect all of it back on my shoulders. I am used to carrying it from when I was 6.

Generally talking and chatting about this stuff has been more helpful to me @eth. Not just specific questions and answers. I have no idea what to accept as respectful or bat things back in conversation. I am learning that. There is an obvious disconnect, as in some ways I am well educated and housed at the moment, but it has taken a lot of work to get there. Just a couple hours a month of cleaning support will make a huge difference AND break the isolation and the temptation to walk out on it all, which I have often felt. The cleaner said she was often the centre of attention of everyone wanting to talk and share. It is a small house but 3 beds, 2 liv areas and 2 bathrooms and a small outside area.

I am going to raise more with the Occupational Therapist, work her more about physical and emotional stuff. I learn from others because I see how they stand up for themselves about what is reasonable. I have a strange passiveness that comes from always having to submit to keep the peace everywhere. I also learn a lot in looking at others trauma loads and then realise to be kind to myself, even if nobody else can find it in themselves to acknowledge or be kind. Now I can see more clearly what others accept as normal, I feel a little outrage when they are paid to do it.

I have had too much of vague forgive, or guilt tripping type of communication to even get to sorting out individual traumas within my story. It was nice that the social worker in one Royal Commission noticed and told me I had been sexually abused when I was 6 etc ... I think maybe because nobody has worked through anything specifically with me I dont have a sense of the trust that you might have had @Former-Member with that psych. In the begining of the marriage and mothering I put 2 psychiatrists on an enormous pedestal, and yes they kept me going, but really when I put things in perspective they should have suggested a lot more support for me, hospitalisation, respite etc rather than let me get as bad as I did.

At least here on the forum there is a more openness. Privacy can be important, but if its keeping things behind closed doors and not actually delivering anything, and raking in govt payments, then who is it serving....

Had a session this morning at the zoo which was good.

@Appleblossom I had a first session with a cleaner on Monday this week. I had a mixture of feelings, unworthy is always hanging in there somewhere. It had to get to a point where I could not cope with it myself, though it’s a very small flat.

I too am learning to communicate. That has been huge. Now I’m learning to talk about the traumas of my past. I think I am understanding some of what you are saying.

I was 50 before I began to uncover my history. One person has walked with me as memories are revealed, sometimes I can’t believe it myself. How can you forget, how can you remember??

I can say the words to you........you deserve help,support, validation. Unfortunately, it’s a different story on a personal level.

I hope I haven’t introduced. 💛💛💛

@Maggie Being a woman, the whole cleaning managing inside the house thing ... is tricky and often shame and guilt based. Glad you had a cleaner session this week too.You deserve it too. We must be at a similar point in our plans ... ?

I love our conversations.

In a way I could communicate about work or study but not things too personal. I mean I could communicate about it, but it was usually pretty bloomin clear, nobody wanted to know, so you shut up.

Putting myself fully in the picture, has taken things to another level. In many ways it is harder but in other ways it feels more authentic all round.

@Maggiejust reread your post .... did you mean to say interrupted?? in the last line ... it did not make sense otherwise ... if so ... bloomin predictatxt ...lol

Posting a different astrology chart than the level I was introduced to it ... it is good for helping me rethink my Fire sign shame. Committing to working through Fire as Fuel for Expression, Compassion and Action.

Seems more sensible to describe life stages, challenges and themes, than get too locked into describing or labelling people.

Still a lot of work to do in working out which of my adaptations were trauma driven and no longer appropriate.

Art to keep me grounded in current issues.

@Appleblossom, @Maggie

sometimes / most of the time it is hard for the cleaner tooo

the expectations and of how much our clients want us to clean

some cleaners just do the basic but me I always to seem to do more the required

@eth, @outlander , @Former-Member

Understood @Shaz51

As both a paid and unpaid cleaner.